Birds chirping
Wind blowing
Smell of fresh laundry
Slurping sounds in the kitchen
Laughter outside
All is still okay
All posts by Demi
Dealing with PTSD after a bad work environment
So a while ago I talked about taking a break due to burnout at my previous job and then I talked about quitting that job. Well now, I’ve been in a new work environment but I am still dealing with triggers from my old work environment.
For a while, I was crying every day at my new job feeling judged by others or that they were all going to turn against me. Even when my new boss was giving me praise, I was bracing for the yelling and abuse that would follow. I still deal with these emotions from time to time now. But the bottom line is that I was still feeling all of these strong emotions without the stimulus actually being present.
My therapist brought up the point that I was probably dealing with PTSD after being in a period of stress for so long. We talked about how PTSD can occur from any traumatic event, and is not always from things such as coming back from war. We associate PTSD with veterans frequently but she reminded me that it is okay to acknowledge that I was also going through PTSD symptoms myself.
It took me a while to accept that I needed to acknowledge the trauma I went through and sit with those uncomfortable feelings. I wanted to leave that place and all the emotions behind with it, but I learned quite quickly that wasn’t going to be the case.
I am now learning to deal with my PTSD with different therapy exercises I have been doing. I have been doing better at managing my emotions at my new workplace and I hope to take these skills to my next career move in my PhD program.
Though this experience was one of the toughest emotional endeavors I’ve dealt with, it made me realize all the emotional baggage other employees bring to a different workplace and to be conscious of that. I never realized how much a previous work experience can impact you when it is so negative and how it sneakily embeds itself into your self confidence and self worth overall. I feel I have become a more empathetic person and more understanding throughout this process.
Though I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone else, I do see the silver lining within it.
I Ordered An Electric Pottery Wheel
Okay, so hear me out. In an attempt to shake up my quarantine routine activities I thought I would take up pottery making. I got the clay, I already have paint, I got the gloss, and now I am waiting on the wheel.
I have been watching countless videos on how to throw my clay and I couldn’t wait to dive in. Except today when I questioned if I am just going quarantine crazy and realized I wouldn’t normally buy a pottery wheel.
Don’t get me wrong I am very excited to start this new hobby but what about quarantine is making me want to do all of these new arts and crafts? Why am I bored of my routine already though I stuck to a routine throughout the other days of the year without a problem?
I think though I am sticking to a routine, I am getting bored because the whole day is kind of like bleh. There are no extreme ups and downs as there were normally and my whole life is kind of feeling like I am stuck on a self care Sunday island… and I was starting to feel antsy on the island.
So I decided I wanted to make pottery. And that is what I am going to do and I think it is a healthy way to channel my energy. I will keep you updated on my progress and if you have any tips please please comment down below.
Rest
I rest when my body says to rest.
I have learned this lesson,
Brutally.
How I’ve been Managing My Corona Anxiety
I woke up this morning actually feeling okay and at peace with myself. And though today is not any different than most of my days, I’ve noticed my perspective has changed and opened up some more room for other things in my brain.
I am still on my daily anxiolytic and having teleTHERAPY but I wanted to share what I have been doing to manage my anxiety at home.
Accepting what is
A lot of my anxiety was caused by me focusing on when all of this will be over with. I wanted to just sleep through this period of my life and wake up when it was all over. I was not focusing on the here and now and what my needs were because I just wanted the problem to be fixed. But as time went on and after I did some more meditating and therapy, I am starting to accept what is right now.
After accepting this as my current life, I am learning to do what feels best for me in this new life. Because nothing is keeping me back from learning more, and exploring more within myself.
Giving myself time for freak outs
Even though I am accepting more of what is, I am still prone to freak outs. Ones where I am over thinking and I am thinking about how things were before the pandemic or I worry about catching the virus… I could go on and on. I feel it is fine for me to have these moments as long as they are not taking over my whole day. So, I have been putting in about 30 minute blocks in my schedule for freak outs and I am trying to decrease the amount of time and blocks as time goes on.
This way, I have scheduled time for a freak out and then I can move on with my day.
I meditate
Now that I do have the time in my day, I meditate. Even if it is for 5 minutes or at the end of my at home yoga practice, I take some time with my thoughts. I try to keep it away from my anxieties and more about growth and improvement within myself. Also working through other traumas that are holding me back in life.
What are you doing to cope with your anxieties?
Let Go
Let go of what is not serving you…
Social Anxiety
I was dreading a phone call with my boss earlier today. I was thinking of all the different ways I could postpone it or get out of it. I was pacing thinking about interacting with him over the phone and overthinking the way the conversation might go.
Even in a quarantined world, my social anxiety is still alive and well.
When I was kid, my family always said I was just shy. But little did they know me being around people gave me a migraine and made my jaw clench so tight that it would lock in place.
Fast forward back to today, when I was pacing around in my room. I told myself this is something I just have to do and that it won’t be so bad. And I quickly picked up the phone and called him. There were awkward moments for sure but I got through it. And sometimes that is what it takes to fight through my anxiety (and my medications).
It is an everyday fight but I just keep reminding myself that its all gonna be okay.
Comments about my PhD program that I just don’t want to hear
There are pros and cons to everything in life right? But for some reason when it comes to my PhD program everyone who hasn’t been in my program feels the need to jump in and tell me ALL of the cons. A PhD is already challenging but these comments make it just that much more difficult as you are getting through.
It’s a waste of time
I get it, most people can’t see themselves spending an extra 4+ years in school for a specific subject. But for me that is how the experts are made. I want to be an expert in my field and actually contribute something meaningful to it. That was not possible with just an undergraduate education.
You will be homeless/You will make no money
People always push on me that I will be some starving grad student during my program. I understand that is a real concern and some of the stipends if any are very small for graduate students. And I also understand that the job market is tough. However, knowing all of this information makes you better prepared and I am now receiving one of the highest stipends in the US for a grad program and I have an additional scholarship on top of that. I am aware of the issues but I also know that does not have to be the case for everyone.
You’ll never graduate
People talk about spending 10 years on a project to not have it work out in a graduate program. And though it may be true that some people spend an unnecessarily long time in their program compared to others, I also understand some of those reasons why. I already did a Masters alongside PhD students and know what I am getting myself into and choosing a good mentor is key for me graduating in a reasonable amount of time. I know what it takes and I am willing to take the risk that it may take me longer than expected to graduate. But that does not mean I will not be successful during or after my program.
Those are some of the comments I just don’t have time in my life and I am tired of hearing. What are some comments you’re tired of hearing about your career path??
AND To go along with the school theme I am linking where I find discounted textbooks and the Kindle E-reader so everyone can expand their learning during quarantine times:
Get 20% off a new Kindle E-reader
Shop Amazon – Used Textbooks – Save up to 90%
At the end of the day…
At the end of the day, I choose me.
I choose my happiness, my worry, my fear, and anxieties.
I choose my body, my life, my accomplishments.
I choose to love all of me and put myself above anything else.
It might not be at all times but at the end of each day,
I choose me.
Some of my favorite products for glowing skin you can find at the grocery store!
I personally live alone and I am able to get to the store if I need to for my essentials (and while I am there I do pick up some self care items). However, I understand not everyone has the luxury of being able to leave their residence. So here is what I have been loving for my self care days (some may have been featured before) with actual links to them.
ACURE Radically Rejuvenating Rose Argan Oil | 100% Vegan | Provides Anti-Aging Support | Pure, Cold Pressed & Rich in Vitamin E – Hydrates & Restores | 1 Fl Oz
My favorite face oil yet that I actually picked up from Whole Foods and never looked back.
Dry Brushing Body Brush – Round Exfoliating Brush, Body Brush, Dry Brush for Cellulite and Lymphatic Drainage Massager, Body Scrubber Brush for Skin & Body Exfoliator, Skin Brush
I looked up online how to properly dry brush and I love the exfoliation it does to my skin. Make sure to use before the shower and moisturize afterwards!
Thayers Alcohol-Free Rose Petal Witch Hazel Facial Toner with Aloe Vera Formula – 12 oz
I love using this after I wash my face.
World’s First Apple Cider Vinegar Gummy Vitamins by Goli Nutrition – Immunity, Detox & Weight – (1 Pack, 60 Count, with The Mother, Gluten-Free, Organic, Vegan, Vitamin B9, B12, Beetroot, Pomegranate)
I feel like apple cider vinegar really improves my skin health and I am so happy to have found it in a gummy form to easily take in the morning with my other vitamins.
The Chatty Cat 