I am done wishing my life away or wishing to know the future of my life. I am done wishing I was white or had straight hair. I am done wishing I got perfect grades, went to X college, and did X-Y-Z after college. I am done wishing I did not have a toxic relationship with my parents. I am done wishing my mother wasn’t a narcissist or my dad was not an alcoholic. For the first time in a while, I realized how much I was living in a fantasy world in my head. A world where I was perfect and I made everyone around me happy. I have been entertaining these fantasies since high school. It makes me feel good as I got my hit of dopamine thinking about these perfect worlds. But this is not reality.

The reality is I am an imperfect person living in an imperfect world. None of that is my fault and I should not blame myself for not navigating it perfectly. I needed to forgive myself. I forgave myself. I make up excuses and I am very forgiving of other people, understanding that life is messy and these small mistakes are okay… But for me, if I do not have a perfect morning routine, I beat myself up for the rest of the day. Or if I wake up later than I am supposed to. There is no use in ruminating about it, I forgive myself, and I am not going to let it control me for the rest of the day.

The intense shame and guilt I feel when I am making these “mistakes” are just feelings brought on by my upbringing and personal experiences. It does not mean I am a terrible person or I will never get anything right… this was just how I was treated in similar situations growing up, but I can change that thought pattern. I can break the cycle.

I am allowing myself to sense my feelings without resistance. Feel what they are doing to my body. And start taking note. I am getting curious about how my body responds to my thoughts, and if it is something I want to continue doing. Because after all, it is my body and I have a choice on how I act in it. I know I can make the choices I want throughout the day and get to where I need to be if I listen to my body and listen to my thoughts.

I want to start relying on myself. This does not mean I am going to refuse help when I need it, but relying on myself to cultivate the life I want. I am not going to rely on someone to make me more fit, or smart, or happy. Other people might provide me with the tools but ultimately it is up to me to pick and choose what I want, and I will do so consciously and willingly.

I want to bring positive thoughts to the forefront of my brain to tell those negative ones to fuck off. I want to put myself and my loved ones first. Before objects, money, jobs, etc. Also, I don’t expect to live a perfect life free of problems, but I want to live life on my own terms with problems that I am grateful for.

I’ve been living in a fantasy for too long. It started as childhood dreams but now it is holding me back. I am grateful for my current life and wouldn’t want to change a thing.