Am I going to wake up in time?
Am I going to sleep on time?
How long will it take me to adjust?
How will this affect my medication schedule?
How will I make it through the week?
Will I make it through the week?
I’m going to be so tired.
But everyone will be so tired.
What if I get hit by a car?
What if I mess up at work and get fired?
Why am I not tired yet??
Why did I wake up too early?
Will I make it through today?
I will
I got this
I started online therapy and being with a new therapist for me has been meaning cleaning up old wounds that may have been overlooked in sessions with my previous therapist. So I dug into an old journal post and put it out here so others can also know what I am going through and hopefully see that they are not alone. I jump around between present and past tense because some things are still currently affecting me when others affected me mostly in the past.
I always feel like I hide a piece of myself at all times. I never admit to the nagging feelings that are invading my head. I think most doctors think I’m better off than I actually am, or maybe they think I’m completely insane. I try incredibly hard on a daily basis to seem calm and collected and mentally stable though I know deep down I am not.
But I know I want to list out what I actually feel instead of trying to just hope that someone is going to look at me and see what is going on under the surface and “cure” me.
I have panic attacks being at a crowded Target or the mall or most crowded areas in general. I have avoided the mall for years and my mom and partner go shopping for me most of the time.
I used to make lists and lists of vague physical symptoms thinking that it would add up to something.
I used to spend every weekend indoors because I felt I was a bother to people so much that I didn’t want to take up space anywhere that wasn’t my own
I fear choking or vomiting so much that I don’t swallow my pills whole for no reason at all and I’ve never taken shots of alcohol. I swallow my food very slowly and never over eat which has been good for my weight.. just not my mental health.
I’m always worried about being wrong and doing wrong. Earlier today, I was being a little bad after a few drinks at happy hour and touched my girlfriend’s thermostat. She was angry as expected and I apologized and turned it back right away but when I got home I cried about it thinking about what a horrible person I am.
I constantly worry about me smelling bad in public. I will replay scenarios in my head and think could they smell my breath, how close was to them.. on top of my normal replaying of situations in my head.
I fear just speaking to people or being around people in general. I feel that my presence is never enough and that I’m weird and not good enough to even say a word. I look at other people and wish that I could just live life in front of others like they do
Some of this may be normal and some may be abnormal.. I’m not sure. I’m just trying to call it all out.
As I walk away from that place
I feel its negativity shedding from me
step by step
breath by breath
I am me again
Don’t pray to be healed or look for evidence of “some other world.”
You are the soul
and medicine for what wounds the soul.
So during my solo trip in Iceland last year I was very single and ready to mingle. So I hit the bar scene and made some very nice queer friends including a girl I had a little fling with. All was fun and games but I wanted to share some tips about where to go in Reykjavik to mingle as a queer person.
Hlemmur square is actually described as an “upscale hotel and restaurant” but if you sit at the bar, you can look around and find several other queer people including the bartenders. Many young and older people frequent there and have a great time. The chef is also very nice and loves to give hugs 🙂 Pro tip, don’t hit on a bartender though… most are taken.
KiKi is a late night bar most definitely. I would go there after eating at Hlemmur Square and after having a couple of drinks at the next bar I will mention. They have great music and dancing (and cheaper drinks too!). Be ready to stumble home at 4am back to your hostel after going here.
This was by far my favorite bar as everyone was so friendly and this is where I really got to bond with my peers in Iceland. I got free drinks from the bartender because I was traveling by myself and it was just such a great place to catch a few drinks and hit up a conversation.
And that’s it! I went to other bars and music spots but not any I can recommend right now. I can post some other recommendations like best places to catch a quick bite or go for a dip in another post.
Have a great day beloveds ❤
While exploring my feelings about my passions around teaching instead of becoming a Nobel Prize winning scientist, I came across this blog talking about a GPS map [source: https://inalove.world/2020/01/06/what-is-your-gps-map/].
On one hand, the author INALOVEWORLD describes the more negative GPS map labeled as Guilt, Punishment, and Sin. However, on the other hand there is the more positive leaning GPS map labeled as Guiltless, Power, and Sinless. When thinking about why I am feeling so torn about my passions about teaching, I felt I was feeling so much of the negative leaning GPS map that is driven by fear and the opinions of others.
I kept being told that students are ungrateful and I won’t get paid enough. After some deep thought I realized that can’t be true as I am someone who is so grateful for learning and I know others in my life who are too. I know a lot of teachers who feel fulfilled by their work and every day I see ads for new and booming educational based businesses.
If I let myself be stuck on my negative GPS, I would not get anywhere I wanted to be. My inner self felt so torn trying to look away from my passions. I knew I had to lean into the positive GPS and apply those concepts to my ideas to follow my heart based on my own desires and not my fears.
“Intuition goes before you, showing you the way. Emotion follows behind, to let you know when you go astray. Listen to your inner voice. It is the calling of your spiritual GPS system seeking to keep you on track towards your true destiny.”
Anthon St. Maarten
Last year, I went on 2 solo travel trips to Iceland and France in an effort to be “alone with my thoughts.” At the time I didn’t know why I wanted to go on a solo trip even though at the time I had crippling anxiety but I wanted to give it a shot. I knew the physical benefits but I wanted to know what the benefits were from a mental and philosophical perspective.
I’ve always heard that people who spend more time alone are happier. I pondered it and thought well maybe they have clearer intentions and a better idea of who they are at their core because they listen to themselves.
Then, when I finished my yoga teacher training a few weeks ago I realized most of these thoughts I pondered long ago were true. While reading the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali in training, I learned about the quieting of the “mind-stuff,” aka your thoughts, allows for you to be more in touch with your true self. Like an ocean that has calmed after a storm and you can finally see the ocean floor (yourself). What comes up in my daily life is what I can see on the surface of this ocean. This is also the reasoning behind meditation. Patanjali says:
“Then the Seer (Self) abides in Its own nature”
“At other times [the Self appears to] assume the forms of the mental modifications”
I took all of this as meaning my true self lies within myself. I don’t need to look towards the outside for anything because the Seer or my true self is inside my own mind. The Seer also acts as a mirror and therefore can take the forms of my Ego or mental modifications. Therefore, if they are negative then my true self will be muted under the reflection of all of those negative thoughts.
I am interested in seeing the reflection in the mirror. Knowing myself and understanding myself. Spending time alone, journaling, and meditation has helped me be more intentional with my thoughts, quieting the ocean within my mind.
I am no where near any level of enlightenment as Patanjali, but this understanding makes me a better person in my daily life so I work towards being my best self every day.
1. Close your eyes, Fall in love, Stay there.
2. If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?
3. All day I think about it, then at night I say it.. Where do I come from, what am I supposed to be doing?.. I have no idea. My souls is from elsewhere, I am sure of that, and I intend to end up there.
4. If people misunderstood you, do not worry. It is your voice they hear, but what goes through their mind is.. their own thoughts
5. Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.
In my feels.
On one hand I feel embarrassed by the disillusions my mind told me.
But on a different hand I see I didn’t know any better.
I didn’t know any better because my family didn’t, and my community didn’t, and their community didn’t see.
So change can start with me understanding, learning, and growing past these invisible blockades warping my vision.
I have enough power to change a lot.
I have these thoughts to get me through the days.
I am always worthwhile because I just am.
I am a daughter, a sister, a partner, a friend, a cousin, a student, a scientist.
I am every one of those things and also none of them.
I am fluid, I am flexible, I am kind, I am generous.
I am whole, I am forever growing, I am
❤
Thank you for being with me beloveds. Also peep at my new self love tattoo in the main image!
That being said, this was not cheap. I had to pay upfront costs before I got to speak to any counselor. I pay 58 dollars/week but I am charged monthly…. That was something that held me back for the longest time. However, since starting yesterday I have found a therapist who I feel will fit my needs and their worksheets and questionnaires are actually very relevant and helpful to me to be reflective about not only my mental health but my social health and spiritual health which I think has gotten ignored in past during my in person sessions.
Overall, I feel positive about the online counseling so far. Now I have to make a smooth exit from my in person therapist because its just not feeling right for me right now. Something that I want to work on in hopefully online therapy.
Cheers beloveds, and have a great day.
The Chatty Cat 