I have been lying since the 5th grade. I plagiarized on a big project and got so embarrassed, I promised to never do that again. And for the most part I kept that promise to myself. Since then, I have been searching for my “truth” and decided from then on to always present that side of me to others. But as I grew up I realized the world was more complicated than it seemed and have been struggling with balancing the truth and lies ever since.

I thought it would be easy, to be truthful 100% of the time, and I’ll never run into an issue as I had in 5th grade. But little did I know I had to learn how to frame my words the right way to not come off as too truthful or seem too transparent. It has made me a target multiple times in my life and has gotten me into avoidable arguments.

Then it got to a point where I was so frustrated at being set back because I was honest, that I kind of gave up for a little bit. I lied about everything! What I had for breakfast that morning, what I did during my weekend, you name it. I just could not stop myself from making this life that was not mine. Then I felt the anxiety creep back up again.

I was messing up my stories and was not keeping track of my lies. I learned real fast I needed a clean slate once again, as this was not the solution to my problem. I still get anxiety even when I am telling the truth that others will think I am lying..

Now, I am stating my boundaries clearly. This means actually saying I am not interested in going to a party instead of a “maybe” or saying I don’t want to work weekends upfront instead of leaving the option open.

And I’ve learned to be honest but not too honest… but something still rubs me the wrong way. I am starting to get to vague and quiet to avoid a confrontation where I might have to be honest and hurt someone’s feelings. Kind of like how I am being vague in this blog post though something specific is on my mind.

While out on a much needed walk today, I realized nothing has stopped other people from being too honest with me and hurting my feelings… I don’t want to be like them but how do I voice my inner thoughts clearly and in a way that they understand the thoughts feelings I am dealing with in my head?

That is something I am still working on. As of now the “honest but not too honest” situation has me feeling uneasy. I feel that I am not as open as a person as I used to be, though that may be a good thing.

Maybe I just need to sit with that feeling longer and get used to it or maybe there is something I can change….