Tag Archives: self

mental health

Lying

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I have been lying since the 5th grade. I plagiarized on a big project and got so embarrassed, I promised to never do that again. And for the most part I kept that promise to myself. Since then, I have been searching for my “truth” and decided from then on to always present that side of me to others. But as I grew up I realized the world was more complicated than it seemed and have been struggling with balancing the truth and lies ever since.

I thought it would be easy, to be truthful 100% of the time, and I’ll never run into an issue as I had in 5th grade. But little did I know I had to learn how to frame my words the right way to not come off as too truthful or seem too transparent. It has made me a target multiple times in my life and has gotten me into avoidable arguments.

Then it got to a point where I was so frustrated at being set back because I was honest, that I kind of gave up for a little bit. I lied about everything! What I had for breakfast that morning, what I did during my weekend, you name it. I just could not stop myself from making this life that was not mine. Then I felt the anxiety creep back up again.

I was messing up my stories and was not keeping track of my lies. I learned real fast I needed a clean slate once again, as this was not the solution to my problem. I still get anxiety even when I am telling the truth that others will think I am lying..

Now, I am stating my boundaries clearly. This means actually saying I am not interested in going to a party instead of a “maybe” or saying I don’t want to work weekends upfront instead of leaving the option open.

And I’ve learned to be honest but not too honest… but something still rubs me the wrong way. I am starting to get to vague and quiet to avoid a confrontation where I might have to be honest and hurt someone’s feelings. Kind of like how I am being vague in this blog post though something specific is on my mind.

While out on a much needed walk today, I realized nothing has stopped other people from being too honest with me and hurting my feelings… I don’t want to be like them but how do I voice my inner thoughts clearly and in a way that they understand the thoughts feelings I am dealing with in my head?

That is something I am still working on. As of now the “honest but not too honest” situation has me feeling uneasy. I feel that I am not as open as a person as I used to be, though that may be a good thing.

Maybe I just need to sit with that feeling longer and get used to it or maybe there is something I can change….

mental health

My Morning Routine With Generalized Anxiety

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Dealing with anxiety means I can’t just jump out of bed, throw on some clothes and run out the door. I’ve quickly realized if my mornings are not peaceful and low key, then I am setting myself up for an anxiety attack on my way to work.

So here are the simple things I do to stay grounded and get ready for any busy day:

Drink Water

I drink water as soon as I can when I wake up. I take my medication in the morning so I have to drink water but I keep my water bottle right by my bed so I can wake up and take some gulps of the good stuff.

Take A Deep Breath

Research shows that our bodies are actually low on oxygen in the morning. Obviously more than one deep breath might be needed but the simple reminder to breathe deep before you step off your bed and into the world can do wonders.

Stretch/Yoga

I do a quick 10 to 30 minute yoga session in the morning before I move onto anything else. It is a moment to thank my body and be grateful for it. It also allows me to stay grounded for the day and is used to mainly clear my mind as I stretch out my body that spent 8 hours or more lying down.

Make Breakfast and Coffee/Tea

This has been a new thing for me because I used to swear I was never hungry in the morning. I always thought I did not need breakfast, just coffee or tea (also pro-tip drink that de-caf instead!). However, since listening more to my body and getting on my anxiolytic medication, I started to realize I do need breakfast to get me through the day. It provides me with the energy I need to be able to get my morning tasks done without extreme exhaustion and has made the morning time more enjoyable. I usually enjoy toast, bread, and fruit with the occasional avocado.

Reading or Journaling

Usually this activity happens during my breakfast while I am listening to some soft, chill music. This allows me to think about what I want to get out of the day or I can choose to get wrapped up in a story other than the stories in my head. It is just an activity that truly allows me to get out of my head and do something tangible.

And that’s it! Very simple and relaxing to start my day before I shower and head out for the day (of course please get ready before you end the morning routine). Having this routine down has really made me feel more in control of my days and therefore my life, keeping my anxiety in check.

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mental health

Calling Out My Anxiety

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I started online therapy and being with a new therapist for me has been meaning cleaning up old wounds that may have been overlooked in sessions with my previous therapist. So I dug into an old journal post and put it out here so others can also know what I am going through and hopefully see that they are not alone. I jump around between present and past tense because some things are still currently affecting me when others affected me mostly in the past.

diary post

I always feel like I hide a piece of myself at all times. I never admit to the nagging feelings that are invading my head. I think most doctors think I’m better off than I actually am, or maybe they think I’m completely insane. I try incredibly hard on a daily basis to seem calm and collected and mentally stable though I know deep down I am not.

But I know I want to list out what I actually feel instead of trying to just hope that someone is going to look at me and see what is going on under the surface and “cure” me.

I have panic attacks being at a crowded Target or the mall or most crowded areas in general. I have avoided the mall for years and my mom and partner go shopping for me most of the time.

I used to make lists and lists of vague physical symptoms thinking that it would add up to something.

I used to spend every weekend indoors because I felt I was a bother to people so much that I didn’t want to take up space anywhere that wasn’t my own

I fear choking or vomiting so much that I don’t swallow my pills whole for no reason at all and I’ve never taken shots of alcohol. I swallow my food very slowly and never over eat which has been good for my weight.. just not my mental health.

I’m always worried about being wrong and doing wrong. Earlier today, I was being a little bad after a few drinks at happy hour and touched my girlfriend’s thermostat. She was angry as expected and I apologized and turned it back right away but when I got home I cried about it thinking about what a horrible person I am.

I constantly worry about me smelling bad in public. I will replay scenarios in my head and think could they smell my breath, how close was to them.. on top of my normal replaying of situations in my head.

I fear just speaking to people or being around people in general. I feel that my presence is never enough and that I’m weird and not good enough to even say a word. I look at other people and wish that I could just live life in front of others like they do

Some of this may be normal and some may be abnormal.. I’m not sure. I’m just trying to call it all out.

mental health

What does spending time alone actually do?

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Last year, I went on 2 solo travel trips to Iceland and France in an effort to be “alone with my thoughts.” At the time I didn’t know why I wanted to go on a solo trip even though at the time I had crippling anxiety but I wanted to give it a shot. I knew the physical benefits but I wanted to know what the benefits were from a mental and philosophical perspective.

I’ve always heard that people who spend more time alone are happier. I pondered it and thought well maybe they have clearer intentions and a better idea of who they are at their core because they listen to themselves.

Then, when I finished my yoga teacher training a few weeks ago I realized most of these thoughts I pondered long ago were true. While reading the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali in training, I learned about the quieting of the “mind-stuff,” aka your thoughts, allows for you to be more in touch with your true self. Like an ocean that has calmed after a storm and you can finally see the ocean floor (yourself). What comes up in my daily life is what I can see on the surface of this ocean. This is also the reasoning behind meditation. Patanjali says:

“Then the Seer (Self) abides in Its own nature”

“At other times [the Self appears to] assume the forms of the mental modifications”

I took all of this as meaning my true self lies within myself. I don’t need to look towards the outside for anything because the Seer or my true self is inside my own mind. The Seer also acts as a mirror and therefore can take the forms of my Ego or mental modifications. Therefore, if they are negative then my true self will be muted under the reflection of all of those negative thoughts.

I am interested in seeing the reflection in the mirror. Knowing myself and understanding myself. Spending time alone, journaling, and meditation has helped me be more intentional with my thoughts, quieting the ocean within my mind.

I am no where near any level of enlightenment as Patanjali, but this understanding makes me a better person in my daily life so I work towards being my best self every day.

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Poems

Rumi Quotes

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1. Close your eyes, Fall in love, Stay there.

2. If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?

3. All day I think about it, then at night I say it.. Where do I come from, what am I supposed to be doing?.. I have no idea. My souls is from elsewhere, I am sure of that, and I intend to end up there.

4. If people misunderstood you, do not worry. It is your voice they hear, but what goes through their mind is.. their own thoughts

5. Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.

In my feels.

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mental health

Ready to fail?

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I am constantly fighting a lot of mental obstacles while trying to get anything out on paper (or on a screen in this case). I am very judgemental about what is written, even if it is just for me. I like my thoughts safe and tucked away in my mind, who would’ve guessed. Well, turns out if my thoughts end up on paper it would make them real, and scary. This is because being honest and real on paper truly reveals all of my insecurities and lays them out in front of me.. my biggest one being my intelligence. I’ve held onto trying to seem smart ever since I felt doubted for my intelligence in 5th grade after transferring schools.

I came from a private school and felt so clueless about how to navigate a public school setting. I felt I lost not only my common sense but my book smarts, as I studied slightly different things than my peers. I did not know what they were calling out in class and I felt it hard to follow along with everyone else. Though I was just a child, I remember being suddenly so aware about how I present myself. I was self conscious. I felt constantly belittled by my teachers and peers, a feeling that is hard to forget. Fast forward to now and I’ve almost killed myself defending what I felt like was my “intelligence” by fighting for every little thing in my academic/ professional life, even things that are out of my control.

Though I may be sounding too vague, I still hope someone knows what I am talking about. Anyways, the roots of the thoughts going through my mind lately is how difficult it is to write out the things that are going on in my life that don’t involve actions or explicit words. I am constantly figuring out a way to understand and bring words to the pauses between sentences occurring not only within myself but between other people. That communication is an aspect in all human beings that we do almost reflexively. I have realized how these reflexive tendencies manifest and show themselves communicate not only our own humanness but it also reflects how society shapes the mind. Maybe I am weird for staring at people in conversation and noticing these patterns among people. But, I can’t not notice it and honestly I need to write about it before I explode as it makes me fucking uncomfortable most of the time (in different ways).

Don’t you just get that feeling sometimes where you just want to scream about the “elephant in the room” during a conversation. A conversation where everything is supposed to be subtle but you just want to address the obvious. What are the situations that it is appropriate to let these nonverbal cues go, leave them as nonverbal, or address them? Does the communication that lies between sentences have to govern that much of our daily interactions? I would personally like to address them head on all the time but I also understand not everyone rolls like that.

Through all this thinking and going back and forth between why I stop myself from writing, to my childhood, to why I can’t come up with the words to write is that I need practice. I have been hard on myself every day since 5th grade but when is it going to stop? I have to start something to be good at it, or to fail, or to realize I love it, or I hate it…. I have to try. I do get overwhelmed often and I feel like I have to be perfect at everything, but I am trying to accept that I will be fine without being perfect. So I am going to try and just write what I want.. not things filtered so heavily by my ego.

Sincerely,

Finally ready to fail?? I think….

Poems

Perfectionism

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For me, starting is not the hardest

It is maintaining.

I keep talking myself out of doing things

Something might happen, I might upset someone, or do something bad.

These thoughts cloud my mind

Turning my clear lake into a middy pond.

Then, as those bad thoughts gain more power and momentum

They began to drown me.

I was constantly fighting against them, trying not to be dragged under.

But the lake just got more dangerous and rough.

It felt like it will be impossible to go back to my original state of peace.

That crystal clear lake.

After a while, I forget what I was even striving for.

I forget how that clean lake felt in my head.

But then I decide to stop fighting the waves.

I float…

I allow myself to be imperfect and to be messy.

I talk out my thoughts with people or write them out to try and let them not get too polluted from the muddy waters.

The waves slowly begin to calm

There are still ripples I feel, still disturbing the lake in my mind

But I understand that they can’t hurt me and I don’t need to fight them.

I know I am still under those slightly muddied waters and nothing can change that.

I just have to let the debris settle.