I am tired at looking at myself in the mirror so I wanted to find something better to look at.
As I am sitting here going a little crazy indoors I can’t help but to look at some previous travel photos and plan out future travels. Here are a few… Can you guess where they are from?
Anything you love on will grow.
Really though, someone please tell me how I did it.. especially at my dream school….
For the past few years I have been saying I would apply and then it came time to actually apply and interview…. then overnight it seems I became a future PhD candidate. But the thing was it wasn’t overnight.
Though I see myself as a slightly average PhD applicant, I showed my dedication to research over the years. I’ve had some substantial experiences that have stuck with me and I am passionate about specific areas of research.
I want to briefly note how I think I got in with my less than perfect grades and GRE scores (though that exam may be a thing of the past anyways). This will probably change as I actually start my program but this is how I think I got into Columbia Univ’s program:
I had a few unique laboratory experiences that seemed all over the place but they were experiences that I learned a great amount of information and put a great amount of work into. I was also able to talk passionately about them during my interview. Surprisingly, the interviewers were more interested in my lab work in a plant diagnostic laboratory than one of my higher profile cancer laboratories
This leads me to my next point was that I was unique. I was non traditional and had a unique set of skills to bring to the table. I was artistic, active in sports, and causes that I care about. I didn’t trap myself in lab all day, I went out and lived my life and had a good work life balance.
I had a lot of writing experiences from writing protocols to assisting with writing grants with my PIs. I had a lot of writing under my belt and still keep up with it to this day. Also proofread the fuck out of your personal statement.
I had a lot of practice during my Masters program with presentations and talking about scientific papers and research which the interviews seemed to really like. Talk with confidence and talk like you know what you’re talking about. Just try it out and even if you are wrong it will be okay, it is way better than not trying at all.
This is something that has just helped with my confidence in general. I walked into my interview with my two nose piercings, queer af, and being my apologetically black self. This showed them that I owned every part of myself and was confident as a person already. Maybe they liked it, maybe they didn’t but confidence always gets you where you need to go.
Spending so much time with my thoughts and journaling has made me think more about how I want my life to go and what I want to prioritize in my life.
Like this blog. I currently don’t blog as much as I want to and mostly don’t post due to my own self doubt. But now I have been thinking “who cares..” and I am deciding to push through with my ideas more forcefully and put this mindset into my everyday life.
It has led to the following actions:
I am taking action now in what I can.
I am planning for what I can’t do in the moment.
I am envisioning my best life in the future.
I am envisioning the best outcome for the journeys I am about to embark on.
I am finding peace in even the smallest moment of my day.
These thoughts may or may not make sense but I feel like I am getting closer to finding myself through all the bullshit that was in front of it.
I have to admit, I have definitely been battling with depression during this time. Between having to quit my job, start a PhD program in the fall, and stress with what is going on in the world AND balancing a relationship with my girlfriend… all of it is weighing on me.
Though I am fortunate enough to work at home, I am constantly triggered when working as my current boss exhibits some behaviors as a previous, abusive one. I want to leave my job as soon as possible, but I am just waiting out the days to try and save some money before my move to NYC.
Also, NYC has been one of the worst cities hit by the pandemic and it isn’t possible for me to visit and explore and get acquainted with me new home. I also worry about not being mentally prepared for my PhD program after this quarantine. My brain does not feel ready to embark on a whole journey and I constantly worry about if I am “going to make it.”
I am also worried about how my relationship will take form during all of these transitions. A lot of worries on my mind… but after crying on the phone with my therapist on Tuesday, I am beginning to feel more settled as I adopt new tools to help me.
I’ve been role playing in my head certain scenarios I have been feeling anxiety over, and soon I think I will be able to role play with other people I trust, like my girlfriend. This helps me plan for a moment or a conversation and decreases my anxiety over the situation as a whole since I know how I am going to handle it.
I have been trying to maintain constant sleep and wake times as it helps with my overall mood if I have something constant in my life.
I have been writing my feelings down, and spending more time talking about them instead of constantly distracting myself from them.
In these times, the world is constantly changing so we must as well. As much as my body hates changes, I have been trying to use these tools to the best of my ability to manage all of this extra time I have with my own thoughts.
As I sit inside feeling the slight breeze from my open window, I realize that life is forever changing.
There is no normal and every moment in time changes my brain. I have to adapt.
How quickly I adapt depends on how big the change.
I remind myself that it is okay to feel all of the emotions that come with change. Grieving a time that once was.
I give myself the time and space to feel these emotions.
I move slower and tell myself that is okay.
And then I start feeling better, getting up earlier, feeling at peace with this “new” life.
Because though this is a big change, I keep in mind that normal is always new, is always changing.
Like everyone I have been struggling to adjust to this new indoor life. But here are some little thing that have made me feel more whole as a person.
Having a morning routine makes waking up less dreadful and it makes me less likely to scroll social media for hours in the morning.
At first I was dreading doing an at home workout but once I found a good flow video, I felt amazing afterwards. These videos are shorter than a normal class normally but I usually pair this with an afternoon workout and it has been working really well. Here is my recent favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1H3xO3x_Js
If you live in a studio apartment like me this might be proven difficult but I realized even opening my windows and taking time to tend to my plant makes me feel a lot better. Even taking my time to walk to the dumpster has been providing me with the vitamin D to get by.
I am trying my best to read alongside working and researching for the blog more. It has been a challenge but it has been proven a great way to pass time that is not looking at a screen the whole time.
This is a big one as I am wearing the same clothes for days on end and I have been getting lazy with cleaning my space as no one is coming over. However, I realized cleaning my space has made me feel so much better mentally and it gives the motivation to get other things done like clean myself which unfortunately comes last sometimes.
This is the time for PHYSICAL distancing not social distancing. Please do not neglect your need to connect with other people especially if you live alone like me. I found myself slipping into a depression until I took the time to call people every day. And think about it, they need it too. We are all in this together.
I do these things not for perfection or productivity but to promote wholeness in my life. What are you doing to feel more whole during these times?
I feel it rushing through me
As my feet hit the pavement
Step by step the feeling builds
I think about my accomplishments and my life
How grateful I am for everyone in it
I feel confident
I have been lying since the 5th grade. I plagiarized on a big project and got so embarrassed, I promised to never do that again. And for the most part I kept that promise to myself. Since then, I have been searching for my “truth” and decided from then on to always present that side of me to others. But as I grew up I realized the world was more complicated than it seemed and have been struggling with balancing the truth and lies ever since.
I thought it would be easy, to be truthful 100% of the time, and I’ll never run into an issue as I had in 5th grade. But little did I know I had to learn how to frame my words the right way to not come off as too truthful or seem too transparent. It has made me a target multiple times in my life and has gotten me into avoidable arguments.
Then it got to a point where I was so frustrated at being set back because I was honest, that I kind of gave up for a little bit. I lied about everything! What I had for breakfast that morning, what I did during my weekend, you name it. I just could not stop myself from making this life that was not mine. Then I felt the anxiety creep back up again.
I was messing up my stories and was not keeping track of my lies. I learned real fast I needed a clean slate once again, as this was not the solution to my problem. I still get anxiety even when I am telling the truth that others will think I am lying..
Now, I am stating my boundaries clearly. This means actually saying I am not interested in going to a party instead of a “maybe” or saying I don’t want to work weekends upfront instead of leaving the option open.
And I’ve learned to be honest but not too honest… but something still rubs me the wrong way. I am starting to get to vague and quiet to avoid a confrontation where I might have to be honest and hurt someone’s feelings. Kind of like how I am being vague in this blog post though something specific is on my mind.
While out on a much needed walk today, I realized nothing has stopped other people from being too honest with me and hurting my feelings… I don’t want to be like them but how do I voice my inner thoughts clearly and in a way that they understand the thoughts feelings I am dealing with in my head?
That is something I am still working on. As of now the “honest but not too honest” situation has me feeling uneasy. I feel that I am not as open as a person as I used to be, though that may be a good thing.
Maybe I just need to sit with that feeling longer and get used to it or maybe there is something I can change….
The Chatty Cat 