Tag Archives: mental health

Should you see a therapist?

May 11, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

This question is something that I’ve asked myself several times before seeing my first one. But here are some things that I used to do that made me consider going to therapy.

Feeling like you aren’t in control of your reactions.

Do you ever say or do something that you were confused about or felt it was out of your character? I was doing the same thing way too often. And I couldn’t pinpoint why I was acting the way I was and therefore couldn’t tackle the issues I had. I felt like I was not showing my true self and needed help having the reactions that I wanted to have.

Thinking about situations over and over again.

I used to lay down for bed wide awake with all of my past mistakes replaying as loops in my head. It occurred for so long that I thought it was the norm. But it’s not and I was ruminating. It was slowly causing a decline in my mental health as my sleep was compromised.

You turn to substances daily to manage your stress.

Nothing is wrong with your alcoholic beverage every once in a while but if you are using it as a crutch to help you wind down from the stress of daily life every day, consider seeing a therapist. Your problems can’t be pushed down with alcohol and/or other substances at the end of the day and are yearning to be felt and let out.

Do any of these speak to you?

How I’ve been Managing My Corona Anxiety

April 29, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

I woke up this morning actually feeling okay and at peace with myself. And though today is not any different than most of my days, I’ve noticed my perspective has changed and opened up some more room for other things in my brain.

I am still on my daily anxiolytic and having teleTHERAPY but I wanted to share what I have been doing to manage my anxiety at home.

Accepting what is

A lot of my anxiety was caused by me focusing on when all of this will be over with. I wanted to just sleep through this period of my life and wake up when it was all over. I was not focusing on the here and now and what my needs were because I just wanted the problem to be fixed. But as time went on and after I did some more meditating and therapy, I am starting to accept what is right now.

After accepting this as my current life, I am learning to do what feels best for me in this new life. Because nothing is keeping me back from learning more, and exploring more within myself.

Giving myself time for freak outs

Even though I am accepting more of what is, I am still prone to freak outs. Ones where I am over thinking and I am thinking about how things were before the pandemic or I worry about catching the virus… I could go on and on. I feel it is fine for me to have these moments as long as they are not taking over my whole day. So, I have been putting in about 30 minute blocks in my schedule for freak outs and I am trying to decrease the amount of time and blocks as time goes on.

This way, I have scheduled time for a freak out and then I can move on with my day.

I meditate

Now that I do have the time in my day, I meditate. Even if it is for 5 minutes or at the end of my at home yoga practice, I take some time with my thoughts. I try to keep it away from my anxieties and more about growth and improvement within myself. Also working through other traumas that are holding me back in life.

What are you doing to cope with your anxieties?

mental health

Never been more grateful to be able to take care of myself

April 22, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

Though these quarantine times are anything but easy and filled with uncertainty, I am appreciating the amount of time I can spend truly taking care of myself mentally and physically. I don’t feel the need to drink the problems of my day away, and I can interact with only the people I want to (besides my boss that I have to call every once in a while).

I didn’t always feel this way though, with the beginning of my quarantine days feeling lost, full of drinking, and overeating. And though I can’t say I completely kicked the overeating habit, with the help of therapy over the phone I am starting to cope in a healthy way. And I am starting to feel better mentally than I did before the quarantine started.

My routine is a lot less intense than it normally is, and I feel like I have truly gotten the time to reflect over my daily life and how hectic I made it for no reason. I am starting to realize what is important to me other than productivity and what I actually enjoy doing. I have also been giving my brain a much needed break before I start school in the Fall.

Before quarantine, my work was beginning to be a toxic place for me and it was depleting so much of my energy. I had no idea how much time I needed to recover from it and I am starting to realize how much certain environments do not work for me.

I am also starting to realize how slow I need to move in the morning and evenings. I don’t need to go to 6:45am hot yoga for an hour and a half to get my day going. I’ve learned even 20 minutes of at home yoga gives me the same benefits with less headaches.

There has been so much I’ve learned about myself during these times, and I encourage you to do the same. I mean what else do we have to do?

❤

mental health

Lying

April 8, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

I have been lying since the 5th grade. I plagiarized on a big project and got so embarrassed, I promised to never do that again. And for the most part I kept that promise to myself. Since then, I have been searching for my “truth” and decided from then on to always present that side of me to others. But as I grew up I realized the world was more complicated than it seemed and have been struggling with balancing the truth and lies ever since.

I thought it would be easy, to be truthful 100% of the time, and I’ll never run into an issue as I had in 5th grade. But little did I know I had to learn how to frame my words the right way to not come off as too truthful or seem too transparent. It has made me a target multiple times in my life and has gotten me into avoidable arguments.

Then it got to a point where I was so frustrated at being set back because I was honest, that I kind of gave up for a little bit. I lied about everything! What I had for breakfast that morning, what I did during my weekend, you name it. I just could not stop myself from making this life that was not mine. Then I felt the anxiety creep back up again.

I was messing up my stories and was not keeping track of my lies. I learned real fast I needed a clean slate once again, as this was not the solution to my problem. I still get anxiety even when I am telling the truth that others will think I am lying..

Now, I am stating my boundaries clearly. This means actually saying I am not interested in going to a party instead of a “maybe” or saying I don’t want to work weekends upfront instead of leaving the option open.

And I’ve learned to be honest but not too honest… but something still rubs me the wrong way. I am starting to get to vague and quiet to avoid a confrontation where I might have to be honest and hurt someone’s feelings. Kind of like how I am being vague in this blog post though something specific is on my mind.

While out on a much needed walk today, I realized nothing has stopped other people from being too honest with me and hurting my feelings… I don’t want to be like them but how do I voice my inner thoughts clearly and in a way that they understand the thoughts feelings I am dealing with in my head?

That is something I am still working on. As of now the “honest but not too honest” situation has me feeling uneasy. I feel that I am not as open as a person as I used to be, though that may be a good thing.

Maybe I just need to sit with that feeling longer and get used to it or maybe there is something I can change….

mental health, Poems

What you focus on controls your life…

March 26, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

Everyday I worry.

My worry started small like anybody else.

I worried about my health after a lump in my breast was found.

I had surgery, and it was taken out.

But the worry was still there.

I worried about my health constantly.

Then, I worried about what others thought of me.

Then, I worried about my body image.

The worry grew like a snowball down a hill, and I thought I couldn’t stop it.

It was as if I was at the bottom of the hill, and was facing away from the growing ball.

And everyday I was hit by it, and every morning another one started back up again.

I lived in constant fear of it, it was always on my mind.

Everyday it seemed to grow, the more and more as I fed it with my thoughts.

One cold morning, it started back up again, on top of the hill..

But, I was able to turn around and see it.

I was able to jump out the way.

The snowball still began at the beginning of the day, but it wasn’t hitting me.

Soon, the snowball became a distant memory after hoping out of its way.

I stopped thinking about that snowball that used to knock me to the ground.

It didn’t knock the breath away from me and I am able to continue living.

mental health

My Morning Routine With Generalized Anxiety

March 11, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

Dealing with anxiety means I can’t just jump out of bed, throw on some clothes and run out the door. I’ve quickly realized if my mornings are not peaceful and low key, then I am setting myself up for an anxiety attack on my way to work.

So here are the simple things I do to stay grounded and get ready for any busy day:

Drink Water

I drink water as soon as I can when I wake up. I take my medication in the morning so I have to drink water but I keep my water bottle right by my bed so I can wake up and take some gulps of the good stuff.

Take A Deep Breath

Research shows that our bodies are actually low on oxygen in the morning. Obviously more than one deep breath might be needed but the simple reminder to breathe deep before you step off your bed and into the world can do wonders.

Stretch/Yoga

I do a quick 10 to 30 minute yoga session in the morning before I move onto anything else. It is a moment to thank my body and be grateful for it. It also allows me to stay grounded for the day and is used to mainly clear my mind as I stretch out my body that spent 8 hours or more lying down.

Make Breakfast and Coffee/Tea

This has been a new thing for me because I used to swear I was never hungry in the morning. I always thought I did not need breakfast, just coffee or tea (also pro-tip drink that de-caf instead!). However, since listening more to my body and getting on my anxiolytic medication, I started to realize I do need breakfast to get me through the day. It provides me with the energy I need to be able to get my morning tasks done without extreme exhaustion and has made the morning time more enjoyable. I usually enjoy toast, bread, and fruit with the occasional avocado.

Reading or Journaling

Usually this activity happens during my breakfast while I am listening to some soft, chill music. This allows me to think about what I want to get out of the day or I can choose to get wrapped up in a story other than the stories in my head. It is just an activity that truly allows me to get out of my head and do something tangible.

And that’s it! Very simple and relaxing to start my day before I shower and head out for the day (of course please get ready before you end the morning routine). Having this routine down has really made me feel more in control of my days and therefore my life, keeping my anxiety in check.

Sorry! This product is not available for purchase at this time.

mental health

Calling Out My Anxiety

March 4, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

I started online therapy and being with a new therapist for me has been meaning cleaning up old wounds that may have been overlooked in sessions with my previous therapist. So I dug into an old journal post and put it out here so others can also know what I am going through and hopefully see that they are not alone. I jump around between present and past tense because some things are still currently affecting me when others affected me mostly in the past.

diary post

I always feel like I hide a piece of myself at all times. I never admit to the nagging feelings that are invading my head. I think most doctors think I’m better off than I actually am, or maybe they think I’m completely insane. I try incredibly hard on a daily basis to seem calm and collected and mentally stable though I know deep down I am not.

But I know I want to list out what I actually feel instead of trying to just hope that someone is going to look at me and see what is going on under the surface and “cure” me.

I have panic attacks being at a crowded Target or the mall or most crowded areas in general. I have avoided the mall for years and my mom and partner go shopping for me most of the time.

I used to make lists and lists of vague physical symptoms thinking that it would add up to something.

I used to spend every weekend indoors because I felt I was a bother to people so much that I didn’t want to take up space anywhere that wasn’t my own

I fear choking or vomiting so much that I don’t swallow my pills whole for no reason at all and I’ve never taken shots of alcohol. I swallow my food very slowly and never over eat which has been good for my weight.. just not my mental health.

I’m always worried about being wrong and doing wrong. Earlier today, I was being a little bad after a few drinks at happy hour and touched my girlfriend’s thermostat. She was angry as expected and I apologized and turned it back right away but when I got home I cried about it thinking about what a horrible person I am.

I constantly worry about me smelling bad in public. I will replay scenarios in my head and think could they smell my breath, how close was to them.. on top of my normal replaying of situations in my head.

I fear just speaking to people or being around people in general. I feel that my presence is never enough and that I’m weird and not good enough to even say a word. I look at other people and wish that I could just live life in front of others like they do

Some of this may be normal and some may be abnormal.. I’m not sure. I’m just trying to call it all out.

mental health

I’m Trying Online Counseling

February 19, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

There is not much to say in this blog post but I signed up for an online counseling service that has had good reviews. I wanted to try it out because I did not want therapy to be a part of my like that stressed me out such as getting there, taking time off work, etc. I know I am someone who thrives off of simplicity and having things be convenient for me. I also like that I can switch counselors at any time without too much heart ache which is what I am dealing with currently with in person therapy sessions.

That being said, this was not cheap. I had to pay upfront costs before I got to speak to any counselor. I pay 58 dollars/week but I am charged monthly…. That was something that held me back for the longest time. However, since starting yesterday I have found a therapist who I feel will fit my needs and their worksheets and questionnaires are actually very relevant and helpful to me to be reflective about not only my mental health but my social health and spiritual health which I think has gotten ignored in past during my in person sessions.

Overall, I feel positive about the online counseling so far. Now I have to make a smooth exit from my in person therapist because its just not feeling right for me right now. Something that I want to work on in hopefully online therapy.

Cheers beloveds, and have a great day.

mental health

2020

January 14, 2020 Demi Leave a comment

Wow…. I can see how well my mental health is based on the last time that I posted. I posted in September, when I thought I had a plan for my life and knew what the next few months had in store. Turns out I was completely wrong. I had to move suddenly when my roommate told me she needed to move back in with her parents, I got a girlfriend, dealt with the worst anxiety attack of my life, went on a PHD interview, and I am leaving my current job at the end of this week to start a new one. Life is crazy.

My mental health was in such turmoil during those couple of months. I stopped making lunch for myself and dancing around the apartment. I stopped putting make up on and having fun coming up with an outfit idea. That all being said, I feel stronger than ever now than destroyed like I did during my last major depression spell. I feel like in spite of what I was going through I was still moving towards my goals and making it a priority to take care of myself. And now, I have made the biggest step of all which is leaving my toxic and abusive workplace. I am very proud of what I’ve accomplished and feel like I have so much more to say about my journey of self acceptance, love, and discovery.

Now, I am pursuing some major goals by going to PhD interviews in New York for the fall. I am not sure what the future may bring but I am starting to accept myself for who I am now instead of forcing myself to be who other people want me to be. I introduced my girlfriend to my entire family during the holiday season and I am now out to the world as a queer woman. I don’t want to have to lie any more for the benefit of others. My goal for 2020 is to be unapologetically me.