Tag Archives: student

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Bad day not a bad life

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I have been having a lot of bad days lately and even on my good days I am anxious about life turning upside down. Today I woke up feeling physically sick and also sick of the place I am living in. I got up to go into work, late as usual but ended up getting a lot of work done. I feel unsure about an exam I have coming up next week, completely regretting everything about it. I have been in and out of depressive periods throughout my entire study period and I have no focus. I also found out today that WOW airlines just decided to completely quit. I had a trip for next Saturday planned through them.

I quickly scrambled to get new tickets for the same time period as I went through so much to get time off and to plan some festivities. I am going to Iceland and then to France hoping my second solo trip would go a lot smoother than the first. I was able to get tickets but goodness they were expensive. And I am moving in May…. I am fortunate to even be able to afford new tickets but now I do not have much room for error for these next couple of months.

Despite all of this chaos, I am excited to move in with one of my best friends, I am excited for my trip, I am excited to graduate from my graduate program this upcoming May, and I am excited that even though I might fail, I will be taking my MCAT next week. I am so grateful for all of these things in my life right now. Maybe it is the anti-depressants keeping me from having a mental breakdown but I am doing okay despite all the stressors in my life. Barely floating, but there.

Just a reminder that even when everything seems to be turning upside down, you can look forward to the things in life you are grateful for and what brings you joy. It is keeping me calm and hopeful throughout the chaos.


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Rumination

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I hate the fact that I ruminate an uncomfortable amount almost every single day. I go to therapy sessions weekly, I am sticking to a medication (whether or not you agree with the use of medications). I like to think I am improving ,but even on days where everything seems to be going perfectly, all I can think of is what can go wrong.

Today was a good day. I have a trip coming up where I will be going back to Iceland for 3 days and then to France for a week. I’ve always wanted to go to France and I am promising myself to put these wants first this year. So I am just going to go, alone again as usual. I am terrified to tell my parents I am leaving again, I feel like I am turning into a rebel child. I also might give in to my urges I have had for years to get a piercing (and a tattoo because why not). And so far things have been falling into place for me to make these things happen but I just… worry.

I worry about losing something important, I worry about what others might think of me, I worry about what my future self would think of this, and I worry about letting people down. One thing that I am realizing is that none of those worries should matter, it should just matter what I think and how I feel. I am excited for all the changes that are happening in my life but I am also terrified of upsetting someone or ruining something and seeing it all be torn down. A reason I think I live in fear.

I worry about not being enough. I worry about being too boring or too quiet or too dumb. I worry that even though I had a positive first interaction with someone the other day, the second interaction will probably be crap.

I do not know why I feel this way even though I know it is not rational. It is hard to do anything with these thoughts on your mind, I could stare into blank space for hours. I am getting better though, with mediation, yoga, exercise, chosen family, my lovely cat, and my doctors. Everyday I try and make little improvements to let these thoughts pass me by. Lately I’ve been stuck in a rut due to pressure at school and work and from my parents. And on top of that I am struggling with being proud of my identity and true self in any setting.

For now I just want to accept and reflect on who I am so I get to a place where I don’t need to approval of others to live my life.