Tag Archives: queer

PhD

How on Earth did I get into a PhD program

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Really though, someone please tell me how I did it.. especially at my dream school….

For the past few years I have been saying I would apply and then it came time to actually apply and interview…. then overnight it seems I became a future PhD candidate. But the thing was it wasn’t overnight.

Though I see myself as a slightly average PhD applicant, I showed my dedication to research over the years. I’ve had some substantial experiences that have stuck with me and I am passionate about specific areas of research.

I want to briefly note how I think I got in with my less than perfect grades and GRE scores (though that exam may be a thing of the past anyways). This will probably change as I actually start my program but this is how I think I got into Columbia Univ’s program:

Quality over Quantity

I had a few unique laboratory experiences that seemed all over the place but they were experiences that I learned a great amount of information and put a great amount of work into. I was also able to talk passionately about them during my interview. Surprisingly, the interviewers were more interested in my lab work in a plant diagnostic laboratory than one of my higher profile cancer laboratories

Be Unique

This leads me to my next point was that I was unique. I was non traditional and had a unique set of skills to bring to the table. I was artistic, active in sports, and causes that I care about. I didn’t trap myself in lab all day, I went out and lived my life and had a good work life balance.

I am (or at least try to be) a good scientific writer

I had a lot of writing experiences from writing protocols to assisting with writing grants with my PIs. I had a lot of writing under my belt and still keep up with it to this day. Also proofread the fuck out of your personal statement.

I can talk science

I had a lot of practice during my Masters program with presentations and talking about scientific papers and research which the interviews seemed to really like. Talk with confidence and talk like you know what you’re talking about. Just try it out and even if you are wrong it will be okay, it is way better than not trying at all.

I own my whole identity

This is something that has just helped with my confidence in general. I walked into my interview with my two nose piercings, queer af, and being my apologetically black self. This showed them that I owned every part of myself and was confident as a person already. Maybe they liked it, maybe they didn’t but confidence always gets you where you need to go.

mental health

Journey to loving myself

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For most of my life, I truly did not understand the concept of loving yourself. People always say you have to love yourself before you love anyone else and I didn’t know what they meant. I grew up in a household that rarely said “I love you”, so it can be expected that a young Deme did not understand the concept of love.

Since hearing all of this stuff about loving yourself first, I’ve been on this journey to try and figure out what that meant. And this morning, I was able to write “I love myself” in my journal and truly feel a little love for myself… 24 years later.

I started this journey by starting to prioritize myself and my needs… even above my family’s. I understand that this is a privilege as no one in my family was severely ill nor was I in need of their assistance that much at the time, but I had to distance myself from them to start finding out who I truly was. More walks and runs alone. More doing what I wanted alone. I stopped waiting for groups of friends to tell me what I should like and should be doing. I transferred colleges to a non faith based one to stop feeding this thought that I need to seem like a “good girl”… whatever that means. And I decided to be single for a while…. whether that was a choice or not is still up in the air but I wanted to be single.

“I had to distance myself from them to start finding out who I truly was.”

I got the cat I’ve always wanted. I started doing more yoga, going to graduate school, solo traveling, and doing all of the things other people in my life did not understand or want me to do… because no one knows me but me.

I stopped being so angry all the time and stopped having temper outbursts… okay tantrums, on other people. I became calmer and happier overall.

But in this process of understanding self, came my depression and anxiety. Just being more aware of myself and my choices made my head spin and my body tense. I’ve always dealt with this anxiety but it was so much worse. I stopped caring for myself again.

Then I made the active choice to go see a doctor, and then another, and then another until I found one that I felt understood me. I found a therapy schedule and therapist that worked for me. The dark clouds started to disappear and the knots in my neck started to loosen.

I started looking at the people in my life differently. The way they spoke to me, how they treated me. I started to realize who actually deserved to be in my life and who did not. Then, I met my current girlfriend. And saw how much she cared for me and understood this is what I deserve.

I love myself and I am able to truly see her and love her.

mental health, Poems

True Self Love

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For the longest time, I didn’t love myself. My thoughts were echoes of all the negative self talk that had been said to me over the years. My body held the generational trauma felt by my ancestors, and my environment was polluted with anti-black girl posters and media.

Then one day, I stepped out of that loop of thought and denial. You would think the awakening would have been freeing but it almost broke me. I dropped down into a depression, my anxiety worsened. Seeing everything for what it was in the light, made the world a much scarier place.

It took years of facing these demons to feel like myself again. But now the real work begins… loving myself for who I am.

Loving myself for who I am without having to downplay my talents. Loving myself in spite of how I was and am treated by others. Loving myself despite of what society tells me I should love. Loving myself even though I am not in love with a man. Loving myself for everything that I am and could be and will not be.

Growing up I felt wrong. Like constantly dropping food wrong or feeling like “God” left me unfinished. Feeling like there was nothing interesting about being a little black girl when I was everything.

Now, I am determined to change my mindset on my path of self love and self discovery. For me and most other black girls queer and straight alike, our paths to self love is anything but a smooth one.

But it’s possible.

mental health

Calling Out My Anxiety

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I started online therapy and being with a new therapist for me has been meaning cleaning up old wounds that may have been overlooked in sessions with my previous therapist. So I dug into an old journal post and put it out here so others can also know what I am going through and hopefully see that they are not alone. I jump around between present and past tense because some things are still currently affecting me when others affected me mostly in the past.

diary post

I always feel like I hide a piece of myself at all times. I never admit to the nagging feelings that are invading my head. I think most doctors think I’m better off than I actually am, or maybe they think I’m completely insane. I try incredibly hard on a daily basis to seem calm and collected and mentally stable though I know deep down I am not.

But I know I want to list out what I actually feel instead of trying to just hope that someone is going to look at me and see what is going on under the surface and “cure” me.

I have panic attacks being at a crowded Target or the mall or most crowded areas in general. I have avoided the mall for years and my mom and partner go shopping for me most of the time.

I used to make lists and lists of vague physical symptoms thinking that it would add up to something.

I used to spend every weekend indoors because I felt I was a bother to people so much that I didn’t want to take up space anywhere that wasn’t my own

I fear choking or vomiting so much that I don’t swallow my pills whole for no reason at all and I’ve never taken shots of alcohol. I swallow my food very slowly and never over eat which has been good for my weight.. just not my mental health.

I’m always worried about being wrong and doing wrong. Earlier today, I was being a little bad after a few drinks at happy hour and touched my girlfriend’s thermostat. She was angry as expected and I apologized and turned it back right away but when I got home I cried about it thinking about what a horrible person I am.

I constantly worry about me smelling bad in public. I will replay scenarios in my head and think could they smell my breath, how close was to them.. on top of my normal replaying of situations in my head.

I fear just speaking to people or being around people in general. I feel that my presence is never enough and that I’m weird and not good enough to even say a word. I look at other people and wish that I could just live life in front of others like they do

Some of this may be normal and some may be abnormal.. I’m not sure. I’m just trying to call it all out.

travel

Where to go if you’re gay [and lonely] in Iceland

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So during my solo trip in Iceland last year I was very single and ready to mingle. So I hit the bar scene and made some very nice queer friends including a girl I had a little fling with. All was fun and games but I wanted to share some tips about where to go in Reykjavik to mingle as a queer person.

Hlemmur Square

Hlemmur square is actually described as an “upscale hotel and restaurant” but if you sit at the bar, you can look around and find several other queer people including the bartenders. Many young and older people frequent there and have a great time. The chef is also very nice and loves to give hugs 🙂 Pro tip, don’t hit on a bartender though… most are taken.

KiKi

KiKi is a late night bar most definitely. I would go there after eating at Hlemmur Square and after having a couple of drinks at the next bar I will mention. They have great music and dancing (and cheaper drinks too!). Be ready to stumble home at 4am back to your hostel after going here.

Gaukurinn

This was by far my favorite bar as everyone was so friendly and this is where I really got to bond with my peers in Iceland. I got free drinks from the bartender because I was traveling by myself and it was just such a great place to catch a few drinks and hit up a conversation.

And that’s it! I went to other bars and music spots but not any I can recommend right now. I can post some other recommendations like best places to catch a quick bite or go for a dip in another post.

Have a great day beloveds ❤

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Poems

The Long Way To Work

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Today I took the long way to work

Walked through the garden, looked at the Koi fish dancing in the pond

Looked down at my phone, and saw I got a text from her

The one who I was caught sleeping with on the floor of my living room by my roommate…

Yea that girl

In the back of my mind

I was anxious to even open the text,

but I still couldn’t help but smile typing back

“I miss you too.” I said

My mind wandered back to last weekend at the farmers market

The wind was making her scarf ripple like water

Her hazel eyes were twinkling in the morning light

We walked around, our hands sweaty, afraid of anyone who looked our way

Stealing kisses behind a shady tent

I remember the usual doors I keep closed within my mind began to open during that walk

I felt safe, I felt understood

I trip back into reality

And now the scary thoughts creep in

‘How can you make this work’

‘How are you going to deal with being in a gay relationship’

‘Your life would be easier without this complication’

I take a deep breath

These words are not true

These words are not true

I look down at my phone again,

She wants to go to the river this weekend

I type yes quickly

Put my phone in my back pocket

And continue deep breathing

‘I am staying true to myself’

‘And I will be happy because of it’.

mental health

BiVisibility Day

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It’s been a year since I’ve finally accepted and explored my sexuality. I don’t know why I’ve always felt I had to deny one part of myself to fit into a community and feel like I belong on this world. Why did I feel I had to be 100% of anything to be worthy of love. Why do I have to hide in the darkness when there is so much room and warmth in the light.

During this past year, I’ve realized more and more how love and my relationships with others are the most important thing in my life. Opening this part of my life up has showed me to not only feel more open to love with a partner but my other relationships have been more open as well.

I can’t ignore the fact that it is hard. I’ve opened myself up to love but at the same time I’ve felt open up to hate. However, no matter how much hate I get, nothing could get me to go back in the closet. I feel free, I feel supported, and I feel loved by myself and capable to love.

I am here and I am queer. Happy BiVisibility Day.

travel

River Date

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The yellow glow of sun

on my skin

Taste of coffee

on my lips

The booms of laughter

in the air

You pull your scarf off as we venture out of the city

I can see you so clearly

I watch you as you speak so passionately

Completely captivated by you

We get lost, turn around

Laughter again fills the air between us

We pull up to the trail and set out

On our tiny adventure

Smelling the barbecues, hearing the voices of children, seeing the colorful hammocks

We both feel at home

We see the water

Off come our clothes

Her eyes gazing into mine

We float in the water

Gazing up at the sky

Picking rocks, holding hands

Hours may have gone by

But we still sit here

Gazing into each other’s eyes

Uncategorized

To be, or not to be

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April has been a transformative month… I think I have reached some of my lowest and most at peace points in my life within a 30 day period and I am starting to see the point of all that torture. Firstly, I want to begin with saying my mental health has been a hell of a lot better these days. I have been on my medication for a longer period of time, I took my exam, I left the country… I am doing okay. My medication dose was increased halfway through the month, which I cried about, but it was definitely for the better. I am also not a numb zombie, what my biggest fear was and what comes up first when you deep dive into blogs about taking anti-depressants…. Actually listening to my doctor was a necessity.

However, I do want to point out I think the relationship I have with my doctor and therapist is what makes this all work. It has taken a while to find someone who sees me and my problems and just doesn’t try to write it off in a prescription. This sounds awful but I am normally the person to not listen to my doctor… even though I study medicine, after my childhood doctor passed away and a couple of negative experiences with doctors afterwards…. it takes a lot for me to take a new medication (besides getting my shots, including my flu shot I take every year.. please get yo shots) if it does not feel absolutely needed. If I was dying of syphilis of course I’ll take the medication but having a doctor tell me oh just take an anxiolytic to help with your heart palpitations… I think I’ll have to get a second opinion first before I keel over (yes this is real scenario, I have a heart murmur so I was concerned to say the least).

What I am saying is sometimes doctors don’t see the whole patient and when you lose a long term provider like I did, it is extremely hard for a new doctor to be sure of the right treatment plan before getting to know you. But everything is normally very fast paced and there is pressure to cure everything fast so no one takes their time. There is also definite underlying bias I have felt from providers being I am a queer African American woman. After enduring a whole lot of sh*t, I finally found a female provider who really listens to everything I say and I have been feeling more confident in my understanding of my mental issues, including how to battle them.

It has taken me years to get to a point of almost peace. I am still grinding my teeth at night but every day for the past two weeks I have been looking around and thinking everything is going to be okay. It feels as if something has clicked recently.

I’ve long heard that teachers never know exactly how children learn how to read. They teach about letters and sentence structure and then they practice, practice, practice with the kids. Then all of a sudden it all just clicks. It isn’t perfect reading but it flows together. That is something that often comes to mind when I think about this part of my life. I am now beginning to really accept my whole self. I am beginning to understand that I don’t have to fit in a box or fit a label, and I don’t have to be perfect at everything I do. That thought process actually hinders me in life. I just want to be.


travel

Iceland Part 1

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I am putting a part 1 because I know Iceland is going to have several layers to it over my lifetime in general. But let’s start with day 1 of my most recent visit.

I decided to head to Iceland by myself even though I am extremely anxious all of the time as well as socially anxious in January. I thought I was going to spend a peaceful 4 days in this cold place mostly enjoying my own company. I had a lot of bumps in the road getting there. People were worried about me, as they should. I brought an expired passport by accident. I forgot a towel. Basically most unprepared person ever and I was shaking the entire time due to my anxiety but I was excited. Though I was anxious leading up to the trip and sweating profusely through the KEF airport, I felt so much freedom when I was finally able to step outside into the fresh air.

This was not the first time I had traveled abroad but I was completely alone. I felt free and independent. I was in awe of the beauty of Iceland and just shocked that I made it this far. Nor did I feel the usual weight of my depression weighing on my shoulders. I was high on life starting from that moment. So I got my rental car and headed down to Reykjavik to the hostel and secured a prime bed by the window, facing away from everyone else. And I was ready to explore.

I ended up going hiking, horseback riding, walking around the city, tasting beer, all by myself while making a few nice acquaintances on the way. On the second to last day before my departure, I had some extra time and felt like heading out to the local pool where I had some amazing conversations with people. I was then at a bar when I saw a girl I just wanted to meet up and chat with from tinder was out again and decided to meet her. I ended up feeling so enamored by her. I’ve dated girls in the past and guys as well but I was not expecting to have such a good time and feel so connected with her. I ended up at her apartment that night and woke up with her beside me the next morning.

Fast forward to me stumbling out of her apartment, sprinting out of my hostel late, losing my rental car and barely making my flight in time. After all of that on the long flight home I basically spent it listening to the Wicked soundtrack and trying not to cry as I could still feel her hands and lips on my body.

Iceland truly awakened me and I am so grateful for every person I met while I was there.