Tag Archives: anxiety

mental health

Using Resistance to My Advantage

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“For ever action, there is an equal and opposite reaction…”

Sir Isaac Newton

My love for science has been questioned, chewed up, and spit out more times than I can count recently. As I was pondering about science in general, I was recently reminded of good ole Newton’s 3rd law. As quoted above, this seems like a phrase that is common sense when it comes to the objects you may encounter on a daily basis. If you throw a bouncy ball down it will come up, if you jump off that middle school canoe, if will be pushed the other way. Easy right? ..But of course this is not always the case.

There are constantly other forces acting on objects that prevent that spring-back motion we think about like in the bouncy ball example. And we also know some objects have an easier time springing back or forwards, sideways, whatever, than others. Then my mind turned to resistance. I was thinking about how resistance plays a role in the energy around us and why do some things have so much more damn resistance than others. So what do all these questions and thoughts have to do with anything? Well maybe nothing… but as I stretched my mind past the sound of my old physics teacher saying these things to me, I was able to relate this to my brain.

I am starting to accept that my brain is this flawed organ that is just here keep my whole body functioning. It is selfish and it tricks my thoughts or what I believe is my soul, into doing what it wants. But your brain does not always know what is best for you… It is going off of society’s standards, cultural standards, and its own selfish needs mostly. It also LOVES negative thinking and can be too eager or too apprehensive. It can hold you back from living your life if you let it. However, I want to figure out how to not always listen to those negative thoughts and decide on my own what I want… and make my brain follow through with it.

To get any change in my thought patterns or actions, I realized I am going to encounter resistance. Now, this was the first thing that always left me disheartened. It led me to the “Why can’t it be easy, it looks easy for that person” type of thinking. And I “believed” I couldn’t do whatever I wanted to do. Or in a different scenario let’s say I want to do something that I’ve never seen be done before so I “believed” I couldn’t do it. Well the thing is, I probably can do more things I set my mind on but what has been holding me back is that I was listening to my brain. My brain who was calculating risk based off of my past instead of actually coming up with solutions to get where I want to be. I would let my brain win every time and trust its selfish nature, and eventually give up. I want to re-train myself to suppress those negative thoughts as they do not benefit me. From an evolutionary standpoint they are necessary as they helped us survive all this time as human beings. But right now all of those negative emotions do is hold me back and cause me anxiety. For me, it is best to check them more often than not.

But here is another thing about resistance, it is tricky. It can deceive us into thinking if we just push harder and push through we will make it. Like if I wanted to push an imaginary box across an imaginary floor for the first time in my life. The box could be filled with anything, flowers, medicine balls, you name it. I don’t know what that box can be filled with but I want to get to the other side. Now the floor will also exert its resistance on the box, which depends on what type of floor it is,something I can see, giving me a false illusion mostly on how much resistance I may encounter. Again, I can make a guess about how hard I need to push but I don’t know for sure. Now let’s say I have one try per day to try and push this box at a constant and fixed speed without stopping or knocking the box over to get to the other side of the room (I am making this more complicated but hang in there). The best way to approach this would be to start small. Feel it out. It is better to start small instead of over exerting yourself, potentially crushing the box, or hurting yourself, than to take it slow. You start small, and you make adjustments to get to that sweet spot right over the threshold where you are pushing that box at a steady pace. You can’t possible know what is inside that box, but you can learn enough to get where you gotta be.

Overall this whole scenario in my head gave me hope. I was thinking about resistance as something that can be overcome with persistence instead of something I should avoid. As someone who suffers from GAD, I can tell you if you try to avoid anything in life your brain is going to bite you in your ass. If you let the crap from the past dictate what you can and can not do, your brain will go into survival mode 24/7 and tell you all the ways you should inhibit your life to protect itself from these newfound “dangers.” I don’t know about you but I’ve come to the conclusion that my brain is an unreliable you-know-what sometimes.

I know I can’t achieve my goals overnight, and I also know that is okay. I am beginning to learn how to push myself in a healthy way, and that it is normal to continuously adjust to the ever changing resistance we feel in this world… that is how we get stuff done. These rules set in mother nature are fair and they can be utilized to my advantage. And though I have been questioning my love for science and branching out, I also realized that it still has my back and I will hold all of its lesson close to my heart.

mental health

My personal journey with depression

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Going back through the past and owning it as part of myself has been a hard journey. However, I think it is completely necessary to face all of the ugly parts of ourselves but also truly feeling good about the good parts of yourself. Admitting all of it has been very healing and has broken some of those walls I have put up in my mind from repressing what I thought was bad about myself.

I have really been dragged through the mud these past few months. Though I may have reached a low point in my life, I feel that it accelerated the uphill healing that I needed. This is because for most of my life I felt numb. I would see horrible things and have horrible things occur to me and my family… but I felt nothing. Because of this numbness I started to self harm. I was about 13. I thought for some reason that it would open up whatever was blocking my emotions. Plot twist… it didn’t.

Self harming made me more closed off and I quickly fell into one of my first long depression spells. I did not care about what I looked like anymore. I blanked out for most of the day at school. No one ever mentioned anything, or maybe others assumed something was going on at home. I was just floating through life.

I remember the adults around me were always explaining to me how my life was going to go and how I have to do this and think about a college major. I most definitely needed to heal before I could run but no one knew what was going on in my head. I barely knew because it was my normal. I was starting to feel overwhelmed. Then came my anxiety.

I kept feeling like my heart was going to explode and though I was fit, I was running out of breath even going up a flight of stairs to a class I was stressed about. When I would hear heavy critiques from my mom or if a random guy was catcalling me at the mall, I would get this same feeling. The only things I felt at the time was this void or the feeling I was having a heart attack.

One day the dark cloud went away, and I went along with my seemingly normal life like nothing had ever happened. Years passed and I was suddenly 16. By this time, I really pushed away any thoughts I had that might upset the people around me, like my family or mentors. I looked like how I thought they wanted me to look and I did what I thought they wanted me to do. I received a lot of positive praise for this as well. I had this false feeling of peace. I still had the void and this numbness but life was good, I had no complaints.

When I went away to college and spent more time alone in my single dorm room, the dark cloud returned. Combined with stress and being at a college I did not want to be at, surrounded by people who had completely different views than me at a small catholic college, I became depressed again. I would just study and go back to my dorm without eating to just sleep in the dark. I performed well in school my first year but felt I was barely hanging on. I think my summer job as a lifeguard with all of my best friends that summer truly saved me to return me back to my “normal” self.

Up until this point, I thought it was completely normal to have constant negative thoughts abut myself. I did not like a single thing about myself and I did not know why. I constantly wanted to (and still do most times) be invisible. I thought I was not worthy of anything I wanted and I was not excited about life.

Sophomore year, the depression came back. Classes were difficult, I was realizing more and more I did not align with anyone I was spending my time with. I did not feel I had a safe space anywhere. Though shit was bad, this time the depression came with all of my emotions. I felt as if all of my repressed emotions over the years were spilling out and were out of my control. I was crying all of the time. Lying about why I was crying because it would come out randomly in class or in meetings. I was having constant migraines, neck and back pain, and grinding my teeth. My health was at its all time lowest point.

And though I was experiencing emotional roller coasters all day, deep down I was happy because I felt more human. I felt so much better to be able to genuinely cry and experience emotions other than that void. There was still so much fear in me but I was beginning my healing process. Memories from my past were coming up and I felt like I wasn’t blacked out all day. I felt present in my body. Through this intense period of my life, I decided to make major changes. I transferred colleges and made the decision to go against my parent’s wishes. I hung out with people I liked and decided to cultivate a life I wanted.

Beginning of junior year. A friend from life guarding committed suicide. I grieved. It was a wake up call that I need to do everything in my power to help myself when I am feeling my mental health is not quite right. I told myself I would not be ashamed anymore or tell myself it was not a big deal. I would reach out for help no matter what my pride and ego told me. I learned how powerful our connections with other people are. I slowly scraped myself off the ground and decided to keep moving forward.

Senior year. I was appreciating myself more. I was setting boundaries with the people in my life. I felt so happy this year. I was feeling accomplished and I felt ready to bloom into my next self. However, I was still unsure about what my next self would look like, and I thought the answer would magically come to me if I waited long enough. I was going to therapy. I was taking care of myself.

Now. I have been learning, healing, taking steps forward and steps back for the past two years since I’ve been in grad school. I have accomplished things I never thought were possible and I am excited about the future. I am thinking about peace corps and yoga teacher training and more schooling and just how to live my life the way I want to. I understand my depression will always come and go but I can always rise above it. It can be a part of me but it does not have to define me. I have permission to grow. I have permission to heal. I can be whoever I want to be.

I love my thick afro

I love my skin

I love my hairy legs

I love my arms

I love my scar on my breast

I love how flexible I am

I love how far I can run

I love my voice

I love my eyes

I am smart

I am worthy

I am whole

mental health

When the Ego Takes Over

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I spent this weekend hanging out with family and friends, as well as binge watching YouTube, pretty ordinary. However, during that time I spent relaxing I felt a sudden urge to dive deep into the Id, Ego, and Superego. Even though this is a concept I have encountered countless amount of times in school, I wanted to really research Freud’s theory and how it is interpreted by others. After seeing that freaking iceberg more times than I would have liked, it finally clicked with me…. I have a major problem with my ego.

I know this might sound obvious to others. Of course it seems I have a problem with my ego since I have anxiety, I’m afraid to voice my concerns to other people, etc. But it was not obvious to me. When I think about someone’s ego, I think about a fragile man ego. One who lashes out easily and is not composed (no offense…). But I believed myself to be the exact opposite of that. I soon realized that it didn’t matter, neither are healthy. I’ve learned as much about as much as an ego can be loud an boisterous, it can be fearful, ashamed, and self-defeating… just like my own.

The Id

I’s like to start by saying my knowledge on Freud’s theory is still very basic, but I will go through my interpretation regardless. In short, the id is the part of your personality present from birth. It is driven by the pleasure principle and by your immediate needs. This component is important because it was essential to your survival early on in life but becomes a problem in later in adulthood. As someone matures, they learn to control the unrealistic id with the superego and ego. However, if one is always listening to their id because of problems with the ego and superego, major issues can arise with your personality and relationships (and eventually quality of life).

The Superego

Learning more about the superego was very useful and intriguing to me because it was an aspect of myself that I thought was the strongest. I am someone who exercises daily, started a journey towards vegetarianism in middle school, and is always holding my tongue…. well as you can guess this is not all good, but let’s go into what the superego is. The superego is actually one of the last components to develop as it holds all of our internalized moral standards that we acquire from out culture and our parents. It tells you if a decision you are making or an experience is good or bad, regardless of the objective facts of the situation. This is very important because this means the superego is dependent on a person’s experiences….. I really let that sink in. I knew deep down that when I see another person doing something differently than I would do it, that they are not necessarily always wrong, but I never used that thought process on myself. When I feel shame or guilt about something I do that is not wrong in any way shape or form, it is my experiences making me feel this way. Which leads us to the ego.

My Ego

The ego is what is responsible for dealing with reality and it weighs the costs and benefits of an action to make sure both the id and superego are satisfied. I mentioned earlier that I feel like my ego is fearful, ashamed, and self-defeating… well knowing that the ego is in this constant balancing act between the id and superego, this aspect of myself is probably strained. And the reason why it feels so strained is because it is not strong enough. My ego has not been strengthened to withstand the constant pressure from the id and superego because it has been ignored by me. I have not dealt with my past afflictions head on and learned from my ego. My ego is also not something to be controlled. I need to feel my ego but know that it is not a defining right or wrong for me, I can objectively look at situations without the judgement from my strained ego. I have also fallen down the rabbit hole of learning about death to your ego and how the ego is just an illusion. And though I do not think I have to kill my ego to be free of it, I feel that recognizing that it doesn’t have to rule your life is a way to start the healing process. Developing a healthy and well coordinated ego is how you break out of the imaginary chains you are in. I feel that the ego needs to be healthy and functioning to make proper decisions and judgement calls but it should not rule you.

How I am strengthening my ego

Realizing nothing stays fixed or unchanged. Things are constantly moving and evolving whether we notice or not. My external environment made my ego and it is/was far from perfect. Forgiving myself for not knowing everything and coming to terms with my childhood is key. Knowing my decisions might not always be perfect but to just be aware of the seeds I am planting. I am not responsible for other people’s experiences. I am not responsible for making everyone around me happy and comfortable. If something unpleasant does occur, learning to accept the reality of the situation, voice any concerns, and grow in that discomfort. Be humble. Always put my long-term happiness first.

End ❤

mental health

Back in the office after burnout

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I mentioned briefly before that I took a break from work due to mental exhaustion. Pushing myself and not setting the proper boundaries pushed me into depression for a short period of time. You would think having a two week break to just focus on you would allow you to be completely recharged and to be better suited for the emotional roller coasters you face throughout the work day upon your return… well you thought wrong.

During the break, I did put in a significant amount of time focusing on myself and learned a lot about what my body needed to function properly. I thought this would be all I needed to take on my stressful work environment. I also did ease my way back in with my first day just attending a training and doing no desk or lab work. Then someone tell me why was it that I wanted to just cry during my first meeting. I also felt even more nervous than before being around some of the people that triggered my anxiety in the first place.

After spending time in therapy, I uncovered that my response has been completely normal considering the amount of stress I have been through. However, that does not change the fact that some things that I was put through at work had been completely unacceptable. Learning to trust my instincts and acknowledge my anxiety instead of thinking every emotion I feel is wrong because of my mental health problem has been helping a lot.

I am slowly but surely feeling better in and outside of work and gaining more confidence. That does not mean I am not fearful that something will said to me might shatter it completely. However, I am working on facing those fears head on now instead of ignoring them. Why do I feel like I want to cry if someone insults my past? What are the objective facts of the situation? How do I view the situation? How might someone from the ‘outside’ view this situation? How can I confront the issue in a healthy way? I used these questions as well as some things I have learned during my break while I have been back to cope with all of my feelings:

Learning to separate work from your identity is a must. You do not need to be your work. You do not need to work 24/7 to feel accomplished. Life is so hard and messy and every aspect of it deserves attention. Listen to your body and learn what you want out of life. Work towards building that up. 100 years from now, you having a certain dollar amount in your bank account will mean absolutely nothing. Think instead about how you can incorporate what truly matters to you in your life and how much money you would need to do that.

I’ve also learned to stop holding onto material things. Have you ever had or seen a roommate who meticulously labels all of there things and is constantly accusing you of touching or even breathing near their stuff. Well, I actually haven’t but I’ve had friends who had and it seems so illogical. Ask yourself why a situation is making you upset and if it truly is the situation at hand or your own ego.

And last but not least, everything is temporary. These feelings are temporary, that boss is temporary, this moment is temporary…. the list can go on and on. So do what matters to you because the only thing that will be consistent in this lifetime is you…

This post might be all over the place but this is what has been on my mind. Getting back into work after time off is tough no matter what but it was probably the best decision of this year. Take care of yourself peeps.

mental health

Knowing Boundaries- Work Life with Anxiety and Depression

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Today, I returned back to work full time after a two week hiatus due to my mental problems and also some chronic physical problems that got out of hand due to stress at work. Coming back after a mental health break is a lot tougher than you think. You assume you are going to be so refreshed and ready to jump back into your work like nothing ever happened. I am here to tell you the ups and downs of being a young professional who had to take a mental health break, the obstacles I am facing getting back into it, and the many mistakes I have made in the process.

BOUNDARIES

Well first lets briefly talk about why I had to take this break in the first place. It was mainly due to the fact I did not understand a little concept called BOUNDARIES. So, during the month of May I worked every day (including weekends), covering work that should’ve been spread across 3 more people, working from 7am to 8pm (and sometimes 11pm) each day, and oh yea I don’t get paid for overtime. I just had to work late and be there to do it all over again the next morning. The only day I had off was for my graduation from my Masters program and then the next morning at 7am I was back at it. Most days I did not have time for a lunch break or even a bathroom break because of the experiments going on were very time dependent. I also spent all of my time there in a windowless dim room to do my in vivo (experiments being done in an animal) work. Towards the end of the month, I was crying every day in the bathroom and eventually I just had to cry while doing experiments because I did not have the time to dry my eyes in the bathroom. Why Demi…. why would you do this…..

I do want to preface this by saying there were a couple of circumstances that lead to this awful month of May. People were let go on my team unexpectedly and the managers who are a little dissociated from the work we do let everyone else go on vacation during this period and did not realize until everyone was leaving. There were also several important experiments that we were in the thick of and nothing could wait for the rest of my team to get back. That was the reason I accepted to tackle all of these responsibilities in the first place but looking back it was HUGE MISTAKE. I should’ve had better boundaries with my management to get the appropriate amount of help and compensation for the work I was going to provide. I should’ve said no and this is a scary thing to even think about but saying no and working through a better solution would’ve been better for everyone in the long run.

THE FALL

I ended up making a lot of mistakes (shocker) during this period. And getting reprimanded for those mistakes under those stressful circumstances started to make me spiral. Not only was I crying at work due to the stress but I would come home and just drink whatever alcohol I had in the apartment by myself, something that is unlike me. I was just in so much turmoil I truly could not think clearly enough to adequately cope. I would just get really drunk and crash in bed, then just get up and go through my work day or what I felt like was torture all over again. Even after May was over, and my team was back, I felt defeated. I kept making mistakes at work and was put on a probation for a week.

What a probation at my job means is that I was not going to be performing any wet lab or animal experiments anymore, I was mostly going to be working at my desk, doing online trainings, and also going to in person trainings. That week was awful for me. I was crying all of the time, I felt so anxious, embarrassed, and thought so negatively of myself. I just wished I had set better boundaries to have avoided this situation in the first place because as I know I am capable of getting the work done, I knew it was too much for one person to handle. And given my history of mental health problems, I should’ve known it might push me too much in the wrong direction. Also, during this time I did not have time to go to my weekly therapy appointments, and had not talked to my therapist for the entirety of May when I needed it most.

GETTING BACK UP (AGAIN)

The best thing I did to help me get back on track was calling my psychiatrist. I called the office (after that awful week on probation) and said I was having some problems, can I be seen soon. I went in a few days later and just broke down crying for the first time in her office. I told her what had been going on and we worked on a plan to get better and cope. We planned on increasing my medication, taking two week medical leave, more regular visits with my therapist, exercising, and focusing on building a routine that puts me more at ease.

Most people think this sounds great, two weeks to do whatever you want… absolutely wrong. Though a mental disorder is invisible to most people, it definitely felt just as hard as recovering from the concussion I had in high school. The first few days are difficult, especially with an increase in medication. I was sleeping all of the time, I felt disgusting and not like myself. My apartment was a mess and it made me feel like a slob. I felt lost and I felt I was watching everyone else live their lives while I was trapped. But as the days went on and I opened my blinds to let the light into my room, I started to feel my mood turn around. You start out with small tasks like cleaning and getting outside on a walk everyday. Then you can get into working out daily, practicing that instrument, writing that blog post, etc. Then you can finally open you work email and get up to date on what is going on to be prepared when you get back.

GOING BACK TO WHERE IT STARTED

And all of that leads us to today, where I was truly back in the work place full time. To be honest it was a lot more triggering than I thought it was going to be. Just seeing some of the people there caused my to feel a knot in my chest. I am still doing mostly desk work but I am not on probation anymore. However, it was today I realized another BIG MISTAKE I had made which was letting my immediate management have access to my doctor’s note.

Technically your Human Resource department should be given those doctors’ notes especially for a situation as intimate as mine. My management knew this information but asked for my doctor’s note anyways and I was told after the fact to give this the HR. Honestly, I was not thinking straight when I was first put on leave and should’ve really dug deep into the proper procedures. But at this point I think everyone in the workplace knows this was a mental issue, aka management has no boundaries here. I know it is just my perspective but I definitely worry about being viewed differently and not being given projects because of my mental disorder that though I did not disclose to them, they probably figured out.

Maybe I am just spiraling, maybe things are normal but that does not change the fact that I had an anxiety attack today because of all of these thoughts. And even though they got 4 (yes you heard that right) people to do what I was doing and there are even more mistakes now than there was when it was just me alone, I am still not allowed to be back on that study due to my breakdown.

At the end of the day there is no changing this situation and all I can do is move forward with what I have learned during these past 2 months. Even though it might be 1000x harder to exercise boundaries as a person with social anxiety or any other mental problem, please advocate for yourself because you are the only person who knows what is best for you. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

❤

mental health

The Art of Calming the F*** Down

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These past two weeks have been extremely challenging for me. As I continue going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist, I start seeing more of my inner demons rise to the surface of my consciousness. That combined with extreme stress at work pushed me into being an emotional wreck. So I truly dedicated these past two weeks to really getting to know myself and how to face these demons every day without giving into them.

Here are a few things I did to get myself out of a moderate depression spell…

Go Outside– Just getting outside even for a short period of time, even when I looked a hot mess and had my headscarf on, this really helped me in the long run. It sounds so simple but as my anxiety sets in I feel like I just sit inside and watch the world go by. I watch other people enjoy it from the inside out my apartment and feel I am not worthy of being apart of that bigger world. Once you step outside you are a part of it and I actually pushed myself to also walk to different places in my city. From that I was able to find some very serene parks and hidden city gems I wouldn’t have found otherwise. Another great thing going outside does is give you inspiration. I see someone reading by a fountain then I feel more motivated to read by the fountain. Or I see people running so I feel more of an urge to go running. Whatever sparks your interest can probably be found outside your apartment… trust me.

Exercise- Exercise was a top priority during this time period. Getting out of your headspace even for 30 mins and doing some type of repetitive movement significantly lowers my anxiety levels. I usually do not exercise daily but when I feel this down I make sure I set aside time for some type of movement, whether it be yoga or running, on a daily basis. For yoga I usually do it on my own in the morning combined with mediation. Or I go to a group yoga class for 1 hour. If I am running I will try to run outside around some nice scenery for around 100 minutes. This is not something I can do all the time but with proper pre- and post- workout care I like to keep up with this routine for a short period.

Creative Outlets- I have been playing my ukulele more and writing on this blog. This can be anything under the sun you want to do and you don’t even have to be good at it or work towards any reward. Do what makes you feel good.

Journaling– Journaling is probably the hardest thing to get back into when I am feeling this way. When I really started to get back into it two weeks ago, my brain was all over the place and it showed in my writing. I first just started to word vomit all of my feelings over some pages. I am showing one before and after example below just as a reference (and this was not even the worse of it… the ones from before are too angry to be put out into the world)

  • End of week 1 journal entry
  • Middle of week 2 journal entry

Then as time went on I started to develop a routine that helped me get my thoughts straight, and so did my journaling habits. I started out with expressing gratitude. Every morning I would write out at least 3 things I am grateful for. And then if I wanted to write more about my goals and intentions for the day I would, but starting with writing the cheesy things I was grateful for really helped with my overall mood and perspective for the day… which leads me to the last thing that helped me get out of my funk

Morning/Evening Routines- Everyone (at least in my world) has explained to me the importance of some sort of routine. For the longest time I thought I could never get behind it because I felt as if life is so unpredictable, it’s boring to have routines, it means I’m getting old… all of the phrases of denial. But the truth is that as a human being, your brain thrives on having these routines. I am saying this as a researcher who had studied science for 6+ years but suffered because I still did not let it seep in that we are not invincible. Having a routine to follow so my brain knows where to start and end every day really is helping me live a better life as well as stay more organized. I still have a long way to go but I was able to start by just googling morning and evening routines. I went through a bunch on YouTube (don’t get trapped for hours like I did) and looked for different aspects in other people’s routines that spoke to me. It is going to take a lot of trial and error and adjusting for certain out of the norm events such as travel but I challenge you to also set out to find something that works for you.

You are worth the investment.

❤

travel

Solo Travel Notes- Paris, France

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Allons-y! Allons-y!

This is the first thing I hear after a bumpy start to my Paris trip. As I wait for my Airbnb host to pick me up (so grateful for that), I just look around and let it set in that I am actually in Paris. Met my host and took a long train ride and bus ride to my temporary home. I spent the first night taking an extra hot shower after the long journey, playing french music, and reading the french dictionary…. I should’ve brushed up on my french before getting here.

Day 1

The next morning I wake up and pinch myself as the view was so beautiful. Paris has such a warm and inviting feeling to it, even when the weather is a bit chilly. At this moment, seeing the sun rise as I got ready to head out for a relaxing day, my breath is just taken away at the sights.

  • On Balcony

After taking in the sites, I was off to catch the train back into the city to head to the Tour de Eiffel for a lunch at 58 Tour Eiffel restaurant and also to just explore. The restaurant had a fancy feel to it and you prepay for the meal so you can just eat and enjoy without worrying about prices. There were a lot of other American tourists who were enjoying their meal as well. I would say this is more of a couple and family style restaurant than a solo one. It was a nice experience but I probably wouldn’t go again by myself.

I was able to spend as much time as I wanted inside the Tour de Eiffel after the meal, just looking around and soaking up the sun on the wooden “porch” inside the tower. I do want to say that the restaurant pass came in so clutch for skipping the line to get into the tower. There were no people in the restaurant line outside the tower to get in but it looked like well over an hour wait time for the other lines. It allowed me to walk around the gardens inside the tower and enjoy the views before it got too crowded.

I then checked out the small festivities happening outside the tower. There was a flee market going on where I got some rings from this super nice jewelry maker. He also told me about how to avoid pickpockets in Paris and overall was able to have a nice time enjoying the music, food, and other fun games. I also saw the dancers that were performing on the lawn in front of the tower.. typical city living but a more beautiful setting.

Day 2

The second day was when I set up a bike tour around the palace of Versailles. I got up on another beautiful morning, had some surprisingly amazing pancakes at a Starbucks, and I met my tour group in the city. We were led via train to Versailles. I got to choose a special bike, mine was called pain au chocolate for chocolate croissant. I was guided through the city with my tour guide, and we even got some snacks for a picnic. I was able to practice my french in the marketplace in Versailles, where local people go to get their daily dose of fresh fruits/veggies and their fresh baguettes. I fell in love with some goat cheese there, got some grapes, wine, and bread and was on my way.

The bike ride was incredible and so freeing. It was not as busy as being in the heart of Paris so I was actually able to comfortable bike on the roads and in the parks. I learned more about french history and got to enjoy a tipsy bike ride to the museums. I then just bathed in the architecture and history of France as I made my way through the crowded museums on the beautiful day. Looking back I wish I had taken so many more pictures but I was definitely feeling my social anxiety kick in and it was hard to take out my camera when I was by myself in the crowds.

I was able to make my way back to my Airbnb after a long day of being up since 6am. I just enjoyed a quick dinner in the main train station in Paris, Gare St. Lazare and sprinted back to my bed. My heart was really full after this day as I met so many nice people and I traveled so far on my own. Excited for the next few days on the town.

❤

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Being Unlikable

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My whole life or at least for as long as I could remember, I’ve always wanted to be liked. By my parents, then my teachers, and even random people on the street. I would always pull out all the stops I could to be liked for reasons I did not understand. Whenever I wanted to make a choice for myself and knew others might frown upon it, I would hesitate and think more about the other person than myself. This included things from the clubs I joined to the clothes I wear.

Obviously that was not a healthy way to live and it took a significant toll on me. I did not know who I was anymore and I felt lost. My anxiety has also been heightened whenever I faced criticism. I felt overwhelmed trying to please everyone. I wanted to break this cycle so desperately but the thought of just ignoring everyone’s wishes was too daunting.

I then realized I had to practice being unlikable to make these feelings manageable. What did that mean? Well I knew I had to take small steps of “rebellion” to break my current perspective. My perspective that was holding me down so much was that I always felt that everyone was judging everything about me. Mostly due to me being harshly criticized by family all throughout my childhood… Once I realized that my thoughts are not the reality I could then step outside and begin becoming unlikable. 

Nobody cares what you are doing or what you look like because they are too engulfed in their own world

I have heard this quote countless times but I really let it seep in during these past few months. I still repeat it to myself whenever I start to feel overwhelmed about the way I look or the way I feel others are looking at me. This saying is something I still use almost every time I go out in public to combat my social anxiety.

Get hairy

As a woman, I have felt the extreme pressure to shave every bit of my body without letting even the stubble show. This led to anxiety around getting ready to go out and sometimes would cause me to not even make it out of my house. So for a while I truly stopped shaving everything. Not only that but I still wore shorts and other outfits that I liked and it was freeing. I also realized that I liked not shaving my legs and it make life a lot easier. These are practices that I don’t have to adhere to very strictly now but it did make me feel closer to myself.

Be loud

For me this was a big one as I have (and still do sometimes) want to become invisible in public and try to make myself as small and quiet as possible. To combat this I did the things I was afraid of that might cause too much “noise”. I play my ukulele more in my apartment with the windows open and I sing. At first I felt disgusted by hearing my voice, but with practice, being loud got so much easier. Other things that go along with being loud is standing up for yourself in conversations, voicing your opinions, getting a nose piercing, or any tattoo that you wanted.

What all of these exercises were really teaching me was how to just be me. I want to truly be myself. To do that you have to start in such small steps but confidence does truly build with practice. There is also no use in comparing what you feel is confidence to other people. Keep in mind you are only seeing a small portion of them and you never know what they might admire in you. Be true to you, and practice it every day as it will be very worthwhile.

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To be, or not to be

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April has been a transformative month… I think I have reached some of my lowest and most at peace points in my life within a 30 day period and I am starting to see the point of all that torture. Firstly, I want to begin with saying my mental health has been a hell of a lot better these days. I have been on my medication for a longer period of time, I took my exam, I left the country… I am doing okay. My medication dose was increased halfway through the month, which I cried about, but it was definitely for the better. I am also not a numb zombie, what my biggest fear was and what comes up first when you deep dive into blogs about taking anti-depressants…. Actually listening to my doctor was a necessity.

However, I do want to point out I think the relationship I have with my doctor and therapist is what makes this all work. It has taken a while to find someone who sees me and my problems and just doesn’t try to write it off in a prescription. This sounds awful but I am normally the person to not listen to my doctor… even though I study medicine, after my childhood doctor passed away and a couple of negative experiences with doctors afterwards…. it takes a lot for me to take a new medication (besides getting my shots, including my flu shot I take every year.. please get yo shots) if it does not feel absolutely needed. If I was dying of syphilis of course I’ll take the medication but having a doctor tell me oh just take an anxiolytic to help with your heart palpitations… I think I’ll have to get a second opinion first before I keel over (yes this is real scenario, I have a heart murmur so I was concerned to say the least).

What I am saying is sometimes doctors don’t see the whole patient and when you lose a long term provider like I did, it is extremely hard for a new doctor to be sure of the right treatment plan before getting to know you. But everything is normally very fast paced and there is pressure to cure everything fast so no one takes their time. There is also definite underlying bias I have felt from providers being I am a queer African American woman. After enduring a whole lot of sh*t, I finally found a female provider who really listens to everything I say and I have been feeling more confident in my understanding of my mental issues, including how to battle them.

It has taken me years to get to a point of almost peace. I am still grinding my teeth at night but every day for the past two weeks I have been looking around and thinking everything is going to be okay. It feels as if something has clicked recently.

I’ve long heard that teachers never know exactly how children learn how to read. They teach about letters and sentence structure and then they practice, practice, practice with the kids. Then all of a sudden it all just clicks. It isn’t perfect reading but it flows together. That is something that often comes to mind when I think about this part of my life. I am now beginning to really accept my whole self. I am beginning to understand that I don’t have to fit in a box or fit a label, and I don’t have to be perfect at everything I do. That thought process actually hinders me in life. I just want to be.


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Rumination

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I hate the fact that I ruminate an uncomfortable amount almost every single day. I go to therapy sessions weekly, I am sticking to a medication (whether or not you agree with the use of medications). I like to think I am improving ,but even on days where everything seems to be going perfectly, all I can think of is what can go wrong.

Today was a good day. I have a trip coming up where I will be going back to Iceland for 3 days and then to France for a week. I’ve always wanted to go to France and I am promising myself to put these wants first this year. So I am just going to go, alone again as usual. I am terrified to tell my parents I am leaving again, I feel like I am turning into a rebel child. I also might give in to my urges I have had for years to get a piercing (and a tattoo because why not). And so far things have been falling into place for me to make these things happen but I just… worry.

I worry about losing something important, I worry about what others might think of me, I worry about what my future self would think of this, and I worry about letting people down. One thing that I am realizing is that none of those worries should matter, it should just matter what I think and how I feel. I am excited for all the changes that are happening in my life but I am also terrified of upsetting someone or ruining something and seeing it all be torn down. A reason I think I live in fear.

I worry about not being enough. I worry about being too boring or too quiet or too dumb. I worry that even though I had a positive first interaction with someone the other day, the second interaction will probably be crap.

I do not know why I feel this way even though I know it is not rational. It is hard to do anything with these thoughts on your mind, I could stare into blank space for hours. I am getting better though, with mediation, yoga, exercise, chosen family, my lovely cat, and my doctors. Everyday I try and make little improvements to let these thoughts pass me by. Lately I’ve been stuck in a rut due to pressure at school and work and from my parents. And on top of that I am struggling with being proud of my identity and true self in any setting.

For now I just want to accept and reflect on who I am so I get to a place where I don’t need to approval of others to live my life.