Tag Archives: medication

mental health

I think I found a good medication regimen… (anxiety and depression)

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So as I have hinted a lot has been changing. I left my toxic workplace about a month ago. I dealt with a lot of PTSD during my first two weeks and got a medication added to my lexapro regimen. I was terrified of adding a medication on as I felt like I was going crazy at first. But it took a little bit in therapy and convincing myself that none of this is my fault and that my emotions are valid and tell me when change is needed.

Here is what I am taking now: 30mg of lexapro (anti-depressant), 2 mg of aripiprazole (anti-psychotic to balance out dopamine and serotonin levels), and I have been halving a 0.5 mg of clonazepam (for panic attacks) as well. This is what I need to control my anxiety and depression right now and I am not ashamed of that. This transition period has been rough but has taught me so much about myself and what I need to prioritize.

Hell, I am writing this blog post at 7:50am right now with a water and green juice in hand, after stretching and a mediation session. I know my life can’t be like this every day but this is how I want my life to go.

I used to think medication would change my life for the worse for some reason. However, it has only improved my decision making and my daily life habits, as well as my social interactions. I just truly feel no one should be ashamed about speaking up about medication and talking to their doctor about their wants or reservations if it is suggested for them.

Have a great day beloveds.

Also… ya girl accepted an offer to Columbia University’s PhD program for fall 2020!!!! Yee haw.

mental health

Sex Drive on Anti-Depressants

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Let’s be honest, I am still dealing with Depression. Depression with a capitol D. Makes my brain foggy some days and makes me feel not worthy of even being seen outside. I have been on anti-depressants for over 10 months now and I have mixed feelings. On one hand I feel they pulled me out of my suicidal thoughts. But on the other hand I feel like they expose a weak part of me. If anyone catches sight of my pills, I feel like Depression is written all over my face. Any comments, even jokingly, about me seeming anything less than mentally stable, gets me triggered. I go to therapy regularly, which is so fucking hard, and I constantly worry about who I will be off of the anti-depressants. It feels like a dirty little secret. All of that is hard enough, but changes in my sex drive makes it even more confusing.

I definitely want to state one thing and that is my sex drive did not go away completely. I always used to read about people having no sex drive on anti-depressants, etc. But I realized that was not the case for me. When I found out I could still have orgasms, I thought I was in the clear… Meanwhile, the reality of the situation was that it was harder for me to get off “on command” or when I am with a partner. I feel like orgasms and sex was something that came so natural to me (no pun intended). I did not have to think, the movements just happened and my body would respond. Now, however, I have two partners who I regularly sleep with and sometimes I am all for getting down and other times I just want to pleasure them. They know I struggle with depression and anxiety and that I take anti-depressants, but still I am looking at a disappointed face in the bedroom when they can’t get me off.

They ask if I am still attracted to them and they talk about how we should just try some more. I know we are all young and dumb but there are times where I just don’t even feel like trying to get off because I know it won’t happen. There are also different things that get me off more than others now. Like a lot of my sexual triggers got all jumbled up. Like how I enjoy talking in the bedroom more than I ever have. All of this made me realized the changes occurring from my anti-depressants made me feel different in not only in my daily life but in the bedroom as well.

Maybe this is old news to everyone, maybe I should change my prescription, or maybe this is who I will be while on my medication. Having orgasms are getting easier the longer I am on the same dose so that is hopeful. And all that my horniness has done for me in the past is get me in a lot of trouble since my sex drive caused me to only look at people with rose tinted lenses. Even though my partners feel slightly disappointed from time to time, I feel slightly empowered.

I feel empowered to make choices about who I love not about how hot they get my groin. I get to see how they actually treat me and love me. Without that emotional barrier, I feel I can see what is in front of me better and make choices for myself that are sustainable. I am someone who still loves passion and making love spontaneously, but I also know that orgasms aren’t all there is to a relationship. My orgasms are still here, I am confident in that but them being quieter has given me unexpected freedom.

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To be, or not to be

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April has been a transformative month… I think I have reached some of my lowest and most at peace points in my life within a 30 day period and I am starting to see the point of all that torture. Firstly, I want to begin with saying my mental health has been a hell of a lot better these days. I have been on my medication for a longer period of time, I took my exam, I left the country… I am doing okay. My medication dose was increased halfway through the month, which I cried about, but it was definitely for the better. I am also not a numb zombie, what my biggest fear was and what comes up first when you deep dive into blogs about taking anti-depressants…. Actually listening to my doctor was a necessity.

However, I do want to point out I think the relationship I have with my doctor and therapist is what makes this all work. It has taken a while to find someone who sees me and my problems and just doesn’t try to write it off in a prescription. This sounds awful but I am normally the person to not listen to my doctor… even though I study medicine, after my childhood doctor passed away and a couple of negative experiences with doctors afterwards…. it takes a lot for me to take a new medication (besides getting my shots, including my flu shot I take every year.. please get yo shots) if it does not feel absolutely needed. If I was dying of syphilis of course I’ll take the medication but having a doctor tell me oh just take an anxiolytic to help with your heart palpitations… I think I’ll have to get a second opinion first before I keel over (yes this is real scenario, I have a heart murmur so I was concerned to say the least).

What I am saying is sometimes doctors don’t see the whole patient and when you lose a long term provider like I did, it is extremely hard for a new doctor to be sure of the right treatment plan before getting to know you. But everything is normally very fast paced and there is pressure to cure everything fast so no one takes their time. There is also definite underlying bias I have felt from providers being I am a queer African American woman. After enduring a whole lot of sh*t, I finally found a female provider who really listens to everything I say and I have been feeling more confident in my understanding of my mental issues, including how to battle them.

It has taken me years to get to a point of almost peace. I am still grinding my teeth at night but every day for the past two weeks I have been looking around and thinking everything is going to be okay. It feels as if something has clicked recently.

I’ve long heard that teachers never know exactly how children learn how to read. They teach about letters and sentence structure and then they practice, practice, practice with the kids. Then all of a sudden it all just clicks. It isn’t perfect reading but it flows together. That is something that often comes to mind when I think about this part of my life. I am now beginning to really accept my whole self. I am beginning to understand that I don’t have to fit in a box or fit a label, and I don’t have to be perfect at everything I do. That thought process actually hinders me in life. I just want to be.