For me, starting is not the hardest

It is maintaining.

I keep talking myself out of doing things

Something might happen, I might upset someone, or do something bad.

These thoughts cloud my mind

Turning my clear lake into a middy pond.

Then, as those bad thoughts gain more power and momentum

They began to drown me.

I was constantly fighting against them, trying not to be dragged under.

But the lake just got more dangerous and rough.

It felt like it will be impossible to go back to my original state of peace.

That crystal clear lake.

After a while, I forget what I was even striving for.

I forget how that clean lake felt in my head.

But then I decide to stop fighting the waves.

I float…

I allow myself to be imperfect and to be messy.

I talk out my thoughts with people or write them out to try and let them not get too polluted from the muddy waters.

The waves slowly begin to calm

There are still ripples I feel, still disturbing the lake in my mind

But I understand that they can’t hurt me and I don’t need to fight them.

I know I am still under those slightly muddied waters and nothing can change that.

I just have to let the debris settle.