For most of my life, I truly did not understand the concept of loving yourself. People always say you have to love yourself before you love anyone else and I didn’t know what they meant. I grew up in a household that rarely said “I love you”, so it can be expected that a young Deme did not understand the concept of love.

Since hearing all of this stuff about loving yourself first, I’ve been on this journey to try and figure out what that meant. And this morning, I was able to write “I love myself” in my journal and truly feel a little love for myself… 24 years later.

I started this journey by starting to prioritize myself and my needs… even above my family’s. I understand that this is a privilege as no one in my family was severely ill nor was I in need of their assistance that much at the time, but I had to distance myself from them to start finding out who I truly was. More walks and runs alone. More doing what I wanted alone. I stopped waiting for groups of friends to tell me what I should like and should be doing. I transferred colleges to a non faith based one to stop feeding this thought that I need to seem like a “good girl”… whatever that means. And I decided to be single for a while…. whether that was a choice or not is still up in the air but I wanted to be single.

I got the cat I’ve always wanted. I started doing more yoga, going to graduate school, solo traveling, and doing all of the things other people in my life did not understand or want me to do… because no one knows me but me.

I stopped being so angry all the time and stopped having temper outbursts… okay tantrums, on other people. I became calmer and happier overall.

But in this process of understanding self, came my depression and anxiety. Just being more aware of myself and my choices made my head spin and my body tense. I’ve always dealt with this anxiety but it was so much worse. I stopped caring for myself again.

Then I made the active choice to go see a doctor, and then another, and then another until I found one that I felt understood me. I found a therapy schedule and therapist that worked for me. The dark clouds started to disappear and the knots in my neck started to loosen.

I started looking at the people in my life differently. The way they spoke to me, how they treated me. I started to realize who actually deserved to be in my life and who did not. Then, I met my current girlfriend. And saw how much she cared for me and understood this is what I deserve.

I love myself and I am able to truly see her and love her.