Tag Archives: mental health

mental health

Sex Drive on Anti-Depressants

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Let’s be honest, I am still dealing with Depression. Depression with a capitol D. Makes my brain foggy some days and makes me feel not worthy of even being seen outside. I have been on anti-depressants for over 10 months now and I have mixed feelings. On one hand I feel they pulled me out of my suicidal thoughts. But on the other hand I feel like they expose a weak part of me. If anyone catches sight of my pills, I feel like Depression is written all over my face. Any comments, even jokingly, about me seeming anything less than mentally stable, gets me triggered. I go to therapy regularly, which is so fucking hard, and I constantly worry about who I will be off of the anti-depressants. It feels like a dirty little secret. All of that is hard enough, but changes in my sex drive makes it even more confusing.

I definitely want to state one thing and that is my sex drive did not go away completely. I always used to read about people having no sex drive on anti-depressants, etc. But I realized that was not the case for me. When I found out I could still have orgasms, I thought I was in the clear… Meanwhile, the reality of the situation was that it was harder for me to get off “on command” or when I am with a partner. I feel like orgasms and sex was something that came so natural to me (no pun intended). I did not have to think, the movements just happened and my body would respond. Now, however, I have two partners who I regularly sleep with and sometimes I am all for getting down and other times I just want to pleasure them. They know I struggle with depression and anxiety and that I take anti-depressants, but still I am looking at a disappointed face in the bedroom when they can’t get me off.

They ask if I am still attracted to them and they talk about how we should just try some more. I know we are all young and dumb but there are times where I just don’t even feel like trying to get off because I know it won’t happen. There are also different things that get me off more than others now. Like a lot of my sexual triggers got all jumbled up. Like how I enjoy talking in the bedroom more than I ever have. All of this made me realized the changes occurring from my anti-depressants made me feel different in not only in my daily life but in the bedroom as well.

Maybe this is old news to everyone, maybe I should change my prescription, or maybe this is who I will be while on my medication. Having orgasms are getting easier the longer I am on the same dose so that is hopeful. And all that my horniness has done for me in the past is get me in a lot of trouble since my sex drive caused me to only look at people with rose tinted lenses. Even though my partners feel slightly disappointed from time to time, I feel slightly empowered.

I feel empowered to make choices about who I love not about how hot they get my groin. I get to see how they actually treat me and love me. Without that emotional barrier, I feel I can see what is in front of me better and make choices for myself that are sustainable. I am someone who still loves passion and making love spontaneously, but I also know that orgasms aren’t all there is to a relationship. My orgasms are still here, I am confident in that but them being quieter has given me unexpected freedom.

mental health

I wear the mask

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“We wear the mask that grins and lies… With torn and bleeding hearts we smile.”

Paul Laurence Dunbar

This powerful quote is from the poem ” We wear the mask.” Reading this really made me look deeper into not only my mental health and the mental health themes that affect my black community. As I looked deeper into these issue, I read some valuable information about mental health as it pertains to a specific community. First I breezed through the normal signs and symptoms of depression like “feeling sad or ‘blue'”… Then I went through a scenario of a person who keeps getting up every morning feeling like they just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They forget to pack lunch the night before, they leave their coffee at home, they show up to a meeting late, and feeling all over the place. They then have a hard time calming down after the morning craziness but instead of going for an outdoor walk or taking a break to listen to music, etc., they lie their head on their desk in total exhaustion with their mind still racing with thoughts. They seem to have another series of unfortunate events that afternoon and the whole thing starts back up again the next day….

To be honest, this scenario felt like a normal day in my life growing up. Things were always extra chaotic and sometimes I felt like I could not catch a breath. Life has no breaths and it seemed like it was not supposed to have fun parts, like having to study or practice on the little free time I had outside of school to be “better” than everyone else. But this piece of literature was pointing out that this is a scenario where you should start to seek professional help before things get worse (or just talk to someone about what you are going through instead of closing yourself off). I could not believe that I always thought running around with your head cut off was the way life works. That I always had to be working and I could never take that time for myself. I underestimated how much of a person I am… What I was doing in the past wasn’t living, it was just survival.

This book also pointed out how differently people need to approach the black community about mental health problems due to the several layers encompassing this essential part of ourselves. Our mental health is something we have trained ourselves to hide and to add these layers on because we used to need it to survive. Now that all of these layers are on and have been for so long, it has become difficult to pull them back to let us breath and grow… because all these layers are doing now is holding us back.

None of this means we are weak but we are just misunderstood and we need more research on us. All of this made me think how I need to do everything in my power to stand up for my peers in the field of research. Tools are out there for us, we just have to make sure we are using the right ones. I think working on myself has revealed that my feelings have stems so deeper than I have ever imagined.

Though I am reading, learning, taking medication, and regularly seeing a therapist, I feel like I am stuck. I keep going through the same scenarios over again that were obviously traumatic throughout my life, and I’ve dissected them, and tried my best to re-write them. My self confidence is still continually improving but I still feel this need to always wear this mask when I don’t want to. I feel like a figurative mask is not all bad in daily life. I don’t want to curse out a random person in the grocery store, but it is not needed for times when I need to clearly communicate my feelings.

I don’t know why I always worry about someone else’s happiness over my own, but just a couple of days ago I about had it. Work has been its usual stressful but I had my management say and do things to me that I was not happy with at all. This went back all the way to my two week medical leave I took three months ago because of my depression and when I returned I was completely ignored by them. My seat was given away along (I was moved to a different floor) with my entire job duties and they claimed they were not trying to isolate me. I have been persistently asking management to meet with me to discuss but it had been pushed off for those months until HR got involved. The meeting happened the other day and I was told that I need to move past this problem.

Now, what does all that have to do with wearing a mask? I feel because I constantly wearing this happy face mask whenever I’m at work even if I am saying I disagree with something, I am being perceived as if everything is fine… even when shit was on fire. I always talk in therapy about how I am getting better at voicing to other people how I feel but I realized I also need to work on how I say it. And I also feel it is not wrong to express my feelings in a respectful manner without a smile on my face. My worst fears came true when my manager told me to move past the problem and to be honest I cried for a good 30 minutes after that meeting but I am still here and I am still alive. This invisible standard of “strength” I told myself to upkeep is doing nothing but tearing me down. Constantly wearing a smile on my face does not define who I am at my core. I am an emotional being and that is okay. We are all emotional beings and if I can have empathy for others why wouldn’t someone do the same for me?

This is going to be a long and tough thought to manage but I know it is possible.

mental health, Poems

Done staying silent

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I spent most of my life, holding all of my thoughts and feelings in. Thinking that I was what was wrong with the world. The psychic damage passed down through my grandparents and then my parents, left a gaping hole in my soul. They did not know how to help with mine because they had covered theirs up with a thin piece of cloth. They did not want to dive too deep into mine, as they were afraid of ripping open their old wounds. I looked around at all the paler faces around me. Their chests had no sign of emptiness. They were shielded from this pain, due to ignorance passed down from their grandparents and then their parents. Because ignorance is bliss right?

Because they had no hole in their chest like me, I wanted so badly to be like them. They seemed to admire me when I did so. My chest slowly began to get covered up by a thin cloth and for a while I felt okay. Then, I opened my eyes and recognized the invisible poison building up within me and around me. I panicked, moved too quickly, and ripped my cloth. Everything that was there before leaked back out again, except there was more. It consumed me. I was drowning.

I felt myself give up and sink to the bottom of the hole, heavy with my thoughts. I felt as if I would never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough… Why bother trying to swim to the top, I asked. I will never measure up to everyone’s standards. Swimming to the top was too hard and I am too heavy. I felt the weight of my words on my back, holding me down.

In those deep waters, I saw a blurry reflection from above the water. She looked like me. She looked like a goddess with her dark brown skin and thick black hair. She was reaching a hand out. She looked so beautiful and at peace even from so far away. I could feel myself wanting to be up there with her but realized my thoughts were still holding me back. I started tugging at my weights. I twisted and turned in the water, fighting with myself. I started screaming, “I like who I am! I am worthy! I belong to myself! I owe it to myself! I have no limits!” The weights broke off and I began to swim to the surface. In the back of my mind I thought about how easy it would be to just sink to the bottom again, but then I remembered how agonizing it was, and swam even faster.

As I breached the surface, I was met by the warm sun. I floated on top of the water and pondered to myself. How did I get to that point? That hole was too deep to be caused by just my own pain? Who else helped to dig that hole?

All of a sudden, I realize the hole I had once been sinking in, has closed up. I am lying in shallow water. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest. I rest my cheek on my wet thigh. I am grateful to have made it out. I never figured out where the woman I saw in the water went, but I knew I had to share what has happened so no one else would be stuck in that place again.

mental health

Living in a fantasy

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I am done wishing my life away or wishing to know the future of my life. I am done wishing I was white or had straight hair. I am done wishing I got perfect grades, went to X college, and did X-Y-Z after college. I am done wishing I did not have a toxic relationship with my parents. I am done wishing my mother wasn’t a narcissist or my dad was not an alcoholic. For the first time in a while, I realized how much I was living in a fantasy world in my head. A world where I was perfect and I made everyone around me happy. I have been entertaining these fantasies since high school. It makes me feel good as I got my hit of dopamine thinking about these perfect worlds. But this is not reality.

The reality is I am an imperfect person living in an imperfect world. None of that is my fault and I should not blame myself for not navigating it perfectly. I needed to forgive myself. I forgave myself. I make up excuses and I am very forgiving of other people, understanding that life is messy and these small mistakes are okay… But for me, if I do not have a perfect morning routine, I beat myself up for the rest of the day. Or if I wake up later than I am supposed to. There is no use in ruminating about it, I forgive myself, and I am not going to let it control me for the rest of the day.

The intense shame and guilt I feel when I am making these “mistakes” are just feelings brought on by my upbringing and personal experiences. It does not mean I am a terrible person or I will never get anything right… this was just how I was treated in similar situations growing up, but I can change that thought pattern. I can break the cycle.

I am allowing myself to sense my feelings without resistance. Feel what they are doing to my body. And start taking note. I am getting curious about how my body responds to my thoughts, and if it is something I want to continue doing. Because after all, it is my body and I have a choice on how I act in it. I know I can make the choices I want throughout the day and get to where I need to be if I listen to my body and listen to my thoughts.

I want to start relying on myself. This does not mean I am going to refuse help when I need it, but relying on myself to cultivate the life I want. I am not going to rely on someone to make me more fit, or smart, or happy. Other people might provide me with the tools but ultimately it is up to me to pick and choose what I want, and I will do so consciously and willingly.

I want to bring positive thoughts to the forefront of my brain to tell those negative ones to fuck off. I want to put myself and my loved ones first. Before objects, money, jobs, etc. Also, I don’t expect to live a perfect life free of problems, but I want to live life on my own terms with problems that I am grateful for.

I’ve been living in a fantasy for too long. It started as childhood dreams but now it is holding me back. I am grateful for my current life and wouldn’t want to change a thing.

mental health

Showing up for myself

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For most of my life I was taught to not feel my feelings, to not express my feelings, and to not act on my feelings… probably like most of us. It was seen ideal if I stayed a cool “neutral.” If I was too excited or happy I was told by my elders to calm down, and if I was feeling sad and expressed sad I was told to cry in private or just to not even start crying. These regrettable actions were not just my parent’s wrongdoings but everyone around them who also taught them this as they were growing up. What I do think is strange that I don’t think anyone on this planet has benefited from trying to suppress their feelings. So I really do not understand why it is seen as okay to choose or teach anyone to ignore something that makes us fundamentally human.

For me, my feelings, such as shame and my self-judgement, and my mostly destructive behaviors go hand in hand. Whether they were behaviors where it is obvious how I deliberately self sabotaged myself or if they are the little every day decisions that I do to try and block out my seemingly harmful thoughts, my thoughts and feelings always seemed to control my actions. Because of this self-taught behavior, I thought I had to push down my feelings to act like a normal person in society. It took me years to find out that my feelings were like a beach ball in a swimming pool.. and the harder I tried to push them down, the faster and stronger they come up.

So all of these thoughts started making their way up again because I am facing a long-term bad habit of mine, being late. Now, the reason I want to change this is because not only is it something that I do not like about myself, it is something that I despised in other people… making me hate myself even more if I was late. My mother and several others in my family have this problem of being severely late everyday, like 2 to 3 hours late. My mom has forgotten me places as a kid or has been hours late picking me up from school. It drove me insane. I always get to a point where I am better at being on time for things like work, school, and social events, but I always fall off the wagon.

This morning as I woke up at 8:30am when I told myself the night before (as I do several nights) that I am going to wake up at 6am to meditate, do yoga, go for a morning run, save the entire world and make it to work before 8….I finally realized that I can’t possible do all of these things I tell myself, it is just not reality. I am just over these methods I have been trying to get myself to get up and out the door earlier. Just yelling at myself to just wake up earlier and setting an alarm was not working. Even going to bed earlier was not giving me the motivation to get up and start moving. But this was what I was taught my entire life. I should just tell myself to do something and do it right? I should’ve known even simple things like waking up earlier would take a different approach.

Well firstly, I started to admit that shaming myself into doing something is not motivating. Screaming at myself to just wake up earlier is not going to make me feel happy to wake up the next morning. All of these choices I am making are for myself, so I should take it at a pace that seems comfortable to me and not beat myself up for not going from 0-100. I realized I needed to take smaller steps in the direction I wanted to go. I needed to start actually relying on myself. I needed to be ready to fail but to not give up or criticize myself. I needed to realize that my life is changed by small consistent efforts. I did not become a vegetarian overnight or a runner overnight. I need to remind myself that I am capable of so much and every small step in the right direction will move me forward to the life I want. I also need to see that my brain is lying to me by telling me this should be easy and I should just get over it when really everything in life is just hard. Waking up early and consistently showing up for myself and no one else is hard. Building up my self esteem is hard. Building up that trust in myself is also hard. Basically I realized building up the relationship I need and want for myself is a lot of work and I should not be ashamed of my struggle. I want to fully embrace the struggle.

So how on earth am I actually going to change this habit of mine. Well the first thing I am going to do is separate myself from the habit. Just because I show up late sometimes does not make me any less smart or less of value than any other person. Just because I showed up late to two events in a row does not mean I am going to never be able to be on time in my entire life. It is not going to make me the person that is always late forever. It will take a consistent habit rebuild the trust in other people I may have been late for in the past, but change is always doable. I have already gotten how my past has influenced my opinions about lateness, but they are just opinions. I don’t have to succumb to those harsh thoughts about myself and I know I have the ability to change.

I am going to try waking up at my preferred time, let’s say 6:30am. And just getting out of bed. Even if that is laying on the floor, I think that will be my next step. I don’t even want to think about how I should be doing a thousand things because I know that will make me just not want to crawl right into bed. That is going to be my first goal to get myself out of this habit long-term. I want to be intentional with my actions and not let them be controlled by deep, repressed feelings such as anger, shame, or guilt. This is a simple example but I am hoping by tackling this seemingly small challenge first, it will launch me into forming more habits I want in my life. Because I am worth it.

mental health

When the Ego Takes Over

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I spent this weekend hanging out with family and friends, as well as binge watching YouTube, pretty ordinary. However, during that time I spent relaxing I felt a sudden urge to dive deep into the Id, Ego, and Superego. Even though this is a concept I have encountered countless amount of times in school, I wanted to really research Freud’s theory and how it is interpreted by others. After seeing that freaking iceberg more times than I would have liked, it finally clicked with me…. I have a major problem with my ego.

I know this might sound obvious to others. Of course it seems I have a problem with my ego since I have anxiety, I’m afraid to voice my concerns to other people, etc. But it was not obvious to me. When I think about someone’s ego, I think about a fragile man ego. One who lashes out easily and is not composed (no offense…). But I believed myself to be the exact opposite of that. I soon realized that it didn’t matter, neither are healthy. I’ve learned as much about as much as an ego can be loud an boisterous, it can be fearful, ashamed, and self-defeating… just like my own.

The Id

I’s like to start by saying my knowledge on Freud’s theory is still very basic, but I will go through my interpretation regardless. In short, the id is the part of your personality present from birth. It is driven by the pleasure principle and by your immediate needs. This component is important because it was essential to your survival early on in life but becomes a problem in later in adulthood. As someone matures, they learn to control the unrealistic id with the superego and ego. However, if one is always listening to their id because of problems with the ego and superego, major issues can arise with your personality and relationships (and eventually quality of life).

The Superego

Learning more about the superego was very useful and intriguing to me because it was an aspect of myself that I thought was the strongest. I am someone who exercises daily, started a journey towards vegetarianism in middle school, and is always holding my tongue…. well as you can guess this is not all good, but let’s go into what the superego is. The superego is actually one of the last components to develop as it holds all of our internalized moral standards that we acquire from out culture and our parents. It tells you if a decision you are making or an experience is good or bad, regardless of the objective facts of the situation. This is very important because this means the superego is dependent on a person’s experiences….. I really let that sink in. I knew deep down that when I see another person doing something differently than I would do it, that they are not necessarily always wrong, but I never used that thought process on myself. When I feel shame or guilt about something I do that is not wrong in any way shape or form, it is my experiences making me feel this way. Which leads us to the ego.

My Ego

The ego is what is responsible for dealing with reality and it weighs the costs and benefits of an action to make sure both the id and superego are satisfied. I mentioned earlier that I feel like my ego is fearful, ashamed, and self-defeating… well knowing that the ego is in this constant balancing act between the id and superego, this aspect of myself is probably strained. And the reason why it feels so strained is because it is not strong enough. My ego has not been strengthened to withstand the constant pressure from the id and superego because it has been ignored by me. I have not dealt with my past afflictions head on and learned from my ego. My ego is also not something to be controlled. I need to feel my ego but know that it is not a defining right or wrong for me, I can objectively look at situations without the judgement from my strained ego. I have also fallen down the rabbit hole of learning about death to your ego and how the ego is just an illusion. And though I do not think I have to kill my ego to be free of it, I feel that recognizing that it doesn’t have to rule your life is a way to start the healing process. Developing a healthy and well coordinated ego is how you break out of the imaginary chains you are in. I feel that the ego needs to be healthy and functioning to make proper decisions and judgement calls but it should not rule you.

How I am strengthening my ego

Realizing nothing stays fixed or unchanged. Things are constantly moving and evolving whether we notice or not. My external environment made my ego and it is/was far from perfect. Forgiving myself for not knowing everything and coming to terms with my childhood is key. Knowing my decisions might not always be perfect but to just be aware of the seeds I am planting. I am not responsible for other people’s experiences. I am not responsible for making everyone around me happy and comfortable. If something unpleasant does occur, learning to accept the reality of the situation, voice any concerns, and grow in that discomfort. Be humble. Always put my long-term happiness first.

End ❤

mental health

The Art of Calming the F*** Down

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These past two weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As I continue going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist, I start seeing more of my inner demons rise to the surface of my consciousness. That combined with extreme stress at work pushed me into being an emotional wreck. So I truly dedicated these past two weeks to really getting to know myself and how to face these demons every day without giving into them.

Here are a few things I did to get myself out of a moderate depression spell…

Go Outside– Just getting outside even for a short period of time, even when I looked a hot mess and had my headscarf on, this really helped me in the long run. It sounds so simple but as my anxiety sets in I feel like I just sit inside and watch the world go by. I watch other people enjoy it from the inside out my apartment and feel I am not worthy of being apart of that bigger world. Once you step outside you are a part of it and I actually pushed myself to also walk to different places in my city. From that I was able to find some very serene parks and hidden city gems I wouldn’t have found otherwise. Another great thing going outside does is give you inspiration. I see someone reading by a fountain then I feel more motivated to read by the fountain. Or I see people running so I feel more of an urge to go running. Whatever sparks your interest can probably be found outside your apartment… trust me.

Exercise- Exercise was a top priority during this time period. Getting out of your headspace even for 30 mins and doing some type of repetitive movement significantly lowers my anxiety levels. I usually do not exercise daily but when I feel this down I make sure I set aside time for some type of movement, whether it be yoga or running, on a daily basis. For yoga I usually do it on my own in the morning combined with mediation. Or I go to a group yoga class for 1 hour. If I am running I will try to run outside around some nice scenery for around 100 minutes. This is not something I can do all the time but with proper pre- and post- workout care I like to keep up with this routine for a short period.

Creative Outlets- I have been playing my ukulele more and writing on this blog. This can be anything under the sun you want to do and you don’t even have to be good at it or work towards any reward. Do what makes you feel good.

Journaling– Journaling is probably the hardest thing to get back into when I am feeling this way. When I really started to get back into it two weeks ago, my brain was all over the place and it showed in my writing. I first just started to word vomit all of my feelings over some pages. I am showing one before and after example below just as a reference (and this was not even the worse of it… the ones from before are too angry to be put out into the world)

  • End of week 1 journal entry
  • Middle of week 2 journal entry

Then as time went on I started to develop a routine that helped me get my thoughts straight, and so did my journaling habits. I started out with expressing gratitude. Every morning I would write out at least 3 things I am grateful for. And then if I wanted to write more about my goals and intentions for the day I would, but starting with writing the cheesy things I was grateful for really helped with my overall mood and perspective for the day… which leads me to the last thing that helped me get out of my funk

Morning/Evening Routines- Everyone (at least in my world) has explained to me the importance of some sort of routine. For the longest time I thought I could never get behind it because I felt as if life is so unpredictable, it’s boring to have routines, it means I’m getting old… all of the phrases of denial. But the truth is that as a human being, your brain thrives on having these routines. I am saying this as a researcher who had studied science for 6+ years but suffered because I still did not let it seep in that we are not invincible. Having a routine to follow so my brain knows where to start and end every day really is helping me live a better life as well as stay more organized. I still have a long way to go but I was able to start by just googling morning and evening routines. I went through a bunch on YouTube (don’t get trapped for hours like I did) and looked for different aspects in other people’s routines that spoke to me. It is going to take a lot of trial and error and adjusting for certain out of the norm events such as travel but I challenge you to also set out to find something that works for you.

You are worth the investment.

❤

Uncategorized

To be, or not to be

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April has been a transformative month… I think I have reached some of my lowest and most at peace points in my life within a 30 day period and I am starting to see the point of all that torture. Firstly, I want to begin with saying my mental health has been a hell of a lot better these days. I have been on my medication for a longer period of time, I took my exam, I left the country… I am doing okay. My medication dose was increased halfway through the month, which I cried about, but it was definitely for the better. I am also not a numb zombie, what my biggest fear was and what comes up first when you deep dive into blogs about taking anti-depressants…. Actually listening to my doctor was a necessity.

However, I do want to point out I think the relationship I have with my doctor and therapist is what makes this all work. It has taken a while to find someone who sees me and my problems and just doesn’t try to write it off in a prescription. This sounds awful but I am normally the person to not listen to my doctor… even though I study medicine, after my childhood doctor passed away and a couple of negative experiences with doctors afterwards…. it takes a lot for me to take a new medication (besides getting my shots, including my flu shot I take every year.. please get yo shots) if it does not feel absolutely needed. If I was dying of syphilis of course I’ll take the medication but having a doctor tell me oh just take an anxiolytic to help with your heart palpitations… I think I’ll have to get a second opinion first before I keel over (yes this is real scenario, I have a heart murmur so I was concerned to say the least).

What I am saying is sometimes doctors don’t see the whole patient and when you lose a long term provider like I did, it is extremely hard for a new doctor to be sure of the right treatment plan before getting to know you. But everything is normally very fast paced and there is pressure to cure everything fast so no one takes their time. There is also definite underlying bias I have felt from providers being I am a queer African American woman. After enduring a whole lot of sh*t, I finally found a female provider who really listens to everything I say and I have been feeling more confident in my understanding of my mental issues, including how to battle them.

It has taken me years to get to a point of almost peace. I am still grinding my teeth at night but every day for the past two weeks I have been looking around and thinking everything is going to be okay. It feels as if something has clicked recently.

I’ve long heard that teachers never know exactly how children learn how to read. They teach about letters and sentence structure and then they practice, practice, practice with the kids. Then all of a sudden it all just clicks. It isn’t perfect reading but it flows together. That is something that often comes to mind when I think about this part of my life. I am now beginning to really accept my whole self. I am beginning to understand that I don’t have to fit in a box or fit a label, and I don’t have to be perfect at everything I do. That thought process actually hinders me in life. I just want to be.


Uncategorized

Rumination

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I hate the fact that I ruminate an uncomfortable amount almost every single day. I go to therapy sessions weekly, I am sticking to a medication (whether or not you agree with the use of medications). I like to think I am improving ,but even on days where everything seems to be going perfectly, all I can think of is what can go wrong.

Today was a good day. I have a trip coming up where I will be going back to Iceland for 3 days and then to France for a week. I’ve always wanted to go to France and I am promising myself to put these wants first this year. So I am just going to go, alone again as usual. I am terrified to tell my parents I am leaving again, I feel like I am turning into a rebel child. I also might give in to my urges I have had for years to get a piercing (and a tattoo because why not). And so far things have been falling into place for me to make these things happen but I just… worry.

I worry about losing something important, I worry about what others might think of me, I worry about what my future self would think of this, and I worry about letting people down. One thing that I am realizing is that none of those worries should matter, it should just matter what I think and how I feel. I am excited for all the changes that are happening in my life but I am also terrified of upsetting someone or ruining something and seeing it all be torn down. A reason I think I live in fear.

I worry about not being enough. I worry about being too boring or too quiet or too dumb. I worry that even though I had a positive first interaction with someone the other day, the second interaction will probably be crap.

I do not know why I feel this way even though I know it is not rational. It is hard to do anything with these thoughts on your mind, I could stare into blank space for hours. I am getting better though, with mediation, yoga, exercise, chosen family, my lovely cat, and my doctors. Everyday I try and make little improvements to let these thoughts pass me by. Lately I’ve been stuck in a rut due to pressure at school and work and from my parents. And on top of that I am struggling with being proud of my identity and true self in any setting.

For now I just want to accept and reflect on who I am so I get to a place where I don’t need to approval of others to live my life.