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Bad day not a bad life

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I have been having a lot of bad days lately and even on my good days I am anxious about life turning upside down. Today I woke up feeling physically sick and also sick of the place I am living in. I got up to go into work, late as usual but ended up getting a lot of work done. I feel unsure about an exam I have coming up next week, completely regretting everything about it. I have been in and out of depressive periods throughout my entire study period and I have no focus. I also found out today that WOW airlines just decided to completely quit. I had a trip for next Saturday planned through them.

I quickly scrambled to get new tickets for the same time period as I went through so much to get time off and to plan some festivities. I am going to Iceland and then to France hoping my second solo trip would go a lot smoother than the first. I was able to get tickets but goodness they were expensive. And I am moving in May…. I am fortunate to even be able to afford new tickets but now I do not have much room for error for these next couple of months.

Despite all of this chaos, I am excited to move in with one of my best friends, I am excited for my trip, I am excited to graduate from my graduate program this upcoming May, and I am excited that even though I might fail, I will be taking my MCAT next week. I am so grateful for all of these things in my life right now. Maybe it is the anti-depressants keeping me from having a mental breakdown but I am doing okay despite all the stressors in my life. Barely floating, but there.

Just a reminder that even when everything seems to be turning upside down, you can look forward to the things in life you are grateful for and what brings you joy. It is keeping me calm and hopeful throughout the chaos.


travel

Iceland Part 1

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I am putting a part 1 because I know Iceland is going to have several layers to it over my lifetime in general. But let’s start with day 1 of my most recent visit.

I decided to head to Iceland by myself even though I am extremely anxious all of the time as well as socially anxious in January. I thought I was going to spend a peaceful 4 days in this cold place mostly enjoying my own company. I had a lot of bumps in the road getting there. People were worried about me, as they should. I brought an expired passport by accident. I forgot a towel. Basically most unprepared person ever and I was shaking the entire time due to my anxiety but I was excited. Though I was anxious leading up to the trip and sweating profusely through the KEF airport, I felt so much freedom when I was finally able to step outside into the fresh air.

This was not the first time I had traveled abroad but I was completely alone. I felt free and independent. I was in awe of the beauty of Iceland and just shocked that I made it this far. Nor did I feel the usual weight of my depression weighing on my shoulders. I was high on life starting from that moment. So I got my rental car and headed down to Reykjavik to the hostel and secured a prime bed by the window, facing away from everyone else. And I was ready to explore.

I ended up going hiking, horseback riding, walking around the city, tasting beer, all by myself while making a few nice acquaintances on the way. On the second to last day before my departure, I had some extra time and felt like heading out to the local pool where I had some amazing conversations with people. I was then at a bar when I saw a girl I just wanted to meet up and chat with from tinder was out again and decided to meet her. I ended up feeling so enamored by her. I’ve dated girls in the past and guys as well but I was not expecting to have such a good time and feel so connected with her. I ended up at her apartment that night and woke up with her beside me the next morning.

Fast forward to me stumbling out of her apartment, sprinting out of my hostel late, losing my rental car and barely making my flight in time. After all of that on the long flight home I basically spent it listening to the Wicked soundtrack and trying not to cry as I could still feel her hands and lips on my body.

Iceland truly awakened me and I am so grateful for every person I met while I was there.