Tag Archives: work-life balance

mental health

Dealing with PTSD after a bad work environment

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So a while ago I talked about taking a break due to burnout at my previous job and then I talked about quitting that job. Well now, I’ve been in a new work environment but I am still dealing with triggers from my old work environment.

For a while, I was crying every day at my new job feeling judged by others or that they were all going to turn against me. Even when my new boss was giving me praise, I was bracing for the yelling and abuse that would follow. I still deal with these emotions from time to time now. But the bottom line is that I was still feeling all of these strong emotions without the stimulus actually being present.

My therapist brought up the point that I was probably dealing with PTSD after being in a period of stress for so long. We talked about how PTSD can occur from any traumatic event, and is not always from things such as coming back from war. We associate PTSD with veterans frequently but she reminded me that it is okay to acknowledge that I was also going through PTSD symptoms myself.

It took me a while to accept that I needed to acknowledge the trauma I went through and sit with those uncomfortable feelings. I wanted to leave that place and all the emotions behind with it, but I learned quite quickly that wasn’t going to be the case.

I am now learning to deal with my PTSD with different therapy exercises I have been doing. I have been doing better at managing my emotions at my new workplace and I hope to take these skills to my next career move in my PhD program.

Though this experience was one of the toughest emotional endeavors I’ve dealt with, it made me realize all the emotional baggage other employees bring to a different workplace and to be conscious of that. I never realized how much a previous work experience can impact you when it is so negative and how it sneakily embeds itself into your self confidence and self worth overall. I feel I have become a more empathetic person and more understanding throughout this process.

Though I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone else, I do see the silver lining within it.

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Is it possible to stop hating your 9-5?

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As I do have a job that is not strictly 9-5 (more like 7 to whenever you get finished), I wonder why on earth we are prepped to live this way. I thankfully came from a diverse and rich with life undergraduate institution where I felt free to express my opinion and ask as many questions as I pleased. When I entered my graduate studies 2 years ago and started as the youngest in this lab I am currently working in, I felt excited to start dressing up and acting like a “young professional.” I am always a respectful person, but I still have my goofy traits and I also have opinions. I speak up (even if I am shaking with nerves) about things I see that I feel are not right with an explanation and a conversation to hopefully follow. I enjoy getting to know every person work with and I normally trust that mostly everyone at work just wants to do a good job at the end of the day.

All of this might be naive, but most people in my field I have interacted with up until 2 years genuinely wanted to learn and grow. Well, now I can tell you these beliefs have been challenged again and again during these 2 years. And right now I am at my breaking point. I never wanted to say this but I hate my job. And it is not that I do not enjoy what I do for my job, I actually get a lot of satisfaction from working. But the office culture, constant discrimination I face, and feeling so dehumanized every day is taking its toll on me.

I have stood up for my co-workers and myself regarding behavior I have found inappropriate by talking to the person directly in a calm and respectful manner. In this professional environment, every blatantly disrespected comment that I have argued against down falls back negatively on me. Especially if the person I am challenging is white like all of my management, I am probed to think how I am making them feel uncomfortable by saying I feel uncomfortable by their racist comment… I have been told several times that no one cares about me, I should be grateful to be here, and I could be fired at any second. I have been told several times to know my place, though all I want to do is learn how to be a better worker. I know this is not how it might be everywhere but it is unfortunately too commonplace at my university, especially for minorities.

I have had other jobs in customer service and have been an RA, TA, disability tutor, and worked in other labs.. Though I have worked with so many people in many different ways, I never felt so little support or so little regard for me as a person before like I do now. I have heard countless times growing up in my family, on how my aunt or uncle’s bosses did not care about them and how they hated their jobs. I used to think that they were perpetuating the negative environment by their attitude, but I am learning now that no matter how hard you try, the bosses will make sure you can’t go above and beyond if they don’t want you to.

I have been lied to countless times with no proof to show, been sent around in circles for whatever reason, and have had serious needs ignored. When I came back from work after my two week medical leave, my work was given away. They make us stay late too often and are on us if we are more than 5 minutes late the next morning. The schedule is not effective and I feel like I am working for nothing sometimes. Everyone is miserable, and I was usually the positive ones that kept trying to uplift people and tell them it would get better but it just got worse. Multiple people of color were fired or left because of arguments with white colleagues. Even white people are uncomfortable with what goes on in the workplace but are too scared to speak up because of what happens when you do. People of color are continuously undermined and sometimes jokingly called the “help.” The jokes are too much and hour “HR” department does nothing about these issues. Management actually brags about how close they are to them.

After a lot of thinking and working through a lot of my anger in therapy, I realized that I am always going to be this emotionally invested person. I care about the company I work for, the people I work with, and the cause I work for… and I fight for it. This is not always the norm and I should probably work for a place with similar values that I have, and not because of the topic.

I still don’t understand why people are not first when it comes to every company but I have come to accept that not everyone thinks this way. I personally have always thought if you take care of the people, then the job will be done more efficiently and better than if you don’t. And when I say take care I mean make sure they have time to take their lunch breaks, use their time off, listen to them, discipline is fair, and acknowledge that people’s personal lives matter.

I worry if I will be able to ever find a “9-5” that will fit my needs. I thought I would easily be able to since I always enjoyed working in the science field and spending time in lab, but now I am unsure. I will be starting a yoga teaching training program soon, and I am not sure if I will actually teach but it will be nice to not only have the option of a more flexible job but get to learn in a supportive environment.

Maybe 9-5s will be thrown out the window sometime soon. Maybe I am just not meant for that. Who knows, it is just unfortunate overall. I am learning to accept that it is not a failure that I feel trapped and cornered in this full time work life, but hopefully a push into a better direction.

I really just feel like people do not see all of these roles that are put on them at work are just roles they need to play and not who they are at their core. I think a level of formality is needed for certain settings but we are also people with so many layers. I feel like unless we are currently doing brain surgery, people of all different backgrounds should feel comfortable being themselves without having it held against them. Again, maybe I am just being naive.

mental health

Back in the office after burnout

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I mentioned briefly before that I took a break from work due to mental exhaustion. Pushing myself and not setting the proper boundaries pushed me into depression for a short period of time. You would think having a two week break to just focus on you would allow you to be completely recharged and to be better suited for the emotional roller coasters you face throughout the work day upon your return… well you thought wrong.

During the break, I did put in a significant amount of time focusing on myself and learned a lot about what my body needed to function properly. I thought this would be all I needed to take on my stressful work environment. I also did ease my way back in with my first day just attending a training and doing no desk or lab work. Then someone tell me why was it that I wanted to just cry during my first meeting. I also felt even more nervous than before being around some of the people that triggered my anxiety in the first place.

After spending time in therapy, I uncovered that my response has been completely normal considering the amount of stress I have been through. However, that does not change the fact that some things that I was put through at work had been completely unacceptable. Learning to trust my instincts and acknowledge my anxiety instead of thinking every emotion I feel is wrong because of my mental health problem has been helping a lot.

I am slowly but surely feeling better in and outside of work and gaining more confidence. That does not mean I am not fearful that something will said to me might shatter it completely. However, I am working on facing those fears head on now instead of ignoring them. Why do I feel like I want to cry if someone insults my past? What are the objective facts of the situation? How do I view the situation? How might someone from the ‘outside’ view this situation? How can I confront the issue in a healthy way? I used these questions as well as some things I have learned during my break while I have been back to cope with all of my feelings:

Learning to separate work from your identity is a must. You do not need to be your work. You do not need to work 24/7 to feel accomplished. Life is so hard and messy and every aspect of it deserves attention. Listen to your body and learn what you want out of life. Work towards building that up. 100 years from now, you having a certain dollar amount in your bank account will mean absolutely nothing. Think instead about how you can incorporate what truly matters to you in your life and how much money you would need to do that.

I’ve also learned to stop holding onto material things. Have you ever had or seen a roommate who meticulously labels all of there things and is constantly accusing you of touching or even breathing near their stuff. Well, I actually haven’t but I’ve had friends who had and it seems so illogical. Ask yourself why a situation is making you upset and if it truly is the situation at hand or your own ego.

And last but not least, everything is temporary. These feelings are temporary, that boss is temporary, this moment is temporary…. the list can go on and on. So do what matters to you because the only thing that will be consistent in this lifetime is you…

This post might be all over the place but this is what has been on my mind. Getting back into work after time off is tough no matter what but it was probably the best decision of this year. Take care of yourself peeps.

mental health

Knowing Boundaries- Work Life with Anxiety and Depression

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Today, I returned back to work full time after a two week hiatus due to my mental problems and also some chronic physical problems that got out of hand due to stress at work. Coming back after a mental health break is a lot tougher than you think. You assume you are going to be so refreshed and ready to jump back into your work like nothing ever happened. I am here to tell you the ups and downs of being a young professional who had to take a mental health break, the obstacles I am facing getting back into it, and the many mistakes I have made in the process.

BOUNDARIES

Well first lets briefly talk about why I had to take this break in the first place. It was mainly due to the fact I did not understand a little concept called BOUNDARIES. So, during the month of May I worked every day (including weekends), covering work that should’ve been spread across 3 more people, working from 7am to 8pm (and sometimes 11pm) each day, and oh yea I don’t get paid for overtime. I just had to work late and be there to do it all over again the next morning. The only day I had off was for my graduation from my Masters program and then the next morning at 7am I was back at it. Most days I did not have time for a lunch break or even a bathroom break because of the experiments going on were very time dependent. I also spent all of my time there in a windowless dim room to do my in vivo (experiments being done in an animal) work. Towards the end of the month, I was crying every day in the bathroom and eventually I just had to cry while doing experiments because I did not have the time to dry my eyes in the bathroom. Why Demi…. why would you do this…..

I do want to preface this by saying there were a couple of circumstances that lead to this awful month of May. People were let go on my team unexpectedly and the managers who are a little dissociated from the work we do let everyone else go on vacation during this period and did not realize until everyone was leaving. There were also several important experiments that we were in the thick of and nothing could wait for the rest of my team to get back. That was the reason I accepted to tackle all of these responsibilities in the first place but looking back it was HUGE MISTAKE. I should’ve had better boundaries with my management to get the appropriate amount of help and compensation for the work I was going to provide. I should’ve said no and this is a scary thing to even think about but saying no and working through a better solution would’ve been better for everyone in the long run.

THE FALL

I ended up making a lot of mistakes (shocker) during this period. And getting reprimanded for those mistakes under those stressful circumstances started to make me spiral. Not only was I crying at work due to the stress but I would come home and just drink whatever alcohol I had in the apartment by myself, something that is unlike me. I was just in so much turmoil I truly could not think clearly enough to adequately cope. I would just get really drunk and crash in bed, then just get up and go through my work day or what I felt like was torture all over again. Even after May was over, and my team was back, I felt defeated. I kept making mistakes at work and was put on a probation for a week.

What a probation at my job means is that I was not going to be performing any wet lab or animal experiments anymore, I was mostly going to be working at my desk, doing online trainings, and also going to in person trainings. That week was awful for me. I was crying all of the time, I felt so anxious, embarrassed, and thought so negatively of myself. I just wished I had set better boundaries to have avoided this situation in the first place because as I know I am capable of getting the work done, I knew it was too much for one person to handle. And given my history of mental health problems, I should’ve known it might push me too much in the wrong direction. Also, during this time I did not have time to go to my weekly therapy appointments, and had not talked to my therapist for the entirety of May when I needed it most.

GETTING BACK UP (AGAIN)

The best thing I did to help me get back on track was calling my psychiatrist. I called the office (after that awful week on probation) and said I was having some problems, can I be seen soon. I went in a few days later and just broke down crying for the first time in her office. I told her what had been going on and we worked on a plan to get better and cope. We planned on increasing my medication, taking two week medical leave, more regular visits with my therapist, exercising, and focusing on building a routine that puts me more at ease.

Most people think this sounds great, two weeks to do whatever you want… absolutely wrong. Though a mental disorder is invisible to most people, it definitely felt just as hard as recovering from the concussion I had in high school. The first few days are difficult, especially with an increase in medication. I was sleeping all of the time, I felt disgusting and not like myself. My apartment was a mess and it made me feel like a slob. I felt lost and I felt I was watching everyone else live their lives while I was trapped. But as the days went on and I opened my blinds to let the light into my room, I started to feel my mood turn around. You start out with small tasks like cleaning and getting outside on a walk everyday. Then you can get into working out daily, practicing that instrument, writing that blog post, etc. Then you can finally open you work email and get up to date on what is going on to be prepared when you get back.

GOING BACK TO WHERE IT STARTED

And all of that leads us to today, where I was truly back in the work place full time. To be honest it was a lot more triggering than I thought it was going to be. Just seeing some of the people there caused my to feel a knot in my chest. I am still doing mostly desk work but I am not on probation anymore. However, it was today I realized another BIG MISTAKE I had made which was letting my immediate management have access to my doctor’s note.

Technically your Human Resource department should be given those doctors’ notes especially for a situation as intimate as mine. My management knew this information but asked for my doctor’s note anyways and I was told after the fact to give this the HR. Honestly, I was not thinking straight when I was first put on leave and should’ve really dug deep into the proper procedures. But at this point I think everyone in the workplace knows this was a mental issue, aka management has no boundaries here. I know it is just my perspective but I definitely worry about being viewed differently and not being given projects because of my mental disorder that though I did not disclose to them, they probably figured out.

Maybe I am just spiraling, maybe things are normal but that does not change the fact that I had an anxiety attack today because of all of these thoughts. And even though they got 4 (yes you heard that right) people to do what I was doing and there are even more mistakes now than there was when it was just me alone, I am still not allowed to be back on that study due to my breakdown.

At the end of the day there is no changing this situation and all I can do is move forward with what I have learned during these past 2 months. Even though it might be 1000x harder to exercise boundaries as a person with social anxiety or any other mental problem, please advocate for yourself because you are the only person who knows what is best for you. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

❤