All posts by Demi

mental health

I wear the mask

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“We wear the mask that grins and lies… With torn and bleeding hearts we smile.”

Paul Laurence Dunbar

This powerful quote is from the poem ” We wear the mask.” Reading this really made me look deeper into not only my mental health and the mental health themes that affect my black community. As I looked deeper into these issue, I read some valuable information about mental health as it pertains to a specific community. First I breezed through the normal signs and symptoms of depression like “feeling sad or ‘blue'”… Then I went through a scenario of a person who keeps getting up every morning feeling like they just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They forget to pack lunch the night before, they leave their coffee at home, they show up to a meeting late, and feeling all over the place. They then have a hard time calming down after the morning craziness but instead of going for an outdoor walk or taking a break to listen to music, etc., they lie their head on their desk in total exhaustion with their mind still racing with thoughts. They seem to have another series of unfortunate events that afternoon and the whole thing starts back up again the next day….

To be honest, this scenario felt like a normal day in my life growing up. Things were always extra chaotic and sometimes I felt like I could not catch a breath. Life has no breaths and it seemed like it was not supposed to have fun parts, like having to study or practice on the little free time I had outside of school to be “better” than everyone else. But this piece of literature was pointing out that this is a scenario where you should start to seek professional help before things get worse (or just talk to someone about what you are going through instead of closing yourself off). I could not believe that I always thought running around with your head cut off was the way life works. That I always had to be working and I could never take that time for myself. I underestimated how much of a person I am… What I was doing in the past wasn’t living, it was just survival.

This book also pointed out how differently people need to approach the black community about mental health problems due to the several layers encompassing this essential part of ourselves. Our mental health is something we have trained ourselves to hide and to add these layers on because we used to need it to survive. Now that all of these layers are on and have been for so long, it has become difficult to pull them back to let us breath and grow… because all these layers are doing now is holding us back.

None of this means we are weak but we are just misunderstood and we need more research on us. All of this made me think how I need to do everything in my power to stand up for my peers in the field of research. Tools are out there for us, we just have to make sure we are using the right ones. I think working on myself has revealed that my feelings have stems so deeper than I have ever imagined.

Though I am reading, learning, taking medication, and regularly seeing a therapist, I feel like I am stuck. I keep going through the same scenarios over again that were obviously traumatic throughout my life, and I’ve dissected them, and tried my best to re-write them. My self confidence is still continually improving but I still feel this need to always wear this mask when I don’t want to. I feel like a figurative mask is not all bad in daily life. I don’t want to curse out a random person in the grocery store, but it is not needed for times when I need to clearly communicate my feelings.

I don’t know why I always worry about someone else’s happiness over my own, but just a couple of days ago I about had it. Work has been its usual stressful but I had my management say and do things to me that I was not happy with at all. This went back all the way to my two week medical leave I took three months ago because of my depression and when I returned I was completely ignored by them. My seat was given away along (I was moved to a different floor) with my entire job duties and they claimed they were not trying to isolate me. I have been persistently asking management to meet with me to discuss but it had been pushed off for those months until HR got involved. The meeting happened the other day and I was told that I need to move past this problem.

Now, what does all that have to do with wearing a mask? I feel because I constantly wearing this happy face mask whenever I’m at work even if I am saying I disagree with something, I am being perceived as if everything is fine… even when shit was on fire. I always talk in therapy about how I am getting better at voicing to other people how I feel but I realized I also need to work on how I say it. And I also feel it is not wrong to express my feelings in a respectful manner without a smile on my face. My worst fears came true when my manager told me to move past the problem and to be honest I cried for a good 30 minutes after that meeting but I am still here and I am still alive. This invisible standard of “strength” I told myself to upkeep is doing nothing but tearing me down. Constantly wearing a smile on my face does not define who I am at my core. I am an emotional being and that is okay. We are all emotional beings and if I can have empathy for others why wouldn’t someone do the same for me?

This is going to be a long and tough thought to manage but I know it is possible.

mental health, Poems

Done staying silent

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I spent most of my life, holding all of my thoughts and feelings in. Thinking that I was what was wrong with the world. The psychic damage passed down through my grandparents and then my parents, left a gaping hole in my soul. They did not know how to help with mine because they had covered theirs up with a thin piece of cloth. They did not want to dive too deep into mine, as they were afraid of ripping open their old wounds. I looked around at all the paler faces around me. Their chests had no sign of emptiness. They were shielded from this pain, due to ignorance passed down from their grandparents and then their parents. Because ignorance is bliss right?

Because they had no hole in their chest like me, I wanted so badly to be like them. They seemed to admire me when I did so. My chest slowly began to get covered up by a thin cloth and for a while I felt okay. Then, I opened my eyes and recognized the invisible poison building up within me and around me. I panicked, moved too quickly, and ripped my cloth. Everything that was there before leaked back out again, except there was more. It consumed me. I was drowning.

I felt myself give up and sink to the bottom of the hole, heavy with my thoughts. I felt as if I would never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough… Why bother trying to swim to the top, I asked. I will never measure up to everyone’s standards. Swimming to the top was too hard and I am too heavy. I felt the weight of my words on my back, holding me down.

In those deep waters, I saw a blurry reflection from above the water. She looked like me. She looked like a goddess with her dark brown skin and thick black hair. She was reaching a hand out. She looked so beautiful and at peace even from so far away. I could feel myself wanting to be up there with her but realized my thoughts were still holding me back. I started tugging at my weights. I twisted and turned in the water, fighting with myself. I started screaming, “I like who I am! I am worthy! I belong to myself! I owe it to myself! I have no limits!” The weights broke off and I began to swim to the surface. In the back of my mind I thought about how easy it would be to just sink to the bottom again, but then I remembered how agonizing it was, and swam even faster.

As I breached the surface, I was met by the warm sun. I floated on top of the water and pondered to myself. How did I get to that point? That hole was too deep to be caused by just my own pain? Who else helped to dig that hole?

All of a sudden, I realize the hole I had once been sinking in, has closed up. I am lying in shallow water. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest. I rest my cheek on my wet thigh. I am grateful to have made it out. I never figured out where the woman I saw in the water went, but I knew I had to share what has happened so no one else would be stuck in that place again.

mental health

Kondo-ing the mind

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You can run from your emotions and let them catch you or you can build the container you want it to live in

To not run from your emotions does not mean fighting them, but articulating your thoughts and emotions. Conversing with them. Not letting them take over your mind with their lies. Facing the reality of the situation, accepting it, and conquering it. This is a practice that I know will take a lifetime to master, but I am determined to build a beautiful container for all of my seemingly scary emotions, thoughts, and feelings instead of running from them. They can’t hurt me unless I let them. They are not me, but a product of me. I just need to handle them as they arrive and clean up my mind before it turns into a bigger problem.

Poems

Afternoon walk

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As I was walking down the sidewalk, just two blocks away from my home, I felt a presence behind me.

At first, I did not pay them any mind, but then they wouldn’t go away.

I would turn a corner and then they would.

I could hear the clicking of their shoes, the quickening of their pace as I quickened mine.

I kept seeing their shadow out the corner of my eye and could almost feel the warmth of their body, sending shivers down my spine.

I was walking faster and faster, my mind clouded. I was tripping over my feet, my mind was racing.

I felt my heart in my chest, my vision started to cave in…

I felt like I was never going to outrun this person.

I made it to the front steps of my apartment.

I started pulling hastily at my keys but felt an urge to glance back, still afraid of what I would see.

I was then greeted by a couple of leaves dancing in the wind. I stared at my empty street and chuckled to myself.

There was no one there all along. I should’ve just enjoyed the walk.

mental health

Living in a fantasy

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I am done wishing my life away or wishing to know the future of my life. I am done wishing I was white or had straight hair. I am done wishing I got perfect grades, went to X college, and did X-Y-Z after college. I am done wishing I did not have a toxic relationship with my parents. I am done wishing my mother wasn’t a narcissist or my dad was not an alcoholic. For the first time in a while, I realized how much I was living in a fantasy world in my head. A world where I was perfect and I made everyone around me happy. I have been entertaining these fantasies since high school. It makes me feel good as I got my hit of dopamine thinking about these perfect worlds. But this is not reality.

The reality is I am an imperfect person living in an imperfect world. None of that is my fault and I should not blame myself for not navigating it perfectly. I needed to forgive myself. I forgave myself. I make up excuses and I am very forgiving of other people, understanding that life is messy and these small mistakes are okay… But for me, if I do not have a perfect morning routine, I beat myself up for the rest of the day. Or if I wake up later than I am supposed to. There is no use in ruminating about it, I forgive myself, and I am not going to let it control me for the rest of the day.

The intense shame and guilt I feel when I am making these “mistakes” are just feelings brought on by my upbringing and personal experiences. It does not mean I am a terrible person or I will never get anything right… this was just how I was treated in similar situations growing up, but I can change that thought pattern. I can break the cycle.

I am allowing myself to sense my feelings without resistance. Feel what they are doing to my body. And start taking note. I am getting curious about how my body responds to my thoughts, and if it is something I want to continue doing. Because after all, it is my body and I have a choice on how I act in it. I know I can make the choices I want throughout the day and get to where I need to be if I listen to my body and listen to my thoughts.

I want to start relying on myself. This does not mean I am going to refuse help when I need it, but relying on myself to cultivate the life I want. I am not going to rely on someone to make me more fit, or smart, or happy. Other people might provide me with the tools but ultimately it is up to me to pick and choose what I want, and I will do so consciously and willingly.

I want to bring positive thoughts to the forefront of my brain to tell those negative ones to fuck off. I want to put myself and my loved ones first. Before objects, money, jobs, etc. Also, I don’t expect to live a perfect life free of problems, but I want to live life on my own terms with problems that I am grateful for.

I’ve been living in a fantasy for too long. It started as childhood dreams but now it is holding me back. I am grateful for my current life and wouldn’t want to change a thing.

werkwerkwerk

Is it possible to stop hating your 9-5?

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As I do have a job that is not strictly 9-5 (more like 7 to whenever you get finished), I wonder why on earth we are prepped to live this way. I thankfully came from a diverse and rich with life undergraduate institution where I felt free to express my opinion and ask as many questions as I pleased. When I entered my graduate studies 2 years ago and started as the youngest in this lab I am currently working in, I felt excited to start dressing up and acting like a “young professional.” I am always a respectful person, but I still have my goofy traits and I also have opinions. I speak up (even if I am shaking with nerves) about things I see that I feel are not right with an explanation and a conversation to hopefully follow. I enjoy getting to know every person work with and I normally trust that mostly everyone at work just wants to do a good job at the end of the day.

All of this might be naive, but most people in my field I have interacted with up until 2 years genuinely wanted to learn and grow. Well, now I can tell you these beliefs have been challenged again and again during these 2 years. And right now I am at my breaking point. I never wanted to say this but I hate my job. And it is not that I do not enjoy what I do for my job, I actually get a lot of satisfaction from working. But the office culture, constant discrimination I face, and feeling so dehumanized every day is taking its toll on me.

I have stood up for my co-workers and myself regarding behavior I have found inappropriate by talking to the person directly in a calm and respectful manner. In this professional environment, every blatantly disrespected comment that I have argued against down falls back negatively on me. Especially if the person I am challenging is white like all of my management, I am probed to think how I am making them feel uncomfortable by saying I feel uncomfortable by their racist comment… I have been told several times that no one cares about me, I should be grateful to be here, and I could be fired at any second. I have been told several times to know my place, though all I want to do is learn how to be a better worker. I know this is not how it might be everywhere but it is unfortunately too commonplace at my university, especially for minorities.

I have had other jobs in customer service and have been an RA, TA, disability tutor, and worked in other labs.. Though I have worked with so many people in many different ways, I never felt so little support or so little regard for me as a person before like I do now. I have heard countless times growing up in my family, on how my aunt or uncle’s bosses did not care about them and how they hated their jobs. I used to think that they were perpetuating the negative environment by their attitude, but I am learning now that no matter how hard you try, the bosses will make sure you can’t go above and beyond if they don’t want you to.

I have been lied to countless times with no proof to show, been sent around in circles for whatever reason, and have had serious needs ignored. When I came back from work after my two week medical leave, my work was given away. They make us stay late too often and are on us if we are more than 5 minutes late the next morning. The schedule is not effective and I feel like I am working for nothing sometimes. Everyone is miserable, and I was usually the positive ones that kept trying to uplift people and tell them it would get better but it just got worse. Multiple people of color were fired or left because of arguments with white colleagues. Even white people are uncomfortable with what goes on in the workplace but are too scared to speak up because of what happens when you do. People of color are continuously undermined and sometimes jokingly called the “help.” The jokes are too much and hour “HR” department does nothing about these issues. Management actually brags about how close they are to them.

After a lot of thinking and working through a lot of my anger in therapy, I realized that I am always going to be this emotionally invested person. I care about the company I work for, the people I work with, and the cause I work for… and I fight for it. This is not always the norm and I should probably work for a place with similar values that I have, and not because of the topic.

I still don’t understand why people are not first when it comes to every company but I have come to accept that not everyone thinks this way. I personally have always thought if you take care of the people, then the job will be done more efficiently and better than if you don’t. And when I say take care I mean make sure they have time to take their lunch breaks, use their time off, listen to them, discipline is fair, and acknowledge that people’s personal lives matter.

I worry if I will be able to ever find a “9-5” that will fit my needs. I thought I would easily be able to since I always enjoyed working in the science field and spending time in lab, but now I am unsure. I will be starting a yoga teaching training program soon, and I am not sure if I will actually teach but it will be nice to not only have the option of a more flexible job but get to learn in a supportive environment.

Maybe 9-5s will be thrown out the window sometime soon. Maybe I am just not meant for that. Who knows, it is just unfortunate overall. I am learning to accept that it is not a failure that I feel trapped and cornered in this full time work life, but hopefully a push into a better direction.

I really just feel like people do not see all of these roles that are put on them at work are just roles they need to play and not who they are at their core. I think a level of formality is needed for certain settings but we are also people with so many layers. I feel like unless we are currently doing brain surgery, people of all different backgrounds should feel comfortable being themselves without having it held against them. Again, maybe I am just being naive.