April has been a transformative month… I think I have reached some of my lowest and most at peace points in my life within a 30 day period and I am starting to see the point of all that torture. Firstly, I want to begin with saying my mental health has been a hell of a lot better these days. I have been on my medication for a longer period of time, I took my exam, I left the country… I am doing okay. My medication dose was increased halfway through the month, which I cried about, but it was definitely for the better. I am also not a numb zombie, what my biggest fear was and what comes up first when you deep dive into blogs about taking anti-depressants…. Actually listening to my doctor was a necessity.

However, I do want to point out I think the relationship I have with my doctor and therapist is what makes this all work. It has taken a while to find someone who sees me and my problems and just doesn’t try to write it off in a prescription. This sounds awful but I am normally the person to not listen to my doctor… even though I study medicine, after my childhood doctor passed away and a couple of negative experiences with doctors afterwards…. it takes a lot for me to take a new medication (besides getting my shots, including my flu shot I take every year.. please get yo shots) if it does not feel absolutely needed. If I was dying of syphilis of course I’ll take the medication but having a doctor tell me oh just take an anxiolytic to help with your heart palpitations… I think I’ll have to get a second opinion first before I keel over (yes this is real scenario, I have a heart murmur so I was concerned to say the least).

What I am saying is sometimes doctors don’t see the whole patient and when you lose a long term provider like I did, it is extremely hard for a new doctor to be sure of the right treatment plan before getting to know you. But everything is normally very fast paced and there is pressure to cure everything fast so no one takes their time. There is also definite underlying bias I have felt from providers being I am a queer African American woman. After enduring a whole lot of sh*t, I finally found a female provider who really listens to everything I say and I have been feeling more confident in my understanding of my mental issues, including how to battle them.

It has taken me years to get to a point of almost peace. I am still grinding my teeth at night but every day for the past two weeks I have been looking around and thinking everything is going to be okay. It feels as if something has clicked recently.

I’ve long heard that teachers never know exactly how children learn how to read. They teach about letters and sentence structure and then they practice, practice, practice with the kids. Then all of a sudden it all just clicks. It isn’t perfect reading but it flows together. That is something that often comes to mind when I think about this part of my life. I am now beginning to really accept my whole self. I am beginning to understand that I don’t have to fit in a box or fit a label, and I don’t have to be perfect at everything I do. That thought process actually hinders me in life. I just want to be.