I woke up this morning with a smile on my face because it is Earth Day! I love appreciating the planet we are on and I just wanted to share my love for it.
I have outlined some tips on how to celebrate Earth Day here.
❤
Category Archives: mental health
Happy Earth Week: Here’s what you can do
During these strange times it is still important to remember that it is Earth Week with Earth day coming up on Wednesday, April 22nd, 2020. And though we can’t physically go out and do the things we normally do, here are some things you can do from your home for this Earth week.
Attend a digital strike
At least for New York, there are plans of a digital strike occurring to demand that our leaders support a Green New Deal, funding for front line communities, and a just transition to 100% renewable energy. More information found here.
Creatively Compost
There are many ways to compost even in a small studio apartment like mine. You can look up composting centers and facilities nearby if you don’t have your own to bring it when it is full!
Have a plant based meal for a day or once per week
I completely understand that everyone can’t go plant based overnight but even substituting one meal a day or even during your week and just being mindful lowers your carbon footprint.
Reduce your own plastic waste
Do a plastic audit of yourself and limit your own plastic waste. Though unavoidable, there are several items to replace common plastic items such as using beeswax wrap instead of plastic wrap, buying in bulk to avoid plastic packaging, and using reusable pens.
What are you doing for Earth Week?
Finding Myself
Spending so much time with my thoughts and journaling has made me think more about how I want my life to go and what I want to prioritize in my life.
Like this blog. I currently don’t blog as much as I want to and mostly don’t post due to my own self doubt. But now I have been thinking “who cares..” and I am deciding to push through with my ideas more forcefully and put this mindset into my everyday life.
It has led to the following actions:
I am taking action now in what I can.
I am planning for what I can’t do in the moment.
I am envisioning my best life in the future.
I am envisioning the best outcome for the journeys I am about to embark on.
I am finding peace in even the smallest moment of my day.
These thoughts may or may not make sense but I feel like I am getting closer to finding myself through all the bullshit that was in front of it.
Fighting through depression and anxiety before PhD program
I have to admit, I have definitely been battling with depression during this time. Between having to quit my job, start a PhD program in the fall, and stress with what is going on in the world AND balancing a relationship with my girlfriend… all of it is weighing on me.
Though I am fortunate enough to work at home, I am constantly triggered when working as my current boss exhibits some behaviors as a previous, abusive one. I want to leave my job as soon as possible, but I am just waiting out the days to try and save some money before my move to NYC.
Also, NYC has been one of the worst cities hit by the pandemic and it isn’t possible for me to visit and explore and get acquainted with me new home. I also worry about not being mentally prepared for my PhD program after this quarantine. My brain does not feel ready to embark on a whole journey and I constantly worry about if I am “going to make it.”
I am also worried about how my relationship will take form during all of these transitions. A lot of worries on my mind… but after crying on the phone with my therapist on Tuesday, I am beginning to feel more settled as I adopt new tools to help me.
I’ve been role playing in my head certain scenarios I have been feeling anxiety over, and soon I think I will be able to role play with other people I trust, like my girlfriend. This helps me plan for a moment or a conversation and decreases my anxiety over the situation as a whole since I know how I am going to handle it.
I have been trying to maintain constant sleep and wake times as it helps with my overall mood if I have something constant in my life.
I have been writing my feelings down, and spending more time talking about them instead of constantly distracting myself from them.
In these times, the world is constantly changing so we must as well. As much as my body hates changes, I have been trying to use these tools to the best of my ability to manage all of this extra time I have with my own thoughts.
My New Normal
Like everyone I have been struggling to adjust to this new indoor life. But here are some little thing that have made me feel more whole as a person.
Have a morning routine
Having a morning routine makes waking up less dreadful and it makes me less likely to scroll social media for hours in the morning.
Online Yoga
At first I was dreading doing an at home workout but once I found a good flow video, I felt amazing afterwards. These videos are shorter than a normal class normally but I usually pair this with an afternoon workout and it has been working really well. Here is my recent favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1H3xO3x_Js
Getting Fresh Air However You Can
If you live in a studio apartment like me this might be proven difficult but I realized even opening my windows and taking time to tend to my plant makes me feel a lot better. Even taking my time to walk to the dumpster has been providing me with the vitamin D to get by.
Start a new book or finish a book
I am trying my best to read alongside working and researching for the blog more. It has been a challenge but it has been proven a great way to pass time that is not looking at a screen the whole time.
Don’t forget to clean yourself and your space
This is a big one as I am wearing the same clothes for days on end and I have been getting lazy with cleaning my space as no one is coming over. However, I realized cleaning my space has made me feel so much better mentally and it gives the motivation to get other things done like clean myself which unfortunately comes last sometimes.
Talk to your friends and family
This is the time for PHYSICAL distancing not social distancing. Please do not neglect your need to connect with other people especially if you live alone like me. I found myself slipping into a depression until I took the time to call people every day. And think about it, they need it too. We are all in this together.
I do these things not for perfection or productivity but to promote wholeness in my life. What are you doing to feel more whole during these times?
Lying
I have been lying since the 5th grade. I plagiarized on a big project and got so embarrassed, I promised to never do that again. And for the most part I kept that promise to myself. Since then, I have been searching for my “truth” and decided from then on to always present that side of me to others. But as I grew up I realized the world was more complicated than it seemed and have been struggling with balancing the truth and lies ever since.
I thought it would be easy, to be truthful 100% of the time, and I’ll never run into an issue as I had in 5th grade. But little did I know I had to learn how to frame my words the right way to not come off as too truthful or seem too transparent. It has made me a target multiple times in my life and has gotten me into avoidable arguments.
Then it got to a point where I was so frustrated at being set back because I was honest, that I kind of gave up for a little bit. I lied about everything! What I had for breakfast that morning, what I did during my weekend, you name it. I just could not stop myself from making this life that was not mine. Then I felt the anxiety creep back up again.
I was messing up my stories and was not keeping track of my lies. I learned real fast I needed a clean slate once again, as this was not the solution to my problem. I still get anxiety even when I am telling the truth that others will think I am lying..
Now, I am stating my boundaries clearly. This means actually saying I am not interested in going to a party instead of a “maybe” or saying I don’t want to work weekends upfront instead of leaving the option open.
And I’ve learned to be honest but not too honest… but something still rubs me the wrong way. I am starting to get to vague and quiet to avoid a confrontation where I might have to be honest and hurt someone’s feelings. Kind of like how I am being vague in this blog post though something specific is on my mind.
While out on a much needed walk today, I realized nothing has stopped other people from being too honest with me and hurting my feelings… I don’t want to be like them but how do I voice my inner thoughts clearly and in a way that they understand the thoughts feelings I am dealing with in my head?
That is something I am still working on. As of now the “honest but not too honest” situation has me feeling uneasy. I feel that I am not as open as a person as I used to be, though that may be a good thing.
Maybe I just need to sit with that feeling longer and get used to it or maybe there is something I can change….
Painting more…
Pre-quarantine photos
What you focus on controls your life…
Everyday I worry.
My worry started small like anybody else.
I worried about my health after a lump in my breast was found.
I had surgery, and it was taken out.
But the worry was still there.
I worried about my health constantly.
Then, I worried about what others thought of me.
Then, I worried about my body image.
The worry grew like a snowball down a hill, and I thought I couldn’t stop it.
It was as if I was at the bottom of the hill, and was facing away from the growing ball.
And everyday I was hit by it, and every morning another one started back up again.
I lived in constant fear of it, it was always on my mind.
Everyday it seemed to grow, the more and more as I fed it with my thoughts.
One cold morning, it started back up again, on top of the hill..
But, I was able to turn around and see it.
I was able to jump out the way.
The snowball still began at the beginning of the day, but it wasn’t hitting me.
Soon, the snowball became a distant memory after hoping out of its way.
I stopped thinking about that snowball that used to knock me to the ground.
It didn’t knock the breath away from me and I am able to continue living.
Journey to loving myself
For most of my life, I truly did not understand the concept of loving yourself. People always say you have to love yourself before you love anyone else and I didn’t know what they meant. I grew up in a household that rarely said “I love you”, so it can be expected that a young Deme did not understand the concept of love.
Since hearing all of this stuff about loving yourself first, I’ve been on this journey to try and figure out what that meant. And this morning, I was able to write “I love myself” in my journal and truly feel a little love for myself… 24 years later.
I started this journey by starting to prioritize myself and my needs… even above my family’s. I understand that this is a privilege as no one in my family was severely ill nor was I in need of their assistance that much at the time, but I had to distance myself from them to start finding out who I truly was. More walks and runs alone. More doing what I wanted alone. I stopped waiting for groups of friends to tell me what I should like and should be doing. I transferred colleges to a non faith based one to stop feeding this thought that I need to seem like a “good girl”… whatever that means. And I decided to be single for a while…. whether that was a choice or not is still up in the air but I wanted to be single.
“I had to distance myself from them to start finding out who I truly was.”
I got the cat I’ve always wanted. I started doing more yoga, going to graduate school, solo traveling, and doing all of the things other people in my life did not understand or want me to do… because no one knows me but me.
I stopped being so angry all the time and stopped having temper outbursts… okay tantrums, on other people. I became calmer and happier overall.
But in this process of understanding self, came my depression and anxiety. Just being more aware of myself and my choices made my head spin and my body tense. I’ve always dealt with this anxiety but it was so much worse. I stopped caring for myself again.
Then I made the active choice to go see a doctor, and then another, and then another until I found one that I felt understood me. I found a therapy schedule and therapist that worked for me. The dark clouds started to disappear and the knots in my neck started to loosen.
I started looking at the people in my life differently. The way they spoke to me, how they treated me. I started to realize who actually deserved to be in my life and who did not. Then, I met my current girlfriend. And saw how much she cared for me and understood this is what I deserve.
I love myself and I am able to truly see her and love her.
The Chatty Cat 