My trauma lives in my bones
Affects the way I interact with the world
The way I speak
How I act and react
It affects my love life
My trauma is felt deep in my bones
It takes breaking them to be set free
Category Archives: mental health
True Self Love
For the longest time, I didn’t love myself. My thoughts were echoes of all the negative self talk that had been said to me over the years. My body held the generational trauma felt by my ancestors, and my environment was polluted with anti-black girl posters and media.
Then one day, I stepped out of that loop of thought and denial. You would think the awakening would have been freeing but it almost broke me. I dropped down into a depression, my anxiety worsened. Seeing everything for what it was in the light, made the world a much scarier place.
It took years of facing these demons to feel like myself again. But now the real work begins… loving myself for who I am.
Loving myself for who I am without having to downplay my talents. Loving myself in spite of how I was and am treated by others. Loving myself despite of what society tells me I should love. Loving myself even though I am not in love with a man. Loving myself for everything that I am and could be and will not be.
Growing up I felt wrong. Like constantly dropping food wrong or feeling like “God” left me unfinished. Feeling like there was nothing interesting about being a little black girl when I was everything.
Now, I am determined to change my mindset on my path of self love and self discovery. For me and most other black girls queer and straight alike, our paths to self love is anything but a smooth one.
But it’s possible.
My Morning Routine With Generalized Anxiety
Dealing with anxiety means I can’t just jump out of bed, throw on some clothes and run out the door. I’ve quickly realized if my mornings are not peaceful and low key, then I am setting myself up for an anxiety attack on my way to work.
So here are the simple things I do to stay grounded and get ready for any busy day:
Drink Water
I drink water as soon as I can when I wake up. I take my medication in the morning so I have to drink water but I keep my water bottle right by my bed so I can wake up and take some gulps of the good stuff.
Take A Deep Breath
Research shows that our bodies are actually low on oxygen in the morning. Obviously more than one deep breath might be needed but the simple reminder to breathe deep before you step off your bed and into the world can do wonders.
Stretch/Yoga
I do a quick 10 to 30 minute yoga session in the morning before I move onto anything else. It is a moment to thank my body and be grateful for it. It also allows me to stay grounded for the day and is used to mainly clear my mind as I stretch out my body that spent 8 hours or more lying down.
Make Breakfast and Coffee/Tea
This has been a new thing for me because I used to swear I was never hungry in the morning. I always thought I did not need breakfast, just coffee or tea (also pro-tip drink that de-caf instead!). However, since listening more to my body and getting on my anxiolytic medication, I started to realize I do need breakfast to get me through the day. It provides me with the energy I need to be able to get my morning tasks done without extreme exhaustion and has made the morning time more enjoyable. I usually enjoy toast, bread, and fruit with the occasional avocado.
Reading or Journaling
Usually this activity happens during my breakfast while I am listening to some soft, chill music. This allows me to think about what I want to get out of the day or I can choose to get wrapped up in a story other than the stories in my head. It is just an activity that truly allows me to get out of my head and do something tangible.
And that’s it! Very simple and relaxing to start my day before I shower and head out for the day (of course please get ready before you end the morning routine). Having this routine down has really made me feel more in control of my days and therefore my life, keeping my anxiety in check.
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Anxious thoughts during Daylight Savings
Am I going to wake up in time?
Am I going to sleep on time?
How long will it take me to adjust?
How will this affect my medication schedule?
How will I make it through the week?
Will I make it through the week?
I’m going to be so tired.
But everyone will be so tired.
What if I get hit by a car?
What if I mess up at work and get fired?
Why am I not tired yet??
Why did I wake up too early?
Will I make it through today?
I will
I got this
Calling Out My Anxiety
I started online therapy and being with a new therapist for me has been meaning cleaning up old wounds that may have been overlooked in sessions with my previous therapist. So I dug into an old journal post and put it out here so others can also know what I am going through and hopefully see that they are not alone. I jump around between present and past tense because some things are still currently affecting me when others affected me mostly in the past.
diary post
I always feel like I hide a piece of myself at all times. I never admit to the nagging feelings that are invading my head. I think most doctors think I’m better off than I actually am, or maybe they think I’m completely insane. I try incredibly hard on a daily basis to seem calm and collected and mentally stable though I know deep down I am not.
But I know I want to list out what I actually feel instead of trying to just hope that someone is going to look at me and see what is going on under the surface and “cure” me.
I have panic attacks being at a crowded Target or the mall or most crowded areas in general. I have avoided the mall for years and my mom and partner go shopping for me most of the time.
I used to make lists and lists of vague physical symptoms thinking that it would add up to something.
I used to spend every weekend indoors because I felt I was a bother to people so much that I didn’t want to take up space anywhere that wasn’t my own
I fear choking or vomiting so much that I don’t swallow my pills whole for no reason at all and I’ve never taken shots of alcohol. I swallow my food very slowly and never over eat which has been good for my weight.. just not my mental health.
I’m always worried about being wrong and doing wrong. Earlier today, I was being a little bad after a few drinks at happy hour and touched my girlfriend’s thermostat. She was angry as expected and I apologized and turned it back right away but when I got home I cried about it thinking about what a horrible person I am.
I constantly worry about me smelling bad in public. I will replay scenarios in my head and think could they smell my breath, how close was to them.. on top of my normal replaying of situations in my head.
I fear just speaking to people or being around people in general. I feel that my presence is never enough and that I’m weird and not good enough to even say a word. I look at other people and wish that I could just live life in front of others like they do
Some of this may be normal and some may be abnormal.. I’m not sure. I’m just trying to call it all out.
My GPS Map
While exploring my feelings about my passions around teaching instead of becoming a Nobel Prize winning scientist, I came across this blog talking about a GPS map [source: https://inalove.world/2020/01/06/what-is-your-gps-map/].
On one hand, the author INALOVEWORLD describes the more negative GPS map labeled as Guilt, Punishment, and Sin. However, on the other hand there is the more positive leaning GPS map labeled as Guiltless, Power, and Sinless. When thinking about why I am feeling so torn about my passions about teaching, I felt I was feeling so much of the negative leaning GPS map that is driven by fear and the opinions of others.
I kept being told that students are ungrateful and I won’t get paid enough. After some deep thought I realized that can’t be true as I am someone who is so grateful for learning and I know others in my life who are too. I know a lot of teachers who feel fulfilled by their work and every day I see ads for new and booming educational based businesses.
If I let myself be stuck on my negative GPS, I would not get anywhere I wanted to be. My inner self felt so torn trying to look away from my passions. I knew I had to lean into the positive GPS and apply those concepts to my ideas to follow my heart based on my own desires and not my fears.
“Intuition goes before you, showing you the way. Emotion follows behind, to let you know when you go astray. Listen to your inner voice. It is the calling of your spiritual GPS system seeking to keep you on track towards your true destiny.”
Anthon St. Maarten
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What does spending time alone actually do?
Last year, I went on 2 solo travel trips to Iceland and France in an effort to be “alone with my thoughts.” At the time I didn’t know why I wanted to go on a solo trip even though at the time I had crippling anxiety but I wanted to give it a shot. I knew the physical benefits but I wanted to know what the benefits were from a mental and philosophical perspective.
I’ve always heard that people who spend more time alone are happier. I pondered it and thought well maybe they have clearer intentions and a better idea of who they are at their core because they listen to themselves.
Then, when I finished my yoga teacher training a few weeks ago I realized most of these thoughts I pondered long ago were true. While reading the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali in training, I learned about the quieting of the “mind-stuff,” aka your thoughts, allows for you to be more in touch with your true self. Like an ocean that has calmed after a storm and you can finally see the ocean floor (yourself). What comes up in my daily life is what I can see on the surface of this ocean. This is also the reasoning behind meditation. Patanjali says:
“Then the Seer (Self) abides in Its own nature”
“At other times [the Self appears to] assume the forms of the mental modifications”
I took all of this as meaning my true self lies within myself. I don’t need to look towards the outside for anything because the Seer or my true self is inside my own mind. The Seer also acts as a mirror and therefore can take the forms of my Ego or mental modifications. Therefore, if they are negative then my true self will be muted under the reflection of all of those negative thoughts.
I am interested in seeing the reflection in the mirror. Knowing myself and understanding myself. Spending time alone, journaling, and meditation has helped me be more intentional with my thoughts, quieting the ocean within my mind.
I am no where near any level of enlightenment as Patanjali, but this understanding makes me a better person in my daily life so I work towards being my best self every day.
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I’m Trying Online Counseling
That being said, this was not cheap. I had to pay upfront costs before I got to speak to any counselor. I pay 58 dollars/week but I am charged monthly…. That was something that held me back for the longest time. However, since starting yesterday I have found a therapist who I feel will fit my needs and their worksheets and questionnaires are actually very relevant and helpful to me to be reflective about not only my mental health but my social health and spiritual health which I think has gotten ignored in past during my in person sessions.
Overall, I feel positive about the online counseling so far. Now I have to make a smooth exit from my in person therapist because its just not feeling right for me right now. Something that I want to work on in hopefully online therapy.
Cheers beloveds, and have a great day.
I think I found a good medication regimen… (anxiety and depression)
So as I have hinted a lot has been changing. I left my toxic workplace about a month ago. I dealt with a lot of PTSD during my first two weeks and got a medication added to my lexapro regimen. I was terrified of adding a medication on as I felt like I was going crazy at first. But it took a little bit in therapy and convincing myself that none of this is my fault and that my emotions are valid and tell me when change is needed.
Here is what I am taking now: 30mg of lexapro (anti-depressant), 2 mg of aripiprazole (anti-psychotic to balance out dopamine and serotonin levels), and I have been halving a 0.5 mg of clonazepam (for panic attacks) as well. This is what I need to control my anxiety and depression right now and I am not ashamed of that. This transition period has been rough but has taught me so much about myself and what I need to prioritize.
Hell, I am writing this blog post at 7:50am right now with a water and green juice in hand, after stretching and a mediation session. I know my life can’t be like this every day but this is how I want my life to go.
I used to think medication would change my life for the worse for some reason. However, it has only improved my decision making and my daily life habits, as well as my social interactions. I just truly feel no one should be ashamed about speaking up about medication and talking to their doctor about their wants or reservations if it is suggested for them.
Have a great day beloveds.
Also… ya girl accepted an offer to Columbia University’s PhD program for fall 2020!!!! Yee haw.
Black Self Doubt
Self doubt has been consuming me lately. I just went for PhD interviews and I was so riddled with anxiety as I kept comparing myself to others around me. Most of it seemed normal, except I dealt with a mind altering migraine because of it. My jaw was clenched so tightly shut that I swear I my teeth could’ve exploded out of my mouth. But as I started to dissect my own personal self doubt, I realized it was something that could be dealt with.
I know there is the saying that there will always be someone better than you.. I’ve heard it often and repeat it to myself often. But I think I was missing the point of that message. I was using that statement to tell myself I was not capable when it really should be used to keep myself “humble.” It shouldn’t be used to downplay my abilities. But then I thought about how throughout my life, adults have always downplayed my abilities:
For example, I run fast because I am black. Indeed genetics do play a role in my athletic ability but I trained hard, and my race did not have anything to do with me literally winning races. But that’s how it felt. Or how I got into college or got a scholarship because I am black. All of these microaggressions have taken a toll on me. Which leads me to my interview weekend at Columbia.
To be honest, I feel like I bombed it.. as in bad. I was overthinking everything and the whole time I was thinking I did not deserve to be there. I was trying to engage in conversations but all I was thinking was that I was the ONLY black female in the entire interview group. What must people be thinking of me and how I got to this point. I was really beating myself up the whole weekend I felt like crying. Maybe the school just wasn’t meant for me but it is disheartening that I doubted myself so much when reflecting back I did have a chance. It just did not feel that way in the moment.
Self doubt for me started when I was about 13. As a freshman in high school I was looking at all the seniors who were top of their class and thought, I could do that, and I could do it better. I could be perfect. But then when I got to talking to them and they knew all these things about universities and they came from a family where everyone went to college… I doubted if I could ever get to that point. I feel like that is a normal part of life everyone goes through, but I feel like for black females, this cycle of self doubt gets perpetuated. Its poisonous roots extend so deep as we are continuously told we are never good enough.
However, we are so much more intelligent and diverse than anyone gives us credit for. I think this is one of the biggest obstacles to tackle so that we can truly shine. Basically, fuck all of those people who try and put us in a box.
I don’t know what is to come of my future and I think self doubt will always be there. But I am determined to give it the middle finger and go for it this year. Believe in myself, not what others tell me. Because I am capable of anything.
The Chatty Cat 