I think the hardest part about coming back to work after a mental and/or physical health break is not slipping back into old habits. It is SO exhausting to change. I want to emphasize this as I completely underestimated how difficult it is to change the habits in your life you probably thought were fine. However, after my two week break in an attempt to avoid slipping back to my old self, I took a good long look at all of my daily habits. I really reflected on everything I do and how it makes me feel. From my morning coffee to what I said to myself before I go to bed. All of these little things add up to either promote a sustainable lifestyle or a burnout… and because unfortunately I experienced the latter, I knew something had to change.

My first full day back to work was so incredibly hard. I was later told by my therapist that it is normal to feel like 20 steps backwards have been taken.

I felt judged and uncomfortable after being so supported for those two weeks. A little background about work, my work situation is okay, I have a good job and some good friends as co-workers, however, I still have major problems navigating academia as a black, queer woman. I feel like there are very little safe spaces and the way I am perceived is sometimes skewed by underlying biases. It feels hard to speak openly without receiving judgement or a passive aggressive response. I felt as if I was walking on eggshells while my white co-workers were free to be “human” aka themselves.

For example, a white co-worker of mine got into my manager’s face in an elevator and called her “a f*****g b***h.” Another white co-worker yelled at my then black co-worker telling her she would “punch her in the f*****g face.” And I had a white manager tell me she took a racism quiz and it said she was racist towards black people but that couldn’t be true because her boyfriend is black…. Now there were no repercussions at all… guys I am not even kidding at all for these white co-workers who are blatantly disrespectful every day. It has been very difficult navigating the comments towards myself and other people of color in the office and no one understanding that it is wrong and discriminatory. A lot of people of color have left or have been fired because they did not feel heard and even when I stand up for myself I have been told I am too stern or too serious.

Before I left on my break I was internalizing all the comments that were said to me in person or via text/email by my co-workers and what I was seeing in lab, becoming numb to them. When I returned, even small comments would make me overflow with tears. Not only that, people who I did not normally speak to telling me that I seem to have changed or constantly asking me what happened makes me want to cry. Inside, I feel that some people who ask are not coming from good intentions. So basically my first week back was spent crying a lot.

Though at the time I was beating myself up so much, looking back I did pretty well with the circumstances given. I threw myself into a triggering environment but I did not destroy my body out of sadness. I changed my daily routine to one that worked for me and allowed me to be at my healthiest. I did not come home after work and drink two bottles of wine in an attempt to numb myself of everything I experienced during the day. I sat with my thoughts, then let positivity flow in. I danced around my apartment a lot to my favorite music. I set up a new cat tree. I spent time preparing my lunches and dinners to make sure I am getting all of the nutrition I need. I gained back my almost all of my weight loss from stress in a healthy way. I allowed myself to feel the emotions but once I left work I focused on myself. As I felt my vibrations got higher and higher, I started to feel like myself a little more at work every day.

I don’t go out for morning coffee runs anymore, I stick to my tea (as hard as it is). I eat my packed lunch every day that has been nourishing me, making me more conscious of what I put into my body and has been giving me so much energy. I sleep when I need to. I meditate and face my negative thoughts to not let the control me. I practice my yoga every day. I clean my body and my space every day. I do all of the things that I always brushed off because I felt I did not have time, etc. but now I realize how important it is to really take care of yourself. Daily habits really build up and I am trying to build daily habits that allow me to function at my happiest and get through all of the ups and downs of each day.

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The biggest aspect of myself I know I need to grow is my self-worth, self love, and my self confidence. I truly feel if you own yourself then anything is possible. I have let myself get the best of me in the past but I am working so hard to change it. Something that has been helping me build these aspects of myself is reading more about ‘real’ people instead of my usual science fiction stuff. Right now I am on a book about Rosa Parks and her rebellious life before she became the figure we all know about today. Something that was a very brief aspect of the novel but has stuck with me was about her experience with “white” and “colored” water fountains. She would wonder if the “white” water tasted differently than the “colored” water, if they were maid differently… She sought for answers to the questions she asked as a young child, instead of accepting them as the way they were. And to her surprise, she realized that there was no difference in the water and it was a product of discrimination in the segregated society.

I was reminded on how much this constant discrimination and de-humanization does something to the mind if it is not confronted.. and not only to the oppressed but the oppressor as well. Though this broke me to pieces, I am realizing how important it is to keep questioning and to keep pushing to get to the truth. I know life is far more complicated than simply using your mind to “get over” the social barriers that have already been put up against us… but every small inch forward helps.

I am learning to never dull my light for anyone else, keep questioning myself, and try to make this world a little better. I know if I continue to heal myself and be true to myself and find the truth in everything I seek, then maybe solidify my little dent in this universe.

❤