Let’s be honest, I am still dealing with Depression. Depression with a capitol D. Makes my brain foggy some days and makes me feel not worthy of even being seen outside. I have been on anti-depressants for over 10 months now and I have mixed feelings. On one hand I feel they pulled me out of my suicidal thoughts. But on the other hand I feel like they expose a weak part of me. If anyone catches sight of my pills, I feel like Depression is written all over my face. Any comments, even jokingly, about me seeming anything less than mentally stable, gets me triggered. I go to therapy regularly, which is so fucking hard, and I constantly worry about who I will be off of the anti-depressants. It feels like a dirty little secret. All of that is hard enough, but changes in my sex drive makes it even more confusing.

I definitely want to state one thing and that is my sex drive did not go away completely. I always used to read about people having no sex drive on anti-depressants, etc. But I realized that was not the case for me. When I found out I could still have orgasms, I thought I was in the clear… Meanwhile, the reality of the situation was that it was harder for me to get off “on command” or when I am with a partner. I feel like orgasms and sex was something that came so natural to me (no pun intended). I did not have to think, the movements just happened and my body would respond. Now, however, I have two partners who I regularly sleep with and sometimes I am all for getting down and other times I just want to pleasure them. They know I struggle with depression and anxiety and that I take anti-depressants, but still I am looking at a disappointed face in the bedroom when they can’t get me off.

They ask if I am still attracted to them and they talk about how we should just try some more. I know we are all young and dumb but there are times where I just don’t even feel like trying to get off because I know it won’t happen. There are also different things that get me off more than others now. Like a lot of my sexual triggers got all jumbled up. Like how I enjoy talking in the bedroom more than I ever have. All of this made me realized the changes occurring from my anti-depressants made me feel different in not only in my daily life but in the bedroom as well.

Maybe this is old news to everyone, maybe I should change my prescription, or maybe this is who I will be while on my medication. Having orgasms are getting easier the longer I am on the same dose so that is hopeful. And all that my horniness has done for me in the past is get me in a lot of trouble since my sex drive caused me to only look at people with rose tinted lenses. Even though my partners feel slightly disappointed from time to time, I feel slightly empowered.

I feel empowered to make choices about who I love not about how hot they get my groin. I get to see how they actually treat me and love me. Without that emotional barrier, I feel I can see what is in front of me better and make choices for myself that are sustainable. I am someone who still loves passion and making love spontaneously, but I also know that orgasms aren’t all there is to a relationship. My orgasms are still here, I am confident in that but them being quieter has given me unexpected freedom.