I started online therapy and being with a new therapist for me has been meaning cleaning up old wounds that may have been overlooked in sessions with my previous therapist. So I dug into an old journal post and put it out here so others can also know what I am going through and hopefully see that they are not alone. I jump around between present and past tense because some things are still currently affecting me when others affected me mostly in the past.

diary post

I always feel like I hide a piece of myself at all times. I never admit to the nagging feelings that are invading my head. I think most doctors think I’m better off than I actually am, or maybe they think I’m completely insane. I try incredibly hard on a daily basis to seem calm and collected and mentally stable though I know deep down I am not.

But I know I want to list out what I actually feel instead of trying to just hope that someone is going to look at me and see what is going on under the surface and “cure” me.

I have panic attacks being at a crowded Target or the mall or most crowded areas in general. I have avoided the mall for years and my mom and partner go shopping for me most of the time.

I used to make lists and lists of vague physical symptoms thinking that it would add up to something.

I used to spend every weekend indoors because I felt I was a bother to people so much that I didn’t want to take up space anywhere that wasn’t my own

I fear choking or vomiting so much that I don’t swallow my pills whole for no reason at all and I’ve never taken shots of alcohol. I swallow my food very slowly and never over eat which has been good for my weight.. just not my mental health.

I’m always worried about being wrong and doing wrong. Earlier today, I was being a little bad after a few drinks at happy hour and touched my girlfriend’s thermostat. She was angry as expected and I apologized and turned it back right away but when I got home I cried about it thinking about what a horrible person I am.

I constantly worry about me smelling bad in public. I will replay scenarios in my head and think could they smell my breath, how close was to them.. on top of my normal replaying of situations in my head.

I fear just speaking to people or being around people in general. I feel that my presence is never enough and that I’m weird and not good enough to even say a word. I look at other people and wish that I could just live life in front of others like they do

Some of this may be normal and some may be abnormal.. I’m not sure. I’m just trying to call it all out.