I hate the fact that I ruminate an uncomfortable amount almost every single day. I go to therapy sessions weekly, I am sticking to a medication (whether or not you agree with the use of medications). I like to think I am improving ,but even on days where everything seems to be going perfectly, all I can think of is what can go wrong.

Today was a good day. I have a trip coming up where I will be going back to Iceland for 3 days and then to France for a week. I’ve always wanted to go to France and I am promising myself to put these wants first this year. So I am just going to go, alone again as usual. I am terrified to tell my parents I am leaving again, I feel like I am turning into a rebel child. I also might give in to my urges I have had for years to get a piercing (and a tattoo because why not). And so far things have been falling into place for me to make these things happen but I just… worry.

I worry about losing something important, I worry about what others might think of me, I worry about what my future self would think of this, and I worry about letting people down. One thing that I am realizing is that none of those worries should matter, it should just matter what I think and how I feel. I am excited for all the changes that are happening in my life but I am also terrified of upsetting someone or ruining something and seeing it all be torn down. A reason I think I live in fear.

I worry about not being enough. I worry about being too boring or too quiet or too dumb. I worry that even though I had a positive first interaction with someone the other day, the second interaction will probably be crap.

I do not know why I feel this way even though I know it is not rational. It is hard to do anything with these thoughts on your mind, I could stare into blank space for hours. I am getting better though, with mediation, yoga, exercise, chosen family, my lovely cat, and my doctors. Everyday I try and make little improvements to let these thoughts pass me by. Lately I’ve been stuck in a rut due to pressure at school and work and from my parents. And on top of that I am struggling with being proud of my identity and true self in any setting.

For now I just want to accept and reflect on who I am so I get to a place where I don’t need to approval of others to live my life.