Self doubt has been consuming me lately. I just went for PhD interviews and I was so riddled with anxiety as I kept comparing myself to others around me. Most of it seemed normal, except I dealt with a mind altering migraine because of it. My jaw was clenched so tightly shut that I swear I my teeth could’ve exploded out of my mouth. But as I started to dissect my own personal self doubt, I realized it was something that could be dealt with.

I know there is the saying that there will always be someone better than you.. I’ve heard it often and repeat it to myself often. But I think I was missing the point of that message. I was using that statement to tell myself I was not capable when it really should be used to keep myself “humble.” It shouldn’t be used to downplay my abilities. But then I thought about how throughout my life, adults have always downplayed my abilities:

For example, I run fast because I am black. Indeed genetics do play a role in my athletic ability but I trained hard, and my race did not have anything to do with me literally winning races. But that’s how it felt. Or how I got into college or got a scholarship because I am black. All of these microaggressions have taken a toll on me. Which leads me to my interview weekend at Columbia.

To be honest, I feel like I bombed it.. as in bad. I was overthinking everything and the whole time I was thinking I did not deserve to be there. I was trying to engage in conversations but all I was thinking was that I was the ONLY black female in the entire interview group. What must people be thinking of me and how I got to this point. I was really beating myself up the whole weekend I felt like crying. Maybe the school just wasn’t meant for me but it is disheartening that I doubted myself so much when reflecting back I did have a chance. It just did not feel that way in the moment.

Self doubt for me started when I was about 13. As a freshman in high school I was looking at all the seniors who were top of their class and thought, I could do that, and I could do it better. I could be perfect. But then when I got to talking to them and they knew all these things about universities and they came from a family where everyone went to college… I doubted if I could ever get to that point. I feel like that is a normal part of life everyone goes through, but I feel like for black females, this cycle of self doubt gets perpetuated. Its poisonous roots extend so deep as we are continuously told we are never good enough.

However, we are so much more intelligent and diverse than anyone gives us credit for. I think this is one of the biggest obstacles to tackle so that we can truly shine. Basically, fuck all of those people who try and put us in a box.

I don’t know what is to come of my future and I think self doubt will always be there. But I am determined to give it the middle finger and go for it this year. Believe in myself, not what others tell me. Because I am capable of anything.