As I do have a job that is not strictly 9-5 (more like 7 to whenever you get finished), I wonder why on earth we are prepped to live this way. I thankfully came from a diverse and rich with life undergraduate institution where I felt free to express my opinion and ask as many questions as I pleased. When I entered my graduate studies 2 years ago and started as the youngest in this lab I am currently working in, I felt excited to start dressing up and acting like a “young professional.” I am always a respectful person, but I still have my goofy traits and I also have opinions. I speak up (even if I am shaking with nerves) about things I see that I feel are not right with an explanation and a conversation to hopefully follow. I enjoy getting to know every person work with and I normally trust that mostly everyone at work just wants to do a good job at the end of the day.

All of this might be naive, but most people in my field I have interacted with up until 2 years genuinely wanted to learn and grow. Well, now I can tell you these beliefs have been challenged again and again during these 2 years. And right now I am at my breaking point. I never wanted to say this but I hate my job. And it is not that I do not enjoy what I do for my job, I actually get a lot of satisfaction from working. But the office culture, constant discrimination I face, and feeling so dehumanized every day is taking its toll on me.

I have stood up for my co-workers and myself regarding behavior I have found inappropriate by talking to the person directly in a calm and respectful manner. In this professional environment, every blatantly disrespected comment that I have argued against down falls back negatively on me. Especially if the person I am challenging is white like all of my management, I am probed to think how I am making them feel uncomfortable by saying I feel uncomfortable by their racist comment… I have been told several times that no one cares about me, I should be grateful to be here, and I could be fired at any second. I have been told several times to know my place, though all I want to do is learn how to be a better worker. I know this is not how it might be everywhere but it is unfortunately too commonplace at my university, especially for minorities.

I have had other jobs in customer service and have been an RA, TA, disability tutor, and worked in other labs.. Though I have worked with so many people in many different ways, I never felt so little support or so little regard for me as a person before like I do now. I have heard countless times growing up in my family, on how my aunt or uncle’s bosses did not care about them and how they hated their jobs. I used to think that they were perpetuating the negative environment by their attitude, but I am learning now that no matter how hard you try, the bosses will make sure you can’t go above and beyond if they don’t want you to.

I have been lied to countless times with no proof to show, been sent around in circles for whatever reason, and have had serious needs ignored. When I came back from work after my two week medical leave, my work was given away. They make us stay late too often and are on us if we are more than 5 minutes late the next morning. The schedule is not effective and I feel like I am working for nothing sometimes. Everyone is miserable, and I was usually the positive ones that kept trying to uplift people and tell them it would get better but it just got worse. Multiple people of color were fired or left because of arguments with white colleagues. Even white people are uncomfortable with what goes on in the workplace but are too scared to speak up because of what happens when you do. People of color are continuously undermined and sometimes jokingly called the “help.” The jokes are too much and hour “HR” department does nothing about these issues. Management actually brags about how close they are to them.

After a lot of thinking and working through a lot of my anger in therapy, I realized that I am always going to be this emotionally invested person. I care about the company I work for, the people I work with, and the cause I work for… and I fight for it. This is not always the norm and I should probably work for a place with similar values that I have, and not because of the topic.

I still don’t understand why people are not first when it comes to every company but I have come to accept that not everyone thinks this way. I personally have always thought if you take care of the people, then the job will be done more efficiently and better than if you don’t. And when I say take care I mean make sure they have time to take their lunch breaks, use their time off, listen to them, discipline is fair, and acknowledge that people’s personal lives matter.

I worry if I will be able to ever find a “9-5” that will fit my needs. I thought I would easily be able to since I always enjoyed working in the science field and spending time in lab, but now I am unsure. I will be starting a yoga teaching training program soon, and I am not sure if I will actually teach but it will be nice to not only have the option of a more flexible job but get to learn in a supportive environment.

Maybe 9-5s will be thrown out the window sometime soon. Maybe I am just not meant for that. Who knows, it is just unfortunate overall. I am learning to accept that it is not a failure that I feel trapped and cornered in this full time work life, but hopefully a push into a better direction.

I really just feel like people do not see all of these roles that are put on them at work are just roles they need to play and not who they are at their core. I think a level of formality is needed for certain settings but we are also people with so many layers. I feel like unless we are currently doing brain surgery, people of all different backgrounds should feel comfortable being themselves without having it held against them. Again, maybe I am just being naive.