I am the creator of my thoughts and the environment in my mind.
All posts by Demi
A Thought
I want to be proud of myself…
But I am still figuring out where to begin.
Pre-quarantine photos
What you focus on controls your life…
Everyday I worry.
My worry started small like anybody else.
I worried about my health after a lump in my breast was found.
I had surgery, and it was taken out.
But the worry was still there.
I worried about my health constantly.
Then, I worried about what others thought of me.
Then, I worried about my body image.
The worry grew like a snowball down a hill, and I thought I couldn’t stop it.
It was as if I was at the bottom of the hill, and was facing away from the growing ball.
And everyday I was hit by it, and every morning another one started back up again.
I lived in constant fear of it, it was always on my mind.
Everyday it seemed to grow, the more and more as I fed it with my thoughts.
One cold morning, it started back up again, on top of the hill..
But, I was able to turn around and see it.
I was able to jump out the way.
The snowball still began at the beginning of the day, but it wasn’t hitting me.
Soon, the snowball became a distant memory after hoping out of its way.
I stopped thinking about that snowball that used to knock me to the ground.
It didn’t knock the breath away from me and I am able to continue living.
Journey to loving myself
For most of my life, I truly did not understand the concept of loving yourself. People always say you have to love yourself before you love anyone else and I didn’t know what they meant. I grew up in a household that rarely said “I love you”, so it can be expected that a young Deme did not understand the concept of love.
Since hearing all of this stuff about loving yourself first, I’ve been on this journey to try and figure out what that meant. And this morning, I was able to write “I love myself” in my journal and truly feel a little love for myself… 24 years later.
I started this journey by starting to prioritize myself and my needs… even above my family’s. I understand that this is a privilege as no one in my family was severely ill nor was I in need of their assistance that much at the time, but I had to distance myself from them to start finding out who I truly was. More walks and runs alone. More doing what I wanted alone. I stopped waiting for groups of friends to tell me what I should like and should be doing. I transferred colleges to a non faith based one to stop feeding this thought that I need to seem like a “good girl”… whatever that means. And I decided to be single for a while…. whether that was a choice or not is still up in the air but I wanted to be single.
“I had to distance myself from them to start finding out who I truly was.”
I got the cat I’ve always wanted. I started doing more yoga, going to graduate school, solo traveling, and doing all of the things other people in my life did not understand or want me to do… because no one knows me but me.
I stopped being so angry all the time and stopped having temper outbursts… okay tantrums, on other people. I became calmer and happier overall.
But in this process of understanding self, came my depression and anxiety. Just being more aware of myself and my choices made my head spin and my body tense. I’ve always dealt with this anxiety but it was so much worse. I stopped caring for myself again.
Then I made the active choice to go see a doctor, and then another, and then another until I found one that I felt understood me. I found a therapy schedule and therapist that worked for me. The dark clouds started to disappear and the knots in my neck started to loosen.
I started looking at the people in my life differently. The way they spoke to me, how they treated me. I started to realize who actually deserved to be in my life and who did not. Then, I met my current girlfriend. And saw how much she cared for me and understood this is what I deserve.
I love myself and I am able to truly see her and love her.
Inspiring Creativity Through Rumi
People say that poetry can change the way we think. I fully standby this statement with poetry and all other art forms that reveal the hidden intricacies of human life. During this downtime we all have, some are taking the time to be more creative as our work has slowed. Here are the quotes by Rumi that I am using to inspire the creativity and soul within me:
I have been a seeker and I still am, but I stopped asking books and the stars. I started listening to the teachings of my Soul.
I take this quote right now as being able to use our outside tools to give us the motivation and maybe the inspiration but to mainly inquire inwards. We have the answers to the questions we seek and when given all the tools, we still have to come up the ideas within ourselves.
This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.
Love is a big part of art forms for me. Most of the time when you think of a creative we think they have to love their craft. In this quote Rumi is talking about loving another person but why not use the same practice in your craft right now. Dive head first and see where the passion takes you.
Be patient where you sit in the dark, the dawn is coming.
Just be patient during this time. Be patient with yourself and whatever passion you decide to pursue. Know that no matter what light will be coming to replace the darkness.
Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.
Everyone has a purpose in this world. It is so important to spend time with yourself and look inside to see what your unique offering to the world is.
Start a huge, foolish project, like Noah… It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.
Do the thing. Just do it. Who cares what other people think at the end of the day.
Trauma
My trauma lives in my bones
Affects the way I interact with the world
The way I speak
How I act and react
It affects my love life
My trauma is felt deep in my bones
It takes breaking them to be set free
The first thing you do…
Is to forget that I’m Black
Second,
You must never forget that
I’m Black
-Pat Parker
True Self Love
For the longest time, I didn’t love myself. My thoughts were echoes of all the negative self talk that had been said to me over the years. My body held the generational trauma felt by my ancestors, and my environment was polluted with anti-black girl posters and media.
Then one day, I stepped out of that loop of thought and denial. You would think the awakening would have been freeing but it almost broke me. I dropped down into a depression, my anxiety worsened. Seeing everything for what it was in the light, made the world a much scarier place.
It took years of facing these demons to feel like myself again. But now the real work begins… loving myself for who I am.
Loving myself for who I am without having to downplay my talents. Loving myself in spite of how I was and am treated by others. Loving myself despite of what society tells me I should love. Loving myself even though I am not in love with a man. Loving myself for everything that I am and could be and will not be.
Growing up I felt wrong. Like constantly dropping food wrong or feeling like “God” left me unfinished. Feeling like there was nothing interesting about being a little black girl when I was everything.
Now, I am determined to change my mindset on my path of self love and self discovery. For me and most other black girls queer and straight alike, our paths to self love is anything but a smooth one.
But it’s possible.
My Morning Routine With Generalized Anxiety
Dealing with anxiety means I can’t just jump out of bed, throw on some clothes and run out the door. I’ve quickly realized if my mornings are not peaceful and low key, then I am setting myself up for an anxiety attack on my way to work.
So here are the simple things I do to stay grounded and get ready for any busy day:
Drink Water
I drink water as soon as I can when I wake up. I take my medication in the morning so I have to drink water but I keep my water bottle right by my bed so I can wake up and take some gulps of the good stuff.
Take A Deep Breath
Research shows that our bodies are actually low on oxygen in the morning. Obviously more than one deep breath might be needed but the simple reminder to breathe deep before you step off your bed and into the world can do wonders.
Stretch/Yoga
I do a quick 10 to 30 minute yoga session in the morning before I move onto anything else. It is a moment to thank my body and be grateful for it. It also allows me to stay grounded for the day and is used to mainly clear my mind as I stretch out my body that spent 8 hours or more lying down.
Make Breakfast and Coffee/Tea
This has been a new thing for me because I used to swear I was never hungry in the morning. I always thought I did not need breakfast, just coffee or tea (also pro-tip drink that de-caf instead!). However, since listening more to my body and getting on my anxiolytic medication, I started to realize I do need breakfast to get me through the day. It provides me with the energy I need to be able to get my morning tasks done without extreme exhaustion and has made the morning time more enjoyable. I usually enjoy toast, bread, and fruit with the occasional avocado.
Reading or Journaling
Usually this activity happens during my breakfast while I am listening to some soft, chill music. This allows me to think about what I want to get out of the day or I can choose to get wrapped up in a story other than the stories in my head. It is just an activity that truly allows me to get out of my head and do something tangible.
And that’s it! Very simple and relaxing to start my day before I shower and head out for the day (of course please get ready before you end the morning routine). Having this routine down has really made me feel more in control of my days and therefore my life, keeping my anxiety in check.
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The Chatty Cat 