Today, I returned back to work full time after a two week hiatus due to my mental problems and also some chronic physical problems that got out of hand due to stress at work. Coming back after a mental health break is a lot tougher than you think. You assume you are going to be so refreshed and ready to jump back into your work like nothing ever happened. I am here to tell you the ups and downs of being a young professional who had to take a mental health break, the obstacles I am facing getting back into it, and the many mistakes I have made in the process.

BOUNDARIES

Well first lets briefly talk about why I had to take this break in the first place. It was mainly due to the fact I did not understand a little concept called BOUNDARIES. So, during the month of May I worked every day (including weekends), covering work that should’ve been spread across 3 more people, working from 7am to 8pm (and sometimes 11pm) each day, and oh yea I don’t get paid for overtime. I just had to work late and be there to do it all over again the next morning. The only day I had off was for my graduation from my Masters program and then the next morning at 7am I was back at it. Most days I did not have time for a lunch break or even a bathroom break because of the experiments going on were very time dependent. I also spent all of my time there in a windowless dim room to do my in vivo (experiments being done in an animal) work. Towards the end of the month, I was crying every day in the bathroom and eventually I just had to cry while doing experiments because I did not have the time to dry my eyes in the bathroom. Why Demi…. why would you do this…..

I do want to preface this by saying there were a couple of circumstances that lead to this awful month of May. People were let go on my team unexpectedly and the managers who are a little dissociated from the work we do let everyone else go on vacation during this period and did not realize until everyone was leaving. There were also several important experiments that we were in the thick of and nothing could wait for the rest of my team to get back. That was the reason I accepted to tackle all of these responsibilities in the first place but looking back it was HUGE MISTAKE. I should’ve had better boundaries with my management to get the appropriate amount of help and compensation for the work I was going to provide. I should’ve said no and this is a scary thing to even think about but saying no and working through a better solution would’ve been better for everyone in the long run.

THE FALL

I ended up making a lot of mistakes (shocker) during this period. And getting reprimanded for those mistakes under those stressful circumstances started to make me spiral. Not only was I crying at work due to the stress but I would come home and just drink whatever alcohol I had in the apartment by myself, something that is unlike me. I was just in so much turmoil I truly could not think clearly enough to adequately cope. I would just get really drunk and crash in bed, then just get up and go through my work day or what I felt like was torture all over again. Even after May was over, and my team was back, I felt defeated. I kept making mistakes at work and was put on a probation for a week.

What a probation at my job means is that I was not going to be performing any wet lab or animal experiments anymore, I was mostly going to be working at my desk, doing online trainings, and also going to in person trainings. That week was awful for me. I was crying all of the time, I felt so anxious, embarrassed, and thought so negatively of myself. I just wished I had set better boundaries to have avoided this situation in the first place because as I know I am capable of getting the work done, I knew it was too much for one person to handle. And given my history of mental health problems, I should’ve known it might push me too much in the wrong direction. Also, during this time I did not have time to go to my weekly therapy appointments, and had not talked to my therapist for the entirety of May when I needed it most.

GETTING BACK UP (AGAIN)

The best thing I did to help me get back on track was calling my psychiatrist. I called the office (after that awful week on probation) and said I was having some problems, can I be seen soon. I went in a few days later and just broke down crying for the first time in her office. I told her what had been going on and we worked on a plan to get better and cope. We planned on increasing my medication, taking two week medical leave, more regular visits with my therapist, exercising, and focusing on building a routine that puts me more at ease.

Most people think this sounds great, two weeks to do whatever you want… absolutely wrong. Though a mental disorder is invisible to most people, it definitely felt just as hard as recovering from the concussion I had in high school. The first few days are difficult, especially with an increase in medication. I was sleeping all of the time, I felt disgusting and not like myself. My apartment was a mess and it made me feel like a slob. I felt lost and I felt I was watching everyone else live their lives while I was trapped. But as the days went on and I opened my blinds to let the light into my room, I started to feel my mood turn around. You start out with small tasks like cleaning and getting outside on a walk everyday. Then you can get into working out daily, practicing that instrument, writing that blog post, etc. Then you can finally open you work email and get up to date on what is going on to be prepared when you get back.

GOING BACK TO WHERE IT STARTED

And all of that leads us to today, where I was truly back in the work place full time. To be honest it was a lot more triggering than I thought it was going to be. Just seeing some of the people there caused my to feel a knot in my chest. I am still doing mostly desk work but I am not on probation anymore. However, it was today I realized another BIG MISTAKE I had made which was letting my immediate management have access to my doctor’s note.

Technically your Human Resource department should be given those doctors’ notes especially for a situation as intimate as mine. My management knew this information but asked for my doctor’s note anyways and I was told after the fact to give this the HR. Honestly, I was not thinking straight when I was first put on leave and should’ve really dug deep into the proper procedures. But at this point I think everyone in the workplace knows this was a mental issue, aka management has no boundaries here. I know it is just my perspective but I definitely worry about being viewed differently and not being given projects because of my mental disorder that though I did not disclose to them, they probably figured out.

Maybe I am just spiraling, maybe things are normal but that does not change the fact that I had an anxiety attack today because of all of these thoughts. And even though they got 4 (yes you heard that right) people to do what I was doing and there are even more mistakes now than there was when it was just me alone, I am still not allowed to be back on that study due to my breakdown.

At the end of the day there is no changing this situation and all I can do is move forward with what I have learned during these past 2 months. Even though it might be 1000x harder to exercise boundaries as a person with social anxiety or any other mental problem, please advocate for yourself because you are the only person who knows what is best for you. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

❤